I was very happy with my progress for the past 2-3 weeks or so. Until I stressed myself out again yesterday. And then, all the crappy thoughts came crawling back into the mind.
It is very dangerous of how the positive me can suddenly turn into a temporary wreck.
I’m taking this as a learning experience, to understand myself better. Things have changed since I had depression. What may work before for me may not work for me anymore. There’s a reason why I was sucked into depression. It could have been the events that I found overwhelming but what I really think is causing it is my mindset and my perspective. Having had depression is a life signal for me and will continue to serve as a reminder for me moving forward.
I don’t give myself much credit when I do a good job or when I get things done. I would always look at what I’m lacking, what’s more to be done, what could I have done to make what I’ve done better. It’s always a never-ending goal and achievement. I may be good enough but I don’t view it that way.
At work, I start the day with the aim of solving a task. If by the end of the day I don’t get it solved, I beat myself up. The task is something new to me and I don’t know how long someone new at it or someone who has worked on it will take to solve it. But to me I’ll always feel it should be done in a fairly quick manner. Especially so when I see someone more experienced is doing it effortlessly. Hence, the pressure and the fear of being viewed as incapable.
In reality, I don’t know if I’m good enough. I may be. I may not be. But no matter what it is, and in order to save myself from inflicting more stress than I should, in order to save dear Grace, I’m going to start constantly remind myself of the many little positive things I’ve done. The many little things that I’m learning along the way. In short, a daily review. Whatever that I have gathered now may still not bring me to where I want to be but that’s fine. So long as I’m progressing no matter how tiny or slow, I’m sure I’ll eventually get there.
I still have my little book with me at work, to write down what I’ve done and achieved so far no matter how small to remind myself that I’m learning and to slowly build up the confidence that I’ve lost. I also have another book at home to plan what I’m going to do after work, just so to create a structure for me. It helps in the sense where I’m able to make time for the things that I think is important. Exercise, reading, time for TV, self-learning and time to just chill and do nothing. I know myself too well that I’m very good at procrastinating and I’m also good at just letting time pass without doing anything significant. The structure comes in the form of a block of 30 minutes. So far, it has helped me a lot. It sounds boring to have a structure but structure is what I need now to keep me functioning. Striking off the blocks each time I’m done gives me a sense of happiness and accomplishment too.
There is a reason why I’m going through what I’m going through now. God wants me to learn to manage my stress better and to see the value in me. I know there will still be days like today where I don’t feel comfortable bringing myself to face the challenges I need to face but I need to face the fear and do it anyway. Each Monday, I look forward to Friday. When Friday seems too far away, I look forward to the end of a working Monday. The thing is I don’t want this to be an eternal thing. I don’t want to be just looking forward to Fridays that I forget to enjoy Monday to Thursday. I would like to see and feel the fun in whatever I feel are insurmountable tasks that I’m doing.
For a start, I give myself a pat on the shoulder for working out 30 minutes today.
While reading “Unstoppable” by Nick Vujicic, I came across this line. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
I am, perhaps, good enough. 😀