You Will be Missed

I was trying to fall asleep but just can’t because I’m thinking about a friend. I was having dinner at Pavilion with my sister when suddenly I received a call from a friend telling me of a sudden bad news that my ex-classmate has passed away.

He wasn’t someone I expected to be the one who would be telling me the news because I don’t think he really knows her so I thank him for actually thinking about telling me. The only relation is that they met during my Chinese New Year open house in Sandakan.

I’m not very close to her but every year when I go back to Sandakan, we would meet up with the other girls to catchup. Every year without fail, she’ll come visit me on the first day of CNY for my open house. She’s just a very sporting, friendly and a cheerful girl.

She left us due to meningitis today and I’m saddened by her sudden death because she’s so young. It is disturbing and made me want to treasure life even more because we don’t really know when our last day will be.

This is the first time, someone from my bunch of classmate has left us and it’s a little hard to accept because there is so much ahead of her but now she’s gone.

Life is short. I just want to love the people around me and wishing they’ll be happy and live life to its fullest way possible, healthily and responsibly. We may not be able to control everything but at least we can respect life the best way we can.

2.28

Planning for a family trip and feeling a little stressed. Mind is so occupied with research done the past few days and finding myself awake at 2.30am and it’s been an hour since then, still thinking about planning for the trip.

It is a busy week for me, not so much about work but things to do after work. Some are unavoidable, company movie event, farewell dinner and my plan of getting the house cleaned and tidied seems like a faraway task as I’m finding lesser time for it. The same goes for the revision for my Korean language exam. It’s only a month away.

Parents will be coming next week and I’ll be busier. Torn between spending with them, sister, boyfriend, friend and time for myself.

I’m trying to adapt and adjust with the sudden pile of things. Most times the plans I plan for the day just doesn’t work anymore. I’m finding myself tackling other stuff than the one I’ve planned because it seems only natural and sometimes necessary.

Wanting to take it a day at a time but taking it a day at a time is what I’ve been doing and though it may be ok, I’m still feeling like I should or could do more.

Anyway, I should try to sleep now because it’s gonna be two straight long days.

The Significant Other

Dear Bunny,

So, I finally found him.

He’s not someone I think I would be together with when I first get to know him. That’s because I have a list of requirements of the ideal man I wish to be with. You know… tall, pleasant-looking…stuff like that even though I’ll always say I just want someone I can talk to, who can make me laugh, whom I feel comfortable to be with.

When I grew to like him, I threw the list away. When you find someone nicer than you are, I think that says a lot. We can talk to each other non-stop. We are comfortable with each other and can be ourselves in each other’s company. I had this minor issue with our height. Technically, he’s taller than me if I don’t wear heels. And I can’t wear too high a heel to appear taller than him. We have been doing silly stuff (or I should say I have been suggesting silly ideas) of peering into mirrors whenever we are outside to see if I was appearing shorter than him. Each time when he appears taller, I’ll be overjoyed. Silly, I know.

Anyway, he’s just too nice a guy for me to forego just because of his physical appearance. It was an experience of sudden realisation for me. I asked myself if I wanted someone drop dead gorgeous looking but I can’t click with or I would want to be with someone I can click with even though he’s not perfectly handsome. There is nothing wrong with loving pretty things, good looking people. Everyone has got their own preference. It’s just I never knew how looks matter to me to a certain extent that made me hesitated and think if I can accept him. It was also an ugly realisation for me that I actually have those thoughts running in my mind. Then, I thought to myself that I may think I look good now but who is to know how I would look like 20 years down the road? Would I also want someone to like me just because of my looks? The answer was no. And if I’m not perfect myself, why would I expect my significant other to be perfect?

The paragraph above is not to state how shallow or superficial I can be but to tell you how great a guy he is for me to just love his inner beauty and personality.

My mum had her list of requirements of the ideal man I ought to be with too and her list was longer. The thing is my mum is never satisfied with the people I used to date. She denied this fact but this is what I really feel. Not because all of them were bad but because she has the ability to pick even the slightest detail and focus on the flaws instead of the strengths of a person. All this while, I always have this fear that I’ll yet again find someone my mum wouldn’t like and feel the need of obligation to find the one she likes.

This time around I decided to put a stop to it. I actually had a heart to heart talk with my mum over the phone.

“I want the best for you.” she said.

“Don’t I want the best for myself?” I retorted.

There were things from my previous relationship which I didn’t tell her, again for the same fear and not wanting her to be paranoid, over worry or to have her think how silly and stupid I was to allow myself to in that situation. I had no choice but to tell her this time so that she understands what I’ve been through and why I really think I’ve found the one.

It wasn’t an easy conversation. I cried because I was expressing things which were pushed very much towards the bottom of my heart and I had to have them resurfaced again. But when I was done, I felt so much better. I know mum was in a little bit of a shock but it couldn’t be helped. I didn’t care if my mum decides to disagree with me again because I just wanted her to know what I really think and feel all this while. Of why I am so reluctant to tell her everything for the fear of being judged. It turned out that my mum was able to understand the stupid things a woman would do when they are very much in love. It’s not a bad thing but it looks bad when the guy on the receiving end decides to take advantage, abuse your kindness and turn it into a disaster.

Mum now learns not to be over paranoid in hoping that I’ll open up to her more. I know she’s trying but I wouldn’t expect a total or drastic change. My intention of the conversation I had with her is to let her know as an adult of my thoughts and feelings growing up as a child, as a teenager and then in my 20s under her wings. And because I always feel the need to respect and not be rebellious, I often swallow my thoughts so I don’t know what in me triggered the conversation to talk to her adult to adult. But I guess this guy is important to me to a level where I will not allow anyone to talk bad about him a single bit. It’s like I want to protect him, even from my mum. My dad…I don’t really know how he feels or thinks about this but he’s more open. He allows my sister and me to choose who we want to be with and he will support us whoever we choose to be with. So with Dad, I never really needed to worry.

The funny thing about how it all started is all in reverse order. He met both my parents before we even started the relationship. Same goes for me, met his entire family. We were attending the same wedding in Sandakan. I am a friend of the bride. He is a friend of the groom. I played tour guide when he was visiting and he “purposely” bought the seat next to me on our flight back to KL. I stopped at his house to have dinner on the way home from the airport where I met his parents and when I left, he told me he told his parents that we are “on”. I had “no choice” but to be “on” as in to be his girlfriend. Hahaha. Trust me, I was furious and flabbergasted then even though I can laugh about it now. I was interested in him but not to a speed to declare we are an item yet. On top of that, he didn’t even asked me the golden question yet and so how could we be “on” just like that?

It was a series of unexpected events and I liked the fact that it happened when I least expected it to. We work in the same workplace so it’s a little harder and tricky. I’m not going to publicly announce I’m taken as of yet due to this so whoever finds this blog would know, in addition to close friends whom I’ve informed personally. We have known each other as colleagues less than a year, became friends just a few months, became close friends just a few weeks but it feels like I’ve known him for so long.

I’m very thankful and happy and I think God is good to me. Thank you, Bunny for guarding over me from above.

Missing you,
Gracie