1…9

1. I actually like my day today. Was alone most of the time after my 3-hour class in the morning. Came home and was studying Korean until now so you can say I studied Korean the whole day. Yes, I don’t know where I get the motivation, probably it’s the accumulation of guilt for not really studying for the past 2 weeks. My teacher has just asked me to write a 150 word essay, which is intimidating, really but I’m going to churn that out, maybe during the Raya holidays. She’s making me learn faster than I expect myself to. I like it though…I like the push.

2. I’ve been looking up lots of words from the dictionary and now I have a habit to search the meaning of Korean vocabulary in both Chinese and English. I’d look up the meaning in English first then Chinese, so that I get the “full” meaning of it. When I don’t get the meaning entirely in English, Chinese meaning helps. When I’m not sure what it actually means in Chinese, English helps to clear the doubt. In a way, it makes me practise my Chinese too. You know when you don’t write Chinese words for a long time, you will not remember how to write them. Now, I’ll write both English and Chinese meaning next to the Korean words.

3. I LOVE my new mechanical pencil. I also LOVE the fact that I have excuses to buy stationery now. I have a thing with stationery. I like writing with a pencil than a pen. I LOVE my eraser too. It’s black in colour, which works better than the white. I like writing on the paper or a notebook with straight lines of words, all neat and well-spaced. I like the view of it…it gives me a rush. I call this life’s simple pleasures.

4. Next week will be the beginning of the end of a phase. I have been having mixed feelings about this. My head tells me it’s time to move on, it’s right to hold on to the opportunity, it’s ok to let go, it’s ok to feel that I’m challenged out of the comfort zone, it’s ok to worry about the uncertainty. My heart tells me…why change when you are already comfortable with where you are, what you do. However, at the same time, it also tells me, things have changed and I have changed. I’m already quiet but I’m quieter because I just want to suppress those feelings for I’m afraid if I let myself express, it’ll be ugly. I pretend that everything is ok. Whatever it is, I’ve made up my mind and I’m going to go with it. I hope it will be for the best.

5. Discovered audio note on WhatsApp today when a friend sent me one. Love it and I started sending audio notes back and then started harassing my sister with funny and nonsensical audio notes.

6. Met one of my junior in high school for dinner last week. We have not met since I left school. That’s like 12 years. Learnt a few things from him. I was tired from work but I just told myself to go out and meet people, to talk to people, maybe it would help to clear my mind, just to do something that is out of my routine. And it doesn’t kill to have more friends.

7….which brings me to this point that I don’t have many friends that are older than I am. I have many younger friends. I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing. Being with younger people..makes me feel uhm…young? But sometimes I’d like to have older friends who would talk to me about serious stuff, to give me advice, to tell me about things I ought to know. They would have gone through life a bit more than me so they would be able to guide and be my mentor.

8. I really would love to own a piano one day. It’ll be white in colour. When I’m sad, happy, stressed or in despair, I’ll reach out to it and play it when words can’t help express what I’d like to say. Yea…thanks to those Korean OST that is played on piano, they just make me go crazy.

9. Bed time. Meeting a friend tomorrow. We are going to buy books.

SLEEP

I think I’m going to like sleep like a pig tonight. I REALLY HOPE!

I can sleep right now but I’m too full.

I also hope to resume my normal life next week. It’s been ages since I last cooked. I’m looking forward to the 3-day break but at the same time still contemplating if I should work to earn some money. Will decide on Monday…if the workload is kind to me, I’m gonna give myself a break. Else, probably work one day out of the three since the work will be waiting for me by the end of the holiday…and no one’s helping.

I want my life back.

Stressed?

Don’t know what’s wrong with me. Been 3 days that I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and can’t sleep well.

Too many things I’m worried about because I find myself waking up with a heavy heart, thinking either about things I have to do, things that are not solved yet, things that are pending.

I need to learn how to relax and manage stress even if it gets too overwhelming.

It’s 4am and I’m crying for no reason. I don’t mind if it helps to release some tension.

Air Tickets

I’ve spent most of my money on flight tickets within these days. It’s not even funny.

First, there’s this KL-Seoul return ticket that I’ve bought for next year.

Then, there’s this KL-KK return ticket for 2.

Followed by, KL-Singapore return ticket.

The best part is….after buying the KL-Singapore ticket, I just realised my visit coincides with Singapore F1 Grand Prix..which means hotel rates are ridiculous. Don’t know whether to laugh or cry but I have to be there anyway F1 or not so I’m finding ways to justify my spending.

The only way I can  comfort myself is by telling myself, “Money earned is to be spent and money can be earned again.”