A Detox Post

I like my hair now. Still very short but not too short like a month ago.

I need to smile more.

I screwed up at work yesterday. Probably it wasn’t that bad but because I spent most of the day on it and to realise in the end that it was all wrong…I felt bad. Was staring at the monitor for a while, trying to think of the consequences and whether it’s reversible and how long it’ll take to be fixed.

I woke up today not knowing what to expect in response to what I did yesterday. But I told myself it won’t be that bad…but just in case I was wrong…I decided to just dress my favourite skirt so that I feel better myself. It turned out fine in the end. And what I thought was major…is now just peanuts.

I cannot stop thinking about the actor from the Korean series “The Queen Returns”. Handsome. Loving.

I’m getting quieter lately. It’s so natural and easy for others to respond to a conversation or just any random statements. It’s quite a task for me, especially of late. I used to be quiet but not this way. Sometimes I don’t think it’s quiet but more to isolating myself. Like I don’t want to be involved. I just want to be listening, not participating but still in the loop.

I think situation or challenges in life that affects us somehow changes us to behave differently thereafter. I’m more wary about the people and friends around me. Sometimes I still can’t get over the fact that a friend that I used to trust so much and gotten close to…turns out not quite what I expected to be. I would wonder why a friend can do things behind you even when you treat them well and treat them as real and true friends. It does bother me once in a while. Sometimes I find myself trying not to stay in touch because logically I shouldn’t. Why do I need to be nice when the other party isn’t and is not sensitive towards how I feel? But somewhere in my heart, I have this longing to know if my friend is doing okay, like I want to care for a friend.

I know this is one of my weaknesses. I can love you and then that person makes me hate him/her and then after sometime, I may not feel that I love you but I know I still at least care for you, to want to know if you’re doing well. I don’t know if this is what forgiveness is like. But for all I know…there’s a possibility that I may decide to love you back again but the cycle repeats and then I”ll feel like shit. More shitty than the first time. So I guess I’m really tired about this part and there are times…I don’t know if I should bare my heart to a person…because I’ve misjudged once.

It is very painful to hate and I’ve been trying to define my feelings because I want to know what makes me feel and act towards isolation. One of the things I look forward to now is a day that I complete my work and get the job done well. Come home to have a meal, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends, now with my mum. Watch some tv..try to write more. Make use of the extra time that I have on my personal goal that I’ve set for myself. Trying each day to be braver, just trying to walk ahead and drop those things that upsets me as I go on.