Another sleepless hour has passed. I think I’m going to lose more hair at the rate that I’m going with the many thoughts that I have.
Opened the sliding door and looked out of the balcony to catch some breeze, checking out which house is still awake. There wasn’t much of a breeze so I just lied down on the couch while still staring at the sky.
I have a lot of these moments lately. Being forgetful, catching myself slowly seeping into deep thought, sometimes could be just blank, feeling unsure, needing assurance, questioning why I’m like that, making simple tasks seemed challenging (which way to turn the keys to open the door, I can be very bad with keys), battling with my own thoughts, thinking and worrying about the future and possible scenarios that may or may not happen.
Not exactly how I’d like to spend CNY anyway, even knowing how precious moments like these I should appreciate even more so now because I may not have the privilege like this in the future as there is always a next progress and next stage of life. But I’m afraid and so worried, I’m doing just the opposite, not enjoying or appreciating or living the moment. I’m living in a world of worry and projecting thoughts of the future into the mind. Sometimes I think I’m fast-forwarding my life in thoughts. I worry and think about things way before it is even here yet.
I look at my parents and think I’m not good enough. I just feel at the age I’m at now, I’m not on par. They are still taking care of me of how they’ve always been. I love and care for them a lot in the heart and I feel that I should be more “grown up” in some sense that maybe I could be more in charge over things, to have me worry about certain things now that I’m “bigger”.
The problem is I don’t know how because I can be so helpless still. Therefore, I slip back into one of modes I listed above and don’t feel very good about it and don’t feel good about myself.
I don’t understand the process or phase that I’m in now. It’s been this way for quite a few months now. I hate to think it as a form of depression because there is nothing in my life to be depressed about if I zoom out and look at a bigger picture. Just perhaps when I zoom in, I see flaws and wished I was better, braver and not to be so self-conscious to the point of freaking myself out, more confident and steady. But I do hope it will shed a light not too far away in the future of the many thoughts, feelings and uncertainties that I have now.
It’s 3.12am and I’m hungry.