I am a Fish

I just felt like swimming today and I did. My first time swimming since I had my short hair. Nice.

It was quiet. Only a kiddo that was swimming at the kiddo’s pool while her mother was chatting with another friend. As it got darker, another uncle came to join me at the pool. Then I left after about half an hour, after completing 7 laps. An achievement! because the last time I did 7 laps was a hundred years ago. Now I’d have to set a standard for myself. Since I went with 7 laps today, it would need to be at least 7 laps the next round. Or just 7 laps but faster and preferably with less-panting.

I really would like to make this a habit. One thing’s for sure, it’s hard to get me to exercise and stick to it. So far, the only thing I’m happy with myself is that I have been religiously taking oats as breakfast. I try to fill in as much as I can into that hot mug of mine and now I’ve been thinking to change to a bigger mug, more like a soup mug so that I have more of it…and won’t get hungry too fast before lunch.

And now I’m always telling myself to be lying on the bed the latest by 10:30pm. I can read on the bed after that but I must..must be on the bed by 10:30pm so that if I decide to read, maybe I’ll fall asleep the latest by 11pm. I have to get up by 6:30am now that I’m having breakfast at home instead of at work when I was working at the old place. I’m a bit slow in the morning. Like I need the phone to wake up me at 6am then I’ll laze about until 6:30am and I would feel so satisfied that I managed to steal 30 minutes of extra sleep. It’s easier to wake up when you give me a buffer of say 10-15 minutes.

Then you also need to give me some buffer in the toilet because sometimes I’ll sit on the toilet bowl and daydream. I must say daydreaming in the toilet is one of the nicest things to do in the morning. Then it’s the usual brushing, washing face. If I’m hardworking, I would have my dressing plan the night before but if I’m lazy, you’ll see rummaging through the wardrobe, thinking of what to wear. The problem with ladies is that even if they have a huge wardrobe, they still don’t see a thing to wear.

Then it’s breakfast time and I’m off to go.

And now I’m off to go wash my swimming suit, wash the dishes and iron my clothes in 15 minutes because it is already 10:15pm and I need to be on the bed by 10:30pm.

Mummy just called. Okay another 3 minutes gone.

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Toxic Tears

Happy Birthday to Ching! :d

Finished the book last night and woke up reading a new book, “You’re What You Eat” by local author, Chia Joo Suan. This is bought by Pappy as well for everyone to read. Whenever I don’t eat right, Mummy would always always say to me, “You’re what you eat!” without fail!

There was this line which I really like from the book which I’ve just finished reading. “A problem shared is a problem halved”.

Don’t we all have problems? Some have it written on their faces whenever they go. Some just appear not to have any problems at all. Some are trying so hard not to have it shown while they try to battle and solve their problems in silence.

This is weird but I am actually thinking that the boyfriend would definitely forget about my birthday. The weirder part is I have already figured what I would say to him if that happened. The next thing that would happen is to know how much I really matter to him, which I believe is less than zero. Knowing and understanding the one million reasons why I should leave this relationship has not made me make any decision on what I’m going to do. Well, I know what I want to do, like I hope to be single before the year ends. I wouldn’t mind to admit that my relationship has been a disaster and I’m not very sure how many failed relaitonships God wants me to have before I can see the light to a happy and longlasting relationship. I can’t end it just yet because there are things between us that I need to sort out before I can say goodbye forever to him.

I do not blame anyone, not even the boyfriend, but myself that I’m allowing this to happen to me yet again. It’s not like there hasn’t been signs that are giving hints to me that this may not worked out after all but I chose to go ahead, thinking maybe I could change it.  I always have this ideal that when you really love someone wholeheartedly, everything would prevail. But I’ve come to learn that maybe that’s not the case. I may or may not still feel for him even if the whole thing ends but I’d like to give myself a chance to have something which I think I deserve to have. Love.

It sucks the most when someone asks me if I have a boyfriend and that’s like the question I really pray I don’t get. Just like the other day, the shampoo girl asked me in a very concerning manner if I have a boyfriend. I paused for a while. Saying yes doesn’t justify the condition I’m in now since I don’t see any difference with me being single and me having boyfriend who doesn’t even care if I should die the next minute. I’m not even kidding because when he doesn’t even bother to call, I might be lying dead in the toilet and nobody would ever discover me. Not trying to be pessimistic even though I think I can be spared to feel pessimistic a little now that I have this relationship issue going on. I just told the shampoo girl, “It’s a bit complicated.” The topic on relationship stopped there and then.

I might give different people different answers, depending on when you’re asking me, depending on who you are, depending if I was in the mood to tell you why it can be a yes and no answer. It’s just not easy because it would always remind me things I do not want to be reminded about…but something I know I cannot choose to hide and avoid from. Just like what the boyfriend is doing. Avoiding and running as far as he can.

One problem with him is he has too many problems. He holds on to his pride very dearly and thus he doesn’t let you in a bit in problems that has the ability to explode his head. I can only get hold of bits and pieces of information from the very short phone conversation which he always seems so in a hurry to end it. When probed further, he sounds annoyed and what else can I do? It’s best to leave him alone.

I think I’m also beginning to understand how he works. His main priority is his job and career. Next, it would be his family. Then, it would be everything else. The last would be me. I don’t expect myself to be listed first in his priorities but I think you should set some time for each of your priorities. And if setting me aside as also one of his priorities is such a burden, shouldn’t he just tell me about it? Grace, I don’t think I can afford to love you anymore.

I know the fact that he’s not going to say it, maybe again due to pride. So he’d choose to give me all this cold treatment, thinking I’d understand and stop being a pest. Then when I leave, it would have been very easy for him. He doesn’t have to deal with it. He would allow it to burn and rot until there’s no more hope for revival.

What I’ve said may not be true but this is what I have been able to collect and digest with what’s going on. I don’t think my problem is halved now but I do feel better. Have been wanting to write this for so long but the words just don’t seem to flow. Now even the tears have flowed. And there’s one other thing..I’ve learnt that you shouldn’t be ashamed with whatever problems you have. All of us have problems whether we like it or not. I may have this problem and you don’t. You may have that problem but I don’t…so it’s all the same.

Do you know that when you cry, you release toxins from your body through your tears? 

Pasta

I went to have my favourite soya bean after work, just to mengubat my rindu of that particular soya bean. Didn’t taste as nice as it used to though. Called Mummy and Pappy while I was sipping alone. I talked to Pappy for quite a long time, considering that our conversation wouldn’t normally last long over the phone.

Today I woke up still dreaming about the dream I had last night. You know how sometimes we are the ones who direct how the dreams unfold? Sometimes, even when I’ve opened my eyes after being awake, the dream still lingers on. It wasn’t a good dream. It was quite inhumane really. Scary. It felt like I was dreaming the whole night.

I then flipped open a book to continue where I stopped last night. Have been reading for the past one week, a book which Pappy gave me on my last birthday. A chic lit book or something like that.. if it is to be categorised. Imagine Pappy getting that kind of book for me and he doesn’t really know if I would like it. Or he thought I will like it because he gave it to me. Anyway, it’s an interesting read. It’s His ‘N’ Hers by Mike Gayle, a UK novelist. I hope I’ll be able to finish it off before my next birthday. But you know what? I think I can finish reading it tonight.

Went karaoke again today in conjunction with an ex-colleague’s birthday. Dinner at Pasta de Gohan, Sunway Pyramid. Very nice if you like pasta in the Japanese kind of way. It reminds me of Pasta Zanmai, similar concept. Portion wise, I think Pasta Zanmai has got a bigger serving. Choice wise, maybe Pasta de Gohan provides more. But I like both the same.

I’m bored. I want to read.

Night.

Money!

I received a cheque today for my salary!!! Ya!! Even though I had just worked for 3 days. I’m already getting paid until the end of the month. Weeeeeee!

The cheque was even dated days before I reported to work. How cool is that!

Now I’m waiting for my ex-company to pay me, which would be very soon too.

A Day in the City

One thing I hate about myself is most of the time when I said I’m going to wake up early, I end up waking up later than planned. Just like today I was telling myself I have to get up by 6:30am but I got up close to 7:00am. After having oats as breakfast, I drove to the LRT station, knowing that I might not get a parking place, because it was almost 8am by then.

Where did I park? At the corner of the end of the parking place.

I then walked like a super robot to the LRT station. I love Touch n Go cards. They make life so much easier and faster. It was nice to see people queueing up at the LRT station. It has been ages since I took the LRT in the mornings on a working day. I had to wait for the second train before I get to go in and I was already begining to worry because it was almost 8:20 am already. I had to get to KL city before 9am. Bravo!

There was this granny standing behind me, asking if the train goes to KL. I said yes and she told me it was her first time taking the LRT. I asked her which station she was going to. We so happened to share the same destination.

LRT was very packed.

When the LRT was approaching to my destination, I walked towards the granny to tell her to get off…but she didn’t need me to tell her. She was already ready to get off.

“Did you stand since the beginning of the journey?” She asked.

“Yes.” I replied.

“YAM GONG LOR!” She exclaimed.

Very funny.

Anyway, I had to attend training today, which explains why I had to squeeze with the others on the LRT.

I walked like a super-robot again to my targetted building. Not like I know the place lah but with my intelligence, I managed to spot it. Ho Ho. I was just on time. Man! I was panting and sweating and blushing due to panting and sweating.

I was dying to talk to the lady sitting behind me in class because I just felt so. haha. Well, I wanted someone that I could have lunch with and probably make a new friend. So I initiated a conversation with her by asking if she drove or took the LRT, then the conversation just flowed. When it came to lunch break, I also asked her if she wanted us to go for lunch together. She agreed.

She’s a graphic designer turned secretary.

At the end of the training, I actually got a certificate! So not within my expectation so I was very happy. Then I hopped on to the LRT again to get to KLCC to meet a friend who spent me dinner at Chilli’s.  Tequila-Lime Fish Steak. Bottomless iced lemon tea. Yummy like Mummy. Thank you Nathan!

Hopped on the LRT to go home. Walked like super-robot again to the dark parking place. It wasn’t too scary as there were other people walking towards my direction too. 8:30pm and LDP was still jammed. One thing I can never understand.

I actually enjoyed my day. I do like to be able to do something different on a working day, other than clocking in to work and then out. Even though it was madness with the super robot walking, it was fun. Get to talk with new people, get to go to new places, get to eat at a different place. Just out there to breathe the city air.