I Swear

Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.
– Calvin and Hobbes

So very true! I was trying to keep my cool the entire night. I can’t possibly write down the details but I was pissed. As soon as I got into the car, I uttered my favourite swear words, one at a time, one followed by the other, until I felt like all the ugliness that has been hiding in me is released.

Some people are just insensitive and I’m disappointed with the fact that a person whom I’ve known for so long is actually doing this. And the best part is…this person doesn’t even realise it.

Tonight, I’m going to sleep my troubles away.

Should life think I need more annoying stuff coming my way, I’d say bring it on for I’m so angry, I think I’ll be able to kill those stuff.

Roller Coaster

It has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me for the past week or so. As the pain of my wisdom tooth subsides, I think my emotional well-being is slowly getting better too. Sometimes I do get tired having this braces put on because I’m thinking of how hassle free it is without it. But I know I’ve chosen this journey and I’m half way there so I should just persevere (not like I have a choice now!) and I know the results will be worthwhile. At least, that’s what all the bracie people are telling me.

I still have the emotional baggage that I carry with me. I can feel it when I’m awake and feel so reluctant to get up. Today it was somehow better. I got up after much self-talking and I felt calmer this morning compared to the other mornings before this. It was short-lived though when I was told of something. Was a bit angry but somehow I saw it coming so I wasn’t really surprised that it happened. The anger that I felt made me want to laugh…because I’ve had too many shits and I just want to laugh it over and laugh it away.

I don’t care what others are up to and I don’t really want to know. For all I know, they can do whatever they like and like I said, I’ll still be me. I’ll still be kind.

Yesterday was a gloomy day because I received a call from a friend who told me an ex-colleague passed away due to a car accident. Her car engine caught fire and she was trapped in the car, unable to escape. My mood was affected again because I’ve worked with her and she’s almost the same age as me, a mother, a wife, a daughter and now she’s gone.

I then accompany a friend to dinner whom I thought need a listening ear but I didn’t eat anything. Went to the bookstore and read for an hour…and finally had dinner alone outside. Came home and cried again. Talked to mum and cried again. Went to bed because I was too tired of thinking.

I feel very grateful for having supportive family and friends. Two of my friends knew I wasn’t happy today and they suggest to meet up for dinner. It wasn’t the best of location to have dinner because of the long journey especially after work with traffic at its peak but I braved the traffic anyway and took a route I’ve never took before. Sometimes I’m like that. I like to discover new roads and then panic and then I find my way again, then I go , “Ohh….this route brings me here” and then I’m happy and proud of myself that I reach my destination.

Had hot steamy shabu-shabu, which was followed by hot steamy expressing session. Both my friends, seated on the left and right of me, just sat and listened to me. Thank you.

I also have a colleague who would check on me from time to time, throughout the day to see if I’m okay. It keeps me sane. I’ve not revealed much of my problem but it’s like someone understands…probably judging from my facial expression. I’ve had people telling me how sad or angry I look the past few days. I know it’s really bad when I get comments like these. So today I looked at the mirror after I came home from dinner and I told myself, “Hey, you’re pretty!”

I don’t know if I’ll have double emotional baggage when I wake up tomorrow but I’m working on it. It’s going to be daily work until I’m all up and running again.

I saw something today too. His car passed by and I saw the number on the car plate and I went, “Hey, it matches”. Then, I started looking at the first 3 alphabets of the car plate and took me a while to register. “Hey, that’s his car!” Not like I could do anything because I was still behind the red traffic light but he somehow beat the red light. If not, his car will be next to mine, which I’m sure he didn’t want that to happen, which I assumed the reason why he beat the red light. And if he didn’t beat the red light, I wouldn’t have seen his car anyway.

Anyway, this didn’t cause any emotional damage because the damage is already done long before this. I just saw his car disappear as he drove on and that’s all about it. 随风而去

At the Crossroads

I’m still going through pangs of short tear-releasing sessions. I was driving to the mall to meet a friend when I heard on the radio that Yasmin Ahmad has passed away. I can’t help but to shed a tear. I’ve been watching her heart-touching commercials, her movies and reading her blog. And to know that I won’t be seeing more of those is sad. At the same time, I’m proud of her courage, sensitivity and creativity that she possesses and that she puts her passion into action…which what triggered more tears as I thought about it. How many of us actually do that?

I don’t know why I’m thinking and feeling what I’m thinking and feeling now. It’s more of like being on the edge of the cliff, to think if I should stay away from the cliff and keep doing whatever I’m doing now, no matter how unhappy I am and to accept that this is what life is about OR to jump off the cliff, have the jump of my life, risking if I’ll plunge myself to death or have the best bungee jump ever!!!

When I’m really down, I’d call my mum. I always call her. She may not understand me fully because she sometimes thinks I’m crazy and I think too much but I still call her anyway. So I was talking to her one night and the tears were pouring a little too. She was telling me, “Life is like that.”

Pappy happened to call her after that so he got to know that I wasn’t in my best state and he gave me a call and gave me some head-knocking.

“I don’t think clocking-in and clocking-out everyday is going to be a solution, not for me. If you have a plan or something that you want to do, go do it. Do you have a plan?”

“Yes.”

“Then why are you not doing it?”

“Because I’m worried if it’s workable or not.”

“You got to take risk. In life, we got to take risk. You are still young and you can give this a try. Even if you fail, you can always go back to do what you did. I will support you in whatever you do. If you think it’s viable, go for it.”

That is when the tears just won’t stop flowing. I’m thankful to have Pappy for he has always been supporting me in whatever I do. It’s one conversation and advice I’ll keep close to my heart. In fact, it has been playing in my mind for a few days since he told me that.

I know myself, I always get all excited about an idea, I have many things I want to do with that idea and then I’ll keep thinking of the hardships or if I’ll ever get there. Then, I’ll just brush it off, hide it under my pillow..but the thing is that..the idea will still be buried under the pillow and sometimes it creeps into my head just before I go to bed, or when I wake up, or when I’m wide awake, wondering if I should just be obsessed with this idea and just go for it for God’s sake. This is that part of me that I’m struggling with.

And I know the only way to make me do it is when I’m feeling crazy and when I still have that adrenaline rush in me. Once I get pass that, it’s going to take awhile for me to remember the idea. Know how purplewabbit.com came along? Well, I’ve been blogging at other sites without my own domain name and I just wanted a domain name but that itself took me so long. Why?

Because I went out to compare which site offered the cheapest domain and which hosting plan was the cheapest and yet I want it to be a reliable one. Then, I thought it was tedious because there were so many to compare to. What I really think now is that, should I have come across a hosting plan which I think I could afford and that by reading the online reviews that it is satisfactory, then it is good to go. The worst that can happen is the hosting plan sucks but the thing is that you can switch hosting plans later…you don’t have to stick to it for the rest of your life.

So you see, there are things that you have to act on that spur of moment or else it’s going to just vanish. Of course, my plan now is not as simple as just getting a domain name and hosting plan. It’s bigger than that and because I don’t have the heart of actually focusing on too many things on the same time, I’d really have to let go of something in order to get what I want to do. I’ve not gotten over the fact of what I need to sacrifice and throw away and I’m giving myself grace period to think over this. I may still not get an answer by then because there will never really be an answer nor will there be a right time.

But I thought at least, I know by having that grace period, I know I’m not just jumping into something without going through some careful thinking. Knowing that there’s someone and a few more who supports me should I do something crazy comforts me already.

I cried again writing this entry, this time with LOTSA tears but it’s like flushing out the toxins. I feel good now. Now I just want to take a bath and eat some grapes!

Getting Out of Bed is Hard Today

A depression bug may have just bitten me because my mood is getting any better. Sometimes I’m feeling a little okay than the day before but before I know it, it’s back to the low again the next day. My overall status = UNSTABLE.

I can be easily annoyed at even the slightest things these days. It scares me.

Getting up today was definitely a chore. This is something that I dread a lot because it means something is really wrong. I knew it was time to wake up but I kept snoozing and kept making myself sleep while thinking if I should wake up and get to work as usual. I was thinking of the possible reasons that I could give. Calling in sick? But not really that sick, just heart sick and emotionally unfit. Then, I thought about the meeting I have to attend, how it would look bad on me…I’ll just say, there wasn’t any solid and valid and good reason I should escape the world and reality today.

It took me a long time to just lie on the bed and did some self-talking. Finally, I got up and told myself..I can’t be like that. So I trudged myself to the bathroom, carefully brushed my teeth, looked myself in the mirror and realised I’ve grown thinner. (Another sign I might be really depressed.) I walked out of the door and positioned myself behind the wheels. Those tears were forming while I drove on but I suck it back.

I hope I’ll have the strength to wake up with much gusto tomorrow!

I received a belated birthday gift today. 3 boxes of condoms. Like as though I have a penis nor do I own one. What has the world become?

Growing Pains

I was struggling over the past few days in accepting something that I didn’t like doing but was asked to do. It’s not that I can say no with the position I am in now. Maybe I can…but it would spell disaster. I was being miserable about it for so long. A few days is so long, considering that it was really a small matter and I shouldn’t have spent so long being upset.

Yesterday I went to swim after being frustrated for the whole day. You see, I was at home nursing my wisdom tooth. I went to the dentist but my dentist wasn’t free so I settled with another dentist who is available in the same clinic since I really was getting annoyed with the pain. This dentist insisted on giving me only 1 hour MC. How’s that for being ridiculous? I was in pain for a few days and now she says I can’t take a full day MC. Man, was I angry. I kept on insisting until I got something which is more than half a day but still less than a day. I’m so pissed that I’m going to let this known to my ORIGINAL dentist when I visit him the next time. Like I don’t have enough to pain me already, someone just got to be so inconsiderate. Anyway, my mood was bad so yea…I went to swim. I was so angry that I went swimming.

I SWAM AND I SWAM. I JUST KEPT SWIMMING. Probably I swam the most laps yesterday due to the anger and pain.

Then, I finally stood still in the pool and talked to myself. I told myself I can rant, complain and be moody all I want today but tomorrow I’m going to be the lovable person again.

I woke up this morning and my gum is still in pain and I’m sort of getting used to the pain now. I’m going to let it grow for a few more days and if the pain still persists, it’s another round to the dentist, this time with x-ray. This would be my 3rd x-ray. And I must say I don’t know why my set of teeth is giving me so much problem that this year is going to be the year of TEETH. It’s really all about teeth this year. You’re bored about it I know and so am I.

And I woke up this morning with some sort of enlightenment. I got myself into accepting to do the thing I didn’t like doing and I kind of justified myself into doing it because that’s the only way I can be happy. If I couldn’t change it now, the only way is to try to accept it and try to make it a fun thing. I hate doing something I don’t like and keep going on ranting about it…I just know I won’t be happy. So, that’s why the self-talking and I think I’m okay la so far. No choice but have to do this la…for the sake of my own happiness.

I think I’m now going through and experiencing a series of growing pains in my mid-20s.