Too Sensitive

Been awake for an hour already since 1.30am. I feel fine and was reading about “Highly Sensitive People”. It’s weird how I would think I would know myself better as time goes by and yet I feel there’s more about myself that I need to learn. I’m analysing why I’m reacting and handling things in a certain way.

I can be very annoyingly microscopic, long-visioned (lately, focusing on the uncomfortable changes that would befall me which isn’t necessary bad things but just uncomfortable at the thought of it), and looking too big a picture (too many scenarios and thus many thoughts).

It’s 3am. Sleepy. This would be a hanging entry, can’t think anymore.

The Many Thoughts, Again

Another sleepless hour has passed. I think I’m going to lose more hair at the rate that I’m going with the many thoughts that I have.

Opened the sliding door and looked out of the balcony to catch some breeze, checking out which house is still awake. There wasn’t much of a breeze so I just lied down on the couch while still staring at the sky.

I have a lot of these moments lately. Being forgetful, catching myself slowly seeping into deep thought, sometimes could be just blank, feeling unsure, needing assurance, questioning why I’m like that, making simple tasks seemed challenging (which way to turn the keys to open the door, I can be very bad with keys), battling with my own thoughts, thinking and worrying about the future and possible scenarios that may or may not happen.

Not exactly how I’d like to spend CNY anyway, even knowing how precious moments like these I should appreciate even more so now because I may not have the privilege like this in the future as there is always a next progress and next stage of life. But I’m afraid and so worried, I’m doing just the opposite, not enjoying or appreciating or living the moment. I’m living in a world of worry and projecting thoughts of the future into the mind. Sometimes I think I’m fast-forwarding my life in thoughts. I worry and think about things way before it is even here yet.

I look at my parents and think I’m not good enough. I just feel at the age I’m at now, I’m not on par. They are still taking care of me of how they’ve always been. I love and care for them a lot in the heart and I feel that I should be more “grown up” in some sense that maybe I could be more in charge over things, to have me worry about certain things now that I’m “bigger”.

The problem is I don’t know how because I can be so helpless still. Therefore, I slip back into one of modes I listed above and don’t feel very good about it and don’t feel good about myself.

I don’t understand the process or phase that I’m in now. It’s been this way for quite a few months now. I hate to think it as a form of depression because there is nothing in my life to be depressed about if I zoom out and look at a bigger picture. Just perhaps when I zoom in, I see flaws and wished I was better, braver and not to be so self-conscious to the point of freaking myself out, more confident and steady. But I do hope it will shed a light not too far away in the future of the many thoughts, feelings and uncertainties that I have now.

It’s 3.12am and I’m hungry.

A Quiet CNY

This CNY is a quiet one for me. There are lesser friends that I’m meeting this year as quite a few of them that are not traveling home due to family commitments. And as you get older, more friends are getting married or having children and its harder to get in touch as before.

I’ve never visited any relatives during CNY for as long as I’ve lived because our family is the only one that’s residing in East Malaysia and every year we celebrate only as a family here. So, it’s really quiet.

There were no lion dance to visit the house on the first day so that adds to the quietness as well. In short, I just don’t get very excited anymore about CNY as compared to when I was little and younger. I also don’t feel like receiving angpows anymore because it makes me feel old. Hahaha.

This CNY, I’m just gonna stay home a lot and be with my parents. Go to temples and pray (luck not quite on my side these few days), go catch some lion dance performance outside and enjoy the peacefulness at home.

Huat ah!!!

New Home

It’s good to be back. The special thing this trip back home for CNY is that we get to stay at the new apartment. Well, just me and my sister for now. Pappy still loves the old house. Mummy is busy with things at the old house too. We’ve been making trips to be with them during the day and coming home to the new place at night to sleep.

The interior is simple and nice and my room is painted with two tones of white and light purple. Each of us has the room painted in their own preferred colour.

I’ve been telling my sister of how much I like this place and wished if only this whole apartment is in KL. It’s new, not filled with too many stuff, in fact it’s very empty now, and it’s so easy to clean! This is how I like a home to be. Simple and nice.

But my wish is never gonna come true so I’m going to cherish every moment I have and again hope I could make another trip back this year to stay in this new place.

Time to get our of my lovely new bed! Happy Chinese New Year Eve and have an enjoyable reunion with your families!

Spring Clean

It’s 3.30am and I’ve been awake for more than an hour. In fact I didn’t feel like I’m gonna get any sleep when I slept at almost 12am. I just feel very awake, even at this hour.

It could be due to the late shower with hair wash or the late light dinner at 9.30. I’m a little hungry now actually. It’s just not a routinely normal day for me. Could have been too obsessed and pre-occupied with the idea of house cleaning and decluttering.

I’ve been spring cleaning the house since Friday. And a cleaner came to help out with the cleaning today from 3pm to 8.30pm. It is still not 100% done when she reminded me about washing the curtains but I really am going to stop cleaning already for now. There’s no end to housework anyway. Sent her home as it was raining and she had a lot to carry.

My hands and feet are dry from over washing. Donated lots of clothes away. Some are old. Some doesn’t fit me anymore because I’m fatter. Some I’ve been battling to keep it because I feel it’s a waste to give away but in reality it’s just a feeling and that I don’t see myself wearing something again if I’ve not worn it in a year or more.

I’m not going to buy something if I’m only 80% liking it. It has to be 100% liking it or at least 90% to eliminate the risk of buying clothes that I hardly wear.

Decorated the house too. Love the mini LED red lights at the balcony. My dad is a genius because he came up with a way to solve the electrical part. I have always loved man that can do a little plumbing, fixed some electrical stuff and some other stuff you’d require a man to do in the house.

Oh, and I’m thinking about money issues and the need to change job but battling the thoughts with the comfort and convenience I’m enjoying now. My mind is just full. A little too much at this hour when all I need is sleep.

Anyway, I’m still happy that the house is cleaned and looking forward to my balik kampung trip.