超人不会飞

Lying at the same spot on the bed, those tears that stained my face last night is now replaced with a sheet facial mask tonight. Listening to my current favourite song, Jay Chou’s 超人不会飞 (Superman Can’t Fly) while I type this. I liked the melody of the song having heard it on the radio a couple of times and when I read through the lyrics, I liked it even more. Jay is brilliant! No one writes songs like him.

Went to the temple today. 求了个签 (seek a stick for divination guidance). My first experience because the temple I went today had such divination sticks. A bit skeptic and didn’t really want to seek any because I was afraid if I will read anything bad..and I’d rather choose not to know anything. Iris was excited about her first experience too and persuaded me in getting one.

So I did…and I feel better. Not that my problems are solved but my problems are heard.

I will be brave.

The Past

The past is back to haunt me. Something that makes me feel miserable by just thinking about it. I’ve always been avoiding and pushing the thought back to the back of mind everytime it appears. That’s because I don’t have the courage and strength to do it all alone.

This time around I have to put an end to it. I’m not sure how I will go through this. Sometimes i just wish I have someone to watch over me and protect me while I’m at it. But then there are just things that you got’ve to face and do it on your own. No one’s going to help me if I don’t step up and allow myself to help myself.

I’ve been trying to act strong for the past 2 years or more. I think I’ve done well but there are a few times where I’ll break down like today. It’s 3.37am, just finished watching a fun movie, was laughing 1 hour ago but now lying on the bed with my face stained with tears, typing this post with my iPhone.

I can’t sleep if I don’t write it down. This is probably the first time i’m crying in the year 2010.

One thing that I enlightened myself with, a thought that came across the mind…is that I think my heart is quite scarred. Giving out your heart to the wrong hands is very fatal indeed. You may have the most sincere intention but it doesn’t guarantee you’ll receive the same.

It is even scarier to think of how a person can delicately treat you so well and detailed, to only discover that the same person can just turn around and walk away, with no need reason explained and no consideration.

Sometimes I wonder whether it was all just a plot. A plot that certainly took time to realise. So well-crafted. Because I’ve analysed and analysed it all over but I still don’t get a clue. You see, that’s the thing that is killing me too. The need to know but never would I get to know. So I tell myself there’s no need to know but no matter how I keep that curiosity buried deep inside, it had it’s way to resurface.

I don’t have to try to think about because it comes hit you when you least expect it, or maybe there’s some kind of hidden schedule that makes it happen.

I’ve learnt my lesson and I’m also more protective about myself. I’m not sure if i’m too protective to actually open my heart to someone in the near or far future. In fact, I may already have my heart locked unknowingly now.

I’m just afraid, afraid, just afraid. I know time heals but I don’t know if it applies to this one I’m having issues with now. Maybe it’s not really a big problem but I’ve never gotten into situation like this so it’s still big for me. The biggest I have for as long as I’ve lived.

I know if I can beat this, nothing else can be harder. Time does heal, perhaps I need a longer time. I will heal myself no matter how dreadful it is.

One step at a time. No need to be ashamed. You’re not the only one with problems. Problems can be solved. Big problems are hard to solve but they can still be solved.

I’ve come so far, I should strive on.

It’s 4.07am, I’m tired.

Thanks for hearing me out.

New Theme

My hands got itchy so here I am with a new theme. Functional but still work in progress, tiny parts to fix here and there.

This blog also has a new look when viewed from a mobile device. I’m using WPtouch, a mobile theme for a WordPress site. Very neatly presented. I’m going to try out other applications as well until I find the perfect one.

I don’t really feel like sleeping tonight after working on the new theme for the past 4 hours. I can’t wait for the 2 working days to end too. I need the long weekend.

Getting Well

Sometimes you need to fall sick, recover and then start all over again…this time refreshed, healed and ready to take on the world again. My exact feelings at this point of time.

I know my cough is coming to an end with a tiny bit of phlegm left lurking around. They are evil because I will get this sudden attack where I can’t stop coughing for a good few minutes, tears coming out of my eyes, face all red and my breath goes haywire.

Got a few things fixed over the weekend. The brake light of my car on the driver’s side wasn’t working so I visited the nearest service centre, knowing it’s just going to take a change of bulb to get it working again. But what happened was as the mechanic changed the bulb, the ones that were working (left and middle) stopped working altogether. I was with no brake lights.

They said it’s because of the brakes switch so they got that fixed. What doesn’t make sense is why it just suddenly stopped functioning when the guy changed the bulb. I didn’t like the way some of the guys were looking at me and my sister as well. It’s like they’ve never seen species called “female” in their entire life. I don’t usually go to this service centre and I know very well I’m just going to stick to my usual service centre because the guys over there are kind and they are not dodgy.

Watched Shrek Forever After. It was alright but my all time favourite will always be Shrek 1.

Fixed the hair too. Cut it about one inch shorter, feels so great now. Cannot imagine myself with long hair anymore and I don’t know if that’s normal. I’m obsessed with my hair being short.

De-clutter again and more work in progress, considering the amount of clutter I’ve got.

Watched 16 episodes of Cinderella’s Stepsister..had wanted to continue watching but there’s only 16 episodes on the website out of the 20 so I’ve got to wait. It gets better towards the end with twist of events. I like.

Now…a good night’s  sleep for a fantastic tomorrow.

I love you.

Hooks

Went to the dentist after work and he fixed 4 hooks on the front upper and lower jaw to accommodate the elastic bands that will pull it together to close the gap. It is the ugliest look I’ve ever had for the entire braces period I’m going through. Generally, when I have those elastic bands on, I can’t put any spoon through my mouth and speaking will be hard because I can’t open my mouth wide. The moment I saw it from the dentist’s mirror, I was a bit speechless. I’ll take a picture tomorrow…a bit shocked for now. Hahaha.

I don’t think I can go out like that because the moment I open my mouth, nobody is going to look at me, they will be staring at my teeth and then think to themselves, what the hell. So I will not present that nightmare and I’ll only be on those rubberbands when I sleep and when I’m not out meeting people. The process may take longer this way but I don’t want to jeopardise any chance of meeting a decent guy. If these hooks and bands were to work out smoothly by end of next month, I’ll be wearing braces for 2 years then, which is 6 months later than expected. Heh! But aku tak kisah lah…sebab dah biasa. Good things come to those who wait..AKU TUNGGU!!!

Went to Jusco Bandar Utama because it’s Jusco Day. The best part is some retail outlets were also having J Card Special sale. I like! Bought shoes….so nice. Bought a pillow at 50% discount and I’ll be sleeping on it tonight. Bought tissue. Actually many were seen buying tissue. Haha.

I want to go parade on my new shoes before bedtime. Good night!