Am I Good Enough or Not?

I was very happy with my progress for the past 2-3 weeks or so. Until I stressed myself out again yesterday. And then, all the crappy thoughts came crawling back into the mind.

It is very dangerous of how the positive me can suddenly turn into a temporary wreck.

I’m taking this as a learning experience, to understand myself better. Things have changed since I had depression. What may work before for me may not work for me anymore. There’s a reason why I was sucked into depression. It could have been the events that I found overwhelming but what I really think is causing it is my mindset and my perspective. Having had depression is a life signal for me and will continue to serve as a reminder for me moving forward.

I don’t give myself much credit when I do a good job or when I get things done. I would always look at what I’m lacking, what’s more to be done, what could I have done to make what I’ve done better. It’s always a never-ending goal and achievement. I may be good enough but I don’t view it that way.

At work, I start the day with the aim of solving a task. If by the end of the day I don’t get it solved, I beat myself up. The task is something new to me and I don’t know how long someone new at it or someone who has worked on it will take to solve it. But to me I’ll always feel it should be done in a fairly quick manner. Especially so when I see someone more experienced is doing it effortlessly. Hence, the pressure and the fear of being viewed as incapable.

In reality, I don’t know if I’m good enough. I may be. I may not be. But no matter what it is, and in order to save myself from inflicting more stress than I should, in order to save dear Grace, I’m going to start constantly remind myself of the many little positive things I’ve done. The many little things that I’m learning along the way. In short, a daily review. Whatever that I have gathered now may still not bring me to where I want to be but that’s fine. So long as I’m progressing no matter how tiny or slow, I’m sure I’ll eventually get there.

I still have my little book with me at work, to write down what I’ve done and achieved so far no matter how small to remind myself that I’m learning and to slowly build up the confidence that I’ve lost. I also have another book at home to plan what I’m going to do after work, just so to create a structure for me. It helps in the sense where I’m able to make time for the things that I think is important. Exercise, reading, time for TV, self-learning and time to just chill and do nothing. I know myself too well that I’m very good at procrastinating and I’m also good at just letting time pass without doing anything significant. The structure comes in the form of a block of 30 minutes. So far, it has helped me a lot. It sounds boring to have a structure but structure is what I need now to keep me functioning.  Striking off the blocks each time I’m done gives me a sense of happiness and accomplishment too.

There is a reason why I’m going through what I’m going through now. God wants me to learn to manage my stress better and to see the value in me. I know there will still be days like today where I don’t feel comfortable bringing myself to face the challenges I need to face but I need to face the fear and do it anyway. Each Monday, I look forward to Friday. When Friday seems too far away, I look forward to the end of a working Monday. The thing is I don’t want this to be an eternal thing. I don’t want to be just looking forward to Fridays that I forget to enjoy Monday to Thursday. I would like to see and feel the fun in whatever I feel are insurmountable tasks that I’m doing.

For a start, I give myself a pat on the shoulder for working out 30 minutes today.

While reading “Unstoppable” by Nick Vujicic, I came across this line.  How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. 

I am, perhaps, good enough. 😀

Stuck

A challenging day at work today as I’ve been looking at the same thing the whole day but still can’t quite figure out how to make it work. This is one thing I dread.

Got help from someone but I’m still unable to achieve the desired results. Came home with a very tired brain and napped.

Woke up, had dinner with my dad before I continued working on it again. Still no luck. But I’m giving it a rest or I’ll be dreaming about the codes in my sleep.

To distract my mind, I’m turning to reading. Something that makes me peaceful lately, with the right book of course. Hopefully I can think of something tomorrow.

Fridays

I love Fridays more than ever now. In fact, when it comes to Thursday nights, I will start to get excited that Friday is approaching.

My days during my previous job feels like a weekend everyday. There wasn’t much difference whether it’s the beginning of the week, mid-week or the end of the week. Most of the time I was just drifting hence the monotonous pattern.

I feel much more alive now. Every day is a new day for me because I’m working on things that are new to me and learning a lot. I’m aware of the skill gap that I have and sometimes I’m spending some time after work at home to teach myself. That’s the least I can do for myself for improvement.

I’m starting to cook again. Every Wednesday is cooking night for me where I’ll have to think and come up with a simple and healthy recipe for two. Me and boyfriend.

Everyday whenever possible is workout day for me. I’m aiming at at least 30 minutes of exercise everyday. So far, I’ve managed to workout at least 3 times in a week. Hoping to continue this until it becomes a habit. Just looking at and feeling the sweat trickling is an awesome feeling. My body feels so light after that.

I’m reading every night now before I sleep. Just lying on the bed with my blankie, Ducky and a book makes me happy. It’s one of the best moments of the day.

And not forgetting my love for Korean dramas. If there’s only one channel that I can choose on the tv, it has got to be channel 393 on Astro. The channel – ONE, shows dramas all day. You have no idea how thrilled I was when I finally get a hold of this channel.

Ok, back to my book reading. Good night peeps! 🙂

Pray for MH370

I’ve been following the news of the missing aircraft MH370 since I woke up yesterday as soon as I saw a news being shared on Facebook.

I’ve been watching the news on TV be it on CNN, Astro Awani and Al Jazeera the whole day. Have also been following news online but I’m not fully believing everything that I’m seeing on Facebook.

I just feel very sad and the reason of me trying to catch every news that I can is just to hope that there is a clue to this mystery and that there will be good news.

The first thing that came to my mind when I woke up this morning was still the missing aircraft. And again, I was reading the news online but so far no sign of the aircraft has been spotted.

This is not helping and I have to relax a bit now and get back to my life. Life has to go on but I’ll continue to hope and pray.

Weighing Myself

Last Saturday, I went to see the psychiatrist again. I told him I’ve stopped the second medication which helps in boosting the anti-depressant that I’m taking. I were to take it for another 2 weeks or so but I just couldn’t do it anymore. The medicine made me gain weight and have an increased appetite. My mind will always be craving for food, especially sweet ones. I actually felt better after stopping it because I won’t always have to battle with myself and to control the unnecessary urge for food. I’m on a mission to lose weight before my pre-wedding photo shoot. Gown fitting is approximately one month away and yes….I am doing everything I can to be as slim and fit as I can be.

I’ve lost 2kg since I’ve stopped the second medication. There’s another one that I’m maintaining though. Technically, I feel I’m fully cured but I’ll have to follow the doctor’s advice to maintain it for another month before slowly tabling it off. I’m looking forward to that day to come. I get more done these days. There is motivation. There is a goal I’m working towards.

Sometimes I still get a bit overwhelmed. Like today, I have many things on my mind. I came home and write it all down in a list so that I can have an overview of it in paper instead of having it all scattered in my head. I feel better already. There are things which would take me ages to do last time but now it gets simpler because sometimes I just act on it than to think about it too much.

I do that at work too. I will jot down the things that I’ve learned, no matter how small..to build my confidence that I’m learning something everyday. There are of course things that I still don’t get my head around it yet but I’m sure in due time, I will. So long as I keep improving myself and be the better me today than yesterday, I’m all good.

My latest hobby is weighing myself on the new digital scale that I’ve bought yesterday. I’ve also been doing workouts for the past few days, following the videos here: http://www.livestrong.com/blog/10-free-workouts-get-fitter-stronger/

Some of it looks simple but when you start to do it, it’s not simple as it seems. I actually sweat more doing these workouts than when I play tennis.  I feel happy just looking at myself sweat! 😀