Letting Go and Finding Myself

You know you’re lost when you don’t really know what you are doing, why you are doing it and how you are supposed to do it.

You go to work and you feel so scared, not confident in answering the questions that you get. I’m doing things so blindly that sometimes I feel like I’m a robot. Given a same situation in a different twist and I’m lost in how to solve it. Because why? I don’t view the problem in a big picture, I’m focusing on it as it is and that is why I cannot think of how to solve it. Sometimes, it takes common sense to figure how to solve it but I find my mind so blank. Totally blank.

I’m making mistakes at work because of that. I would be looking at the calendar, advising the customer one date but in actual fact, I’m thinking of another date.

The customer might have felt the uncertainty in my voice, she asked, “Are you sure?”

Then, I start to wake up and say the correct date. I fumble if they were to ask, “Are you sure?” for a few more times.

It’s just a minor mistake but it keeps repeating. Sometimes I take a little longer to answer simple queries because I know I’m unstable and I want to make sure I speak the correct information before I say anything. More often that not, I’ll get a “Hello?” on the receiving end.

We are relocating and I had to pack my stuff. I don’t even know how to pack my stuff properly. I know I have to put in the paper tray first before I put anything else in because that’s the biggest thing of all things so you must put it in first before you fill the gap with smaller things.

Knowing it, I still put the other small things first instead of putting the paper tray first. My mind is telling me something but I’m doing otherwise. Am I going through some kind of disorder or what?

Then, I felt so frustrated.

“How lah? How do I fit this in?” I said.

My colleague heard me. She came.

“I didn’t know you are so hopeless when it comes to packing.” She wasn’t scolding but merely being honest.

“Grace, you are in import now. Why are you still keeping those export files? Why are there so many things in your box?”

“No, it’s import stuff.”

Most of them are export stuff by the way. I have problem throwing it away because I still think it’s important to me. Don’t ask me why but I’m keeping printed emails like those from the customers I once helped a long time ago. Problems that were so big and new to me and I remembered how I used to solve them even though I didn’t know how to. I don’t want to forget about how I grew and learn throughout my period in this organization. That’s why I’m keeping them. There are also some from a manager who questioned me on my action and I replied them with my justification and I’m still keeping them. There was one in which I was so afraid to reply to because I was only two months old then but I tried to write and one of my colleague was so impressed with what I wrote. “Grace, that’s a very nice reply.” See? I want to remember things like that.

I’ve even got 5 log books that I’ve accumulated since the very first day I started taking the calls. The numbers, the names, the actions required. On certain pages, you can find some little scribbling of mine. It ranges from, “Oh God”, “I’m bored”, “Shit!”, “How?” depending on what I feel when I get a very difficult call.

“Oh my God, are you also keeping these?”

“Yes lah. If not, throw?”

My colleagues shook their head. Mr.Boss was like just next to me, packing also. He didn’t say anything but I think he also want to pengsan when he sees what’s going on.

I’ve been trying to throw lots of stuff away but then after the throwing away, there is still many left. I cannot throw it away until another time.

“Grace, remove all the things from the box first.”

I did as I was told.

She then helped me to put the paper tray in first.

“Okay, Grace, now you can put the rest in.”

Finally, I got my stuff packed.

Now do you understand what I’m saying when I say I feel totally lost?

I want to find myself again. I’ve never been so lost before.

I decided to let go of someone. It’s the end of my relationship.

It’s impossible not to cry. I cried in the night. I cried this morning when I was alone. Again, shed a few more tears in the afternoon.

It’s not because of the wrong date given or how I didn’t know how to pack my stuff that I decided to let go. These are just signs that are telling me I need to rescue myself. I am not happy and very troubled and I’ve got problems that I’m unable to write it all out here.

I just want to start all over again.

你加油哦!

Some people just know how to say things that are soothing to the ear. A lady called and she asked,

“What’s your name?”

“I”m Grace.”

She paused for a while, as though trying to remember my name.

“Are you the Grace I talked to last time?”

“If you are referring to the Grace from export last time, yes!”

“No wonder I thought I knew you. Your voice seems familiar. You’ve got a sweet voice, that is why I can recognise it.”

This one line drew a big smile on my face, my heart went mushy mushy.

She told me what she wanted but before she could finish telling me everything, she said, “So happy to hear your voice again!”

This one line made me fly.

It’s so rare to get someone telling you this, especially the customers. So, it means a lot to me.

After that, I received a call from this customer.

“Are you Grace?”

“Yes.”

He has spoken to me once and hence remembers my name.

“Are you new here? I’ve never heard your name before.”

“I’ve been here for a year already but new to this department.”

He told me what he wanted and while I was checking the system for him, he asked,

“How old are you?”

It’s always funny when a customer asks you that question on the phone.

“24”

“Where do you stay?”

Eh, I don’t want to answer already but then I just simply blabbered something.

“Where?”

I simply blabbered some place again.

“Aiyah, you are older than me!”

“How old are you?”

He didn’t want to answer. *bleh*

I asked again.

“How old are you?”

“You can become my “jie jie”. I’m 22.”

“This is my last two days working in this company.”

“Oh, why? You’re moving to another company?”

“No, I’ve been here for only 3 months and I don’t think I want to continue anymore. This job is not cut out for me.”

“So what are your plans?”

“I’ve got no plans. I just want to quit then see what I can do.”

He called again later in the afternoon.

“It’s me again”, he said.

I helped him with his requests and then he ended the call with, ” ????!” (Ganbatte!)

I felt so energised again after that. No customer has said that to me so it was nice to hear it from him.

I hope he calls me again tomorrow, so that I can say goodbye to him since tomorrow is his last day even though it’s only been a short two days that I’ve spoken to him.

Tomorrow is also the last day I’ll be in this office because we are relocating.

You Happy?

Last night, lying on the bed, the phone rang.

“Haaaaaaa”

“Haaaaaaa”

“Haaaaaaa”

“Haaaaaa”

“Hahahahaa”

“How are you?”

“Ok lor.”

“Happy lor.”

“You mean you?”

“No, you! Because Mummy is there.” Pappy said.

“Hehehe. Then are you happy too?”

“No lor. Because Mummy is not here.”

So, when Mummy came to my room. I repeated the whole conversation to her. She must have felt so happy because she was laughing too.

I want a love like theirs.

Nothing to Read

Clad in my white long sleeve shirt with black stripes and a skirt, I was all set to go to work.

As I was about to leave the house, the stomach cramps started and I had to go to the toilet. I knew it would take long and so I had to call up my colleague to drive off without me. I will drive to work on my own later.

But then, the cramps went on and on. I decided to inform Ms.Boss that I will be coming in later.

Still in my long sleeve shirt, I typed on the mobile while holding on to my pyjamas. Yea, very sexy. I just feel like sleeping after that and I did.

It just so happened to be one of the day in a month that reminds you how wonderful it is to be a woman. I have not been treating my body well lately and this is the feedback that I’m getting.

Boss replied, “If it’s too painful, think it’ll be better for you to rest at home today.”

I don’t think all bosses would say this.

Anyway, I decided to rest at home today while I listened to Mummy’s stories. I taught her how to check and write emails after that. She cooked for me after that.

Tomorrow, I will need to think of ways to entertain myself during work.

Good night and sleep tight.

The Great Pretender

I feel so bored at work now. I get tired very easily even though I have nothing much to do. I feel restless too.

40 calls that I get is equivalent to 20 or less because the calls that I get now can be quite simple and straightforward.

“When is it arriving?” I get this question everyday without fail.

I still double check the systems even though I know which day it is arriving before I tell the customers.

Seriously, I wouldn’t want to spend my days at work just answering to those questions. If it has not make me feel like an answering machine previously, it is making me feel like one now.

At the end of the day, I come back home to be entertained by my mother.

Yeap, she’s here!

I played this on Winamp and we sang together. I amplified my voice when it came to the “ooh ooh” part.

Oh yes I’m the great pretender (ooh ooh)
Pretending that I’m doing well (ooh ooh)
My need is such I pretend too much
I’m lonely but no one can tell