I had a very emotional week last week. If starting anew is hard, deciding to leave is even harder. It is not my first time saying goodbye. I know I cried like shit when I quit my first job. Because it was my first job and my first time saying goodbye so it was hard for me. I can still remember how hard I was trying to suppress those tears when I shook hands with my boss then. He was the nicest boss I’ve ever worked with.
Then, I know the feeling of “can’t-wait-to-quit” so this definitely doesn’t involve tears but triumph of joy.
This time around, it’s different. It was a 50-50 thing. I love my job, I love the people I work with but there has been changes that makes things a little harder to go by each day. I wasn’t sure if I can ignore that and just go on with whatever I have been doing. Somehow along the way, an opportunity came and it didn’t come easy and I thought, why not give it a try?
Even right until I throw in the letter, I still had my doubts because I was so comfortable with where I was, I was so attached with the people I worked with. Let me tell you, it was a tough one. It still pains me writing this.
However, what happened last week reassured me that it’s ok to move on, whether or not the next place would work out for me. Of course, I can’t tell you in detail what happened but I know for my mental health and emotional well-being, I had to move on.
I wrote a farewell note of what I think was the best one I ever wrote. I don’t usually compliment myself but I really liked that note. I composed that one day ahead to make sure I don’t miss anyone, to make sure I thank people that I should thank and I didn’t want to send that in a hurry when the many things going on on my last day.
I was told that I can always come back should the new place doesn’t work out for me. Though it was a very nice gesture but I really really hope I am able to move on and do well wherever I am next.
One of the many people I’ve worked with was sad to me go and appreciated my work so much that she had deliver me a goodbye gift all the way from United States to me and I’m excited and I’m still waiting for that package to arrive. You see….these are the things that just makes it harder for me.
Another one told me if I ever move to the US, I can let them know.
Another one asked me if I was ever interested in one of the roles in the future, she could create an opening for me.
All these melts my heart and breaks at it at the same time.
Which is why…I must write this down because I do not want to forget this lovely journey that I had in this workplace, even though I had wished and I knew I had the intention to be here as long as I can but it’s just unfortunate that it didn’t turn out that way.
I didn’t have a long break before I started in the new place. The transition is hard. Firstly is because I don’t think I’ve let it go fully, I’m still holding on. Secondly, I’m very near to where I used to work so in a way it keeps reminding me of it. I keep bumping into people I know. It is nice that they are no longer my colleagues but my friends. It is a little bit uncomfortable at first, it’s just been 2 days…but I know I will come to terms with it.
The new place is kind to me so far. People are generally nice. I will be travelling soon. Job scope may not be as challenging but what I get is work/life balance, which is important for me. Maybe it’s good to slow down a bit and recover from my so-called “heartache”. Hopefully I get to have more personal time to do my own stuff and get good grades in my Korean exam next year…and I wish to continue studying as long as I can.
I have this instinct that this might be my last job in the corporate world. I don’t know why I think so but I just have this feeling. I have no idea what I’ll be doing next if this is true but it will definitely be something that I can do which allows me to have flexibility in time. I want to be in control of my time and not to have my 9-6 dominating it.
I foresee another “leap of faith”coming but I don’t know how soon or how long.
For now, what I really want to do is to move on, to let go, to store it as just memories, it is ok to feel sad, it is ok to miss the old place but I really really need to move on, to see what’s installed for me next, to be positive, to do what’s right, to do my best in whatever circumstances I’m in, to be more confident…I’ve been so lousy for a start because I’m not being fully present here. Physically I am but my heart and soul is still stuck at the old place. This is bad and this has got to change or I’ll forever be haunted and trapped in this shell of mine. Sometimes I wished I was a little cold-hearted so that I wouldn’t “feel”so many things. But knowing me and myself, I know I need time. I know what I need to do but my heart just needs time.