Letting it Out

Yesterday wasn’t the best of days. I just didn’t feel right. I got up and did some exercise for 30 minutes. The body and soul felt lighter after that. During shower, I was just summarizing the events over the past week, the past weeks, over the span of a few months. I thought about my unhappy moments, the disappointment, the setbacks, the chaos and clutter in my mind. I also thought about my husband-to-be that has been very supportive, the conversation I had with my dad last year in the car, ┬áthe people around me who have been kind towards me.

I don’t know why but I just cried in the shower. There are just feelings you can’t possibly describe it perfectly with words. There are just feelings you need to let it out. My way of doing it was through tears. I went to bed with such swollen eyes and somehow managed to get about 3 hours of sleep only because for some reason I woke up at 3am and wasn’t able to get some deep sleep after that.

However, I woke up this morning feeling better even though I was tired, my eyes were still tired and swollen but the heart seems to be opening up to take in the goodness the day has to offer. It’s going to be another 3 days before I will be unemployed.

I was calculating and doing some budgeting of how long I can survive without any income. I don’t want to be stressed out or panicking over it. I’m thankful that I have enough savings to manage for the time being. I just need to be thrifty and make sure I don’t simply spend. If not having any increase in the bank account will bring back the richness I need in my life as I take time off from work, then I’d rather fill myself up with as much richness as I can before I enter the corporate world once again.

I don’t want to feel bad or guilty that this job didn’t work out for me. I would just take it as a path I needed to take and go through. I don’t want to think about how I wasn’t able to cope but I want to remember about the times when I was able to do very well and excel. It may seem like it’s been ages but if I can do it before, I can do it again. I will shine in due time.

Learning to Focus

I woke up this morning before 6am even though it’s a weekend. My biological clock is tuned to waking up very early now irregardless of the time I go to bed.

Woke up with a long to-do list in my head and reflecting on the day before. I would need to get used to this and manage the clutter in my head.

I’m practicing mindfulness where if I’m eating, I make sure I’m eating and I’m enjoying the food instead of eating and thinking of God knows what. When I’m reading a book, I got to focus and enjoy reading instead of reading the same few lines over and over again because the mind is drifted elsewhere while you are still reading the same lines. Sometimes I even find myself reading few pages, reading just words but it doesn’t really absorb into the brain because the mind is auto-running some program in the background.

I’m learning to detect all this drifting away point so that I can shout a hello to myself silently and get back to where I need to focus. I’m capable of thinking of so many things at one time and I don’t think it’s a very good skill for me because it at times immobilize me. But because this is how I’m wired, I would need to allow myself time to do all the thinking that I want but once the thinking time block is up, I need to tell myself it’s time to work on it instead of thinking about it. Else, I’ll be thinking the whole day and drive myself crazy.

Everyday and more so recently, I’m learning more about myself because I don’t want to fight with myself anymore and I’m focusing on myself more. At times, I focus on people around me too much that I forget about myself. The worse is when you think you are focusing on others but you’re really not because there are issues within you that is not fixed. A mind that is screaming out to you it needs a break but you ignore it and continue because you feel you can’t stop worrying and it’ll be selfish. That’s when things starts to get overwhelmed.

Ironically, I know once I focus on taking care of myself, I can focus on taking care of others better too. It sort of turned out that way on a fine day last week and I know I can have many days like that if only I start to focus, take care and love myself.

It’s when I feel totally crappy that the world that revolves around me is crappy too. I need to start feeling good and have the goodness surround me.

Acceptance

For the past week, I needed to do a lot of self-talk in the morning to get myself out of bed to head to work. The morning is the most difficult time for me but once I get pass that, I am fine.

I’ve come to accept that I can only do what I can now at work and that there are things that I’m just not cut-out to do. This would serve as a lesson on what I should take note in my next job search.

I’m disappointed that it didn’t work out for me. There are things that I’m able to do and that I enjoy doing it but another big portion of the time involves me doing something that I’m not able to cope well with.

Just having to stare at the codes on the screen and to have only the codes staring back at you is a scary feeling for me.

The good thing about the past week is that I’ve began to lighten up a bit. I was able to open up more and to talk to people at work without having this tight, uneasy, awkward feeling. Again, I would have to acknowledge that I’m not the kind of person who warms up to others in an instant. I take time to build relationships with others. Even though I’d like myself to be better at it, it backfires. I’d like to be more assertive but I’ve got to allow myself time.

Time for a Break

I made a decision to quit my job and take a break. I tendered my resignation yesterday.

I sensed a pile of burden being lift off my shoulders and a sense of peace as opposed to feeling tightness in my chest just the day before. This was one of the body warning signs I didn’t want to take lightly. I still have my trembles in the morning when I wake up but I sleep better now. I hope it gets better.

Having said that, I will still need to serve my notice period and during this time I will still do the best I can but I’ll have to make sure I do not bring work home or even think about it once it’s after office hours.

This experience has once again taught me more about myself, what I can do, what I want to do, why I’m feeling this way and how to manage things moving forward.

This would be the first time since 2006 when I quit a job without having a new job offer in hand. I was young then so it wasn’t that scary and it didn’t require too much thought as to now 8 years later, where I’m in my 30s and should be working hard for my career. I’ve not had any long breaks in between job change and it has been 8 years too.

Thinking that while I still can and can afford to, this seems to be the only long break I can give myself before I look for another job, get married and just spend the time to do the things I’ve always wanted to do.

This is the kindest decision and the best gift I’m giving myself.