Depression #24: A Song and a Sport

During my last major depression, there was a song that gave me a sense of peace and it was Pachelbel’s Canon in D. This time around during my depression relapse, I listened to Celine Dion’s “The Power of The Dream” repeatedly while I was searching very hard deep inside to rise again.

Last depression, I picked up tennis. This depression, I picked up yoga.

During my visit to Chengdu, the place I loved most was Leshan Giant Buddha. It’s as tall as 24 stories. It was just huge and amazing. (Did I tell you that I once told my fiancé that I just want to sleep floors in the temple?) The tour guide whom we signed up with on the spot made a statement that is still vividly imprinted in my mind. She said it is by letting go that we would be able to receive more. Imagine holding on to two bottles, that’s going to be what you’ll be having but if you put them down, you’ll be able to pick up another two bottles.

Today I want to practise giving instead of receiving. I’ve been receiving a lot from my dear family and friends so it’s time to give some back.

Depression #23: I’m Planning Again!

I went for yoga for three days in a row. I’m less anxious for the past few days and my time planning is coming back to me. Before this, my days are muffled into one. Then, my family helped to plan things for me and set something of a routine. Now I’m glad that I’m able to start planning of what I want to do. It started with just planning for the day when I wake up. Then it moved on to planning for tomorrow.

Before this I was just living hour by hour, then one day at a time and I hope soon I’ll get to see a bigger picture and accomplish more.

I’ve been just being and doing whatever my mind and heart tells me too. Spent some money today buying sports bra and wedding accessories. The good thing is I’m not always calculating and worrying about the money too much.

Thank you God! Thank you Mummy! Thank you Pappy! Thank you Iris! Thank you hubby-to-be in 5 days! I love you all!

A New Life For Grace

I was de-cluttering the house as part of my career break project and I found this piece of paper among the pile of unwanted paper that I was about to give away for recycling. It was titled as the above and it read…

The past will always remain as the past whether you like it or not. Some things can be undone while some are better left alone. Some people are worth waiting but some are meant to be left alone. Giving out all you have may not be as fruitful as getting all you want in return. Life’s like that and you gotta get used to it. It sucks when someone doesn’t give a damn about how you feel or what you do. You just gotta accept it for life’s not a bed of roses and even roses have thorns.

It hurts and dampens the heart so much when you feel so empty when you have done so much to gain something. No matter how hurting it is, it is even better than saying words and doing things which are stupid and not meant to be…just because of the non-lasting anger. It”ll only get you feeling remorse…so scarred in the heart that will continue to haunt you as time goes by. Hearts may be broken but not the spirit within. When you feel that life is just a stupid game…well,.it is if you think it is. Holding on to something too desperately will only let it fly away yet holding on to something too loosely will only let it slip away.

People become sad because they expect too much. Expecting too much is not totally wrong but once you know you’re expecting too much, just let it go a bit.

On well, always remember that it’s through pain that you gain. Winter is always followed by spring. So often we hear about all these beautiful quotes but never really understand the real meaning behind it.

A sad moment in life is just like a river bend where you row harder. Great life with great achievements is only there when there’s great risk and great love.

Life is short so make it sweet and as Papa said, “Life is too short for us to suffer”.

Dear Ducky on a lonesome night

I read and laughed. I let my mum read it too and I was laughing at some parts when she read this piece out loud. She commented on how someone who could write this fall into depression.

Anyway, this note was written when I was in my earlier 20s on a lonesome night with a very broken heart (after a bad breakup but I forgot which guy I was with) but with a determined heart to bounce back.


Depression #22: Morning Depression Disappeared

I was waiting for today to come as it is the day I’ll be travelling to China with my family. The main intention of this China trip is to visit a Chinese doctor, Miraculously, my morning depression just vanished today as I woke up early to get ready to go to the airport. It took me a week to pack my suitcase due to my failing memory. I packed as I could remember and each day for one week I put items into my bag till it was ready to go on a 10-day trip. I guess I was looking forward to it so much and it gave me hope that I will be cured that the depression condition seemed to have took a turn for the better.

I will spare the details of my visit to the Chinese doctor because unless you’ve seen and experienced it, what I’ll be telling will seem like a magic or a fairy tale. I will never forget the experience I went through and I’m grateful to my family who came with me and my uncle who organized this trip.

In Western doctor’s view, my condition is known as depression. However, in Chinese doctor’s view, my condition is hormone imbalance. From what I understand, hormone imbalance can lead to depression so I might be having both. In Chinese term, I was born in summer hence there’s a lot of fire in me. And the period where my depression is the worst (which happens to be on my birthday this year and last year – month of July which is also a summer period), it is bad for me. Especially so that this year is the year of the Fire Horse…it adds more fire than I need.

What I need is to reduce the secretion of enzyme in my heart and increase the secretion of enzyme in my liver and kidney. This would restore the hormonal balance for my body. I’m still searching for power foods for this but what I’m doing currently is to take 2 table spoons of black fungus and a drink of black bean powder mixed with black sesame in the morning. This is because black colour food supports the kidney and kidney supports the brain. Brain = mental health.

During my trip to China, you’ll see black fungus in the menu a lot and I’ve been eating a lot of black fungus. It has become one of my favourite food by choice.

I’m taking the Chinese medicine that was prescribed and I’m also continuing my course of anti-depressant. I was a bit hesitant to take both at the same time, especially the anti-depressant which has never been my favourite kind of medicine but this time I’m just going to listen to my doctor. The last time I didn’t finish the whole course because I thought I have recovered and there were moments during the depression relapse that I wonder if it’s because I got off the medication on my own will too soon than what the doctor would like to. Anyway, it’s the past and this time around, I will stick to it till the doctor says it is time to wean it off.

I went for a follow-up yesterday and the doctor said I improved tremendously. It was such a happy thing to hear. He asked me what I want from now on. I told him I want to maintain and keep on improving. He also advised me not to rush into finding a job until I feel ready.

Depression #21: Numbed

I sprung out of bed early in the morning when I heard the sound of my parents already waking up and my dad getting ready to go to the airport. I wanted to see him off. I gave him a hug and when I saw him getting into the taxi to leave for the airport, tears just flowed but I wasn’t able to feel any emotion. Then I recalled what the psychologist I saw few weeks ago told me that antidepressants would numb my feelings. Perhaps it’s true.

I went to church today to see a pastor. It was my mum’s idea to see her and she prayed for me. I learned a thing or two during the counselling session. She asked me to pray out loud instead of silently.

Had Ulam fried rice for dinner. It has been a long time since I had such big portion of rice but I just ate with such good appetite. Went for a night walk with my mum and sister after that and it ended with an ice-cream session. Totally not my kind of diet for now but I just indulged..just wanted to make myself happy.

The chocolate ice cream was heavenly and I slept like a baby.

Depression #20: Shake No More

I woke up today feeling different. There’s a little joy in it but I was still cautious if the shaking would return.

I watched a heart-warming Thai movie today called “The Teacher’s Diary” and I was able to focus. Loved it so much. This is just my kind of movie. I do watch hero or action movie but I prefer something light, simple and heart-warming.

Overall, I’m seeing improvement in myself from the day I sunk into a depression relapse till now.

My memory is still not good but my appetite is back. Like it’s really back that I have to start controlling the urges because I’m not sure if it’s medication that’s causing the increased appetite or it’s just me. Either way I still have to watch what I eat and watch my weight.

I also had pearl powder which my dad got from the Chinese medicine shop. It’s said to give me courage (胆). Took it once a day for 3 days.

In short, everyone in my family and my fiancé have been scrambling around to find ways to support, help and cure me. From western medicine, Chinese medicine to talk therapy. I even went to see two neurologists to rule out that there’s nothing wrong with my nerves and both concluded that my shaking is caused by psychological stress.

I will not give up, will take it easy on myself and continue along the road of recovery.

Depression #19: God’s Whispers

I’m writing this while I’m waiting at the hair saloon to cut away the bad ends.

For the last 2 days, I’ve been doing things that comes to my mind. It can be very random stuff like walking into the bedroom to fold my parents’ blanket to attending a yoga session that isn’t pre-planned.

I have this signal that just comes to my head and I take it as sign or hint that guides me what to do next. To make it sound beautiful, I would like to refer it as God’s whispers.