It’s been a long day for me.

It’s been an exciting, busy day but the night isn’t ending very well with me and I don’t like this feeling. To start off the day with anticipation and enthusiasm only to feel so disheartened and demotivated at the end of the day.

From the period when I felt so down till I’m beginning to feel I’m getting up and cheerful again, I’m back in the race where it’s going to be busy and challenging and where I feel time is not enough for me to accomplish and complete the things that are on my plate now. Work wise, personal wise and human being wise.

Just got off the phone with Mummy which jolted me into the state I am now. Shedding the tears of stress and the vague forecast of how I’m going to do with whatever’s on my plate.

I’ve been having some really good time with my sister and every time I could get after I come home from work. We went to watch lion dance over the weekend at a shopping mall. We got to see the very cute “Paws-perity” decoration in One Utama. We ate at the eating place where I’ve not patron for the past one year or so because my sister wasn’t around and it’s pointless going there alone. It felt so good to be ordering the same favourite dishes again. I like the familiarity that was so yesterday and relived again today.

I was telling my sister that I couldn’t stop talking since she came back and that one whole day when I was talking non-stop, I told her it was equivalent to the amount of words I spoke for the past one year.

But still, I felt like I could have done more or spent more time with her for the first few days that she’s back. I’m overloaded with lots of things to do that I have to compartmentalize my day in order to get a little bit of everything done. It’s not very efficient in the sense that I don’t get at least one major thing done but a spread of things that are half done, slightly done, almost done. It had to be this way because this is the only way and the best I could do for now.

Tomorrow is going to be a challenging day. Just read something I didn’t like reading and I know what’s installed for me tomorrow. It’s not something nice but I’m ready. It looks big and unpleasant now but I know it’s going to be a small issue once I go through this.

I’m trying my best but it looks like trying my best is not good enough yet. I’ve got to try harder and hang in there just a little bit more. It’s just a phase and I know it’s temporary. It’s tough but I know I can do this. May involve some tears and less sleep but I know I’ll go through this just fine. All I need is a positive mind, some perseverance and the ability to laugh it off when things get too rough for me.

It’s just too overwhelming for me now, that’s why it feels and looks so big to break it down. Every minute counts for me, especially now. I find myself scrambling on one thing and my mind will be on the other, working on this while thinking a solution for the other, then I’ll go solve the other because the idea will suddenly appear and then I have to tell myself to stop and go back to what I did and finish it before I go on and solve the problem that I have for the next thing on the list. Then, at the back of my mind, I’ll be counting and listing the things that are not done and in my heart, I worry about all these things and then in my mind again, I’m always thinking of how I would survive.

I’d like to put what happened today to stay here today. I’m going to get a good sleep now and then we’ll start over again tomorrow.

Because I am brave.

A very long day for me but I’m alright with it because I know what I’m doing and I know it has to be done.

A good day for me too because I received compliment and my hard work is acknowledged.

I was sharing this piece of good news with someone but now I don’t feel quite awesome like I did.

Someone asked me why I’m working so hard when I’m not being paid so much. I said I’m working hard because I enjoy my work. And it’s going to be tough for this period but it’s just temporary. No matter how much I earn, it’ll always be not enough in the eyes of that someone. Honestly, I’m thankful that I’m where I am now. Maybe I’m not very talented compared to the very talented. But I surely know I’m not really that poor. I’m learning everyday as I can and I find joy in it. I’m doing things that I’m not sure if I’m able to do but I try and so far, I can still manage. Each time I manage to overcome little challenges like this, it empowers me. It is telling me I can do it and perhaps I can do even more.

Maybe I’m too idealist thinking that we work and we should enjoy our work while it pays the bill. It doesn’t necessarily have to be  working something we don’t like to do but we get big money. I’m upset because that someone doesn’t understand the person that I am. If I were to work only for money, I could have done so many other things that I hate…but what’s the point?

I know there are people who work for the money and these are the same people that would always tell me not to work for the money. Get something you like to do.

I’ve always hated people who would always compare me with someone else. Comparing and telling the person how bad they are doing is not a very nice thing to do. You can tell them they are not doing a good job or they can do better but don’t compare them with others and tell them how much they suck. There’s a difference between that and it makes a huge difference.

If I were to compare myself to so many people out there, I think I’ll be a very bitter person. All I want is to compare myself in the past and to compare myself in the present and not with others.

…I’m just tired. But I know I can do this.