Vomited in the office yesterday and I immediately left work. Felt so sleepy while driving home. Slept as soon as I got home.

Woke up and sipped water slowly. An hour later I vomited again and I know I would need to starve myself or I’ll risk throwing up again.

Woke up this morning still feeling weak. Was asking myself if I’m fit to go to work. I had wanted to but then I know I’m still not well. I reminded myself that work can wait and I must take care of my health.

Went to see the doctor and rest at home. Arranged my wardrobe and trying to make space for more clothes. Did laundry and allowed myself to watch Korean series.

It was good to just rest for a day and let the body recharge. It’s December tomorrow, we are just a month away from 2012.

Just after a month of coming back from New Zealand, I find myself flying to Australia. I wasn’t too excited about it because it was just too soon to fly again. It was not for pleasure but business and I didn’t extend my stay to go around or visit some attractions. Firstly, it wasn’t cheap, in fact, it’s more expensive than to spend in US. I wasn’t in the mood or energy to go through another round of trip or holiday planning. I planned the NZ trip and was the driver and tour guide throughout for my family. I think my family enjoyed it more than I did because I had to worry about the logistics, transportation, time, schedule, food, level of happiness, seeking feedback. I just wanted them to have a good trip and being the perfectionist that I am, I had to make sure I have to take care of everything that I can take care of to make it a happy and good trip. I’m glad that it’s over now.

I don’t mind doing it all over again though. I have one to plan in May.

I didn’t expect to do anything else but work during the week I was in Australia. So anything that happens besides work is a bonus for me. I met a friend. Met her 2 times out of the 6 days I was there. Travelled by train to the city to meet her and had her husband sending me back. Travelled to the city again the next time with the help of a colleague that I just came to know and then this time I had to travel back by train (37 minutes) by myself and it was late. Walked alone in the dark from the station to the apartment, on the quiet streets by myself. I don’t know if I was actually putting myself in danger but I walked like as though I was chased by a lion. By the time I reached my apartment, my legs and hands were sore to the brim. To save time, I just carried the laptop with me and then I bought chocolates, macadamia nuts and honey…and to top that, my friend gave me apricots and cherries.

I didn’t get to see any kangaroo or koala bear but it was good to walk around Darling Harbour, catching a glimpse of the Opera House from far, dining below the Harbour Bridge. Waking up really early, force breakfast down my throat (since it’s hard for me to eat really early in the morning), walking to the station, getting lost on my way but somehow made it because I just followed where the crowd was coming from (and I just somehow think they are coming from the station so I should just walk towards the direction where the crowd is from), taking the bus to work, being in a new environment, meeting new people, eating at a Chinese restaurant by myself for dinner on the second night, had no proper dinner on my first night as shops were already closed when I reached. The air steward talked to me when we landed at the airport. He asked if I was coming to Australia for studies and when I told him I’m on a business trip, his eyes opened a little bit bigger than it should. Watched 6.5 movies on my return flight, average 3 movies per flight. When I was on the flight back to Malaysia, you have no idea how eager and happy I was to know that I’m going to be home soon.

There is just no place like home. I mean all those people out there can complain all they want about how imperfect this place is but I cannot imagine living in another place other than home. It’s just not home, you know what I mean?

Ok…so I thought it was going to take some time before I get over what I wrote in my previous post. Surprisingly, after bawling out here and talking to Mum, I’m all good now, all cured.

I just got to remind myself to look forward and not look back.

I like it that it’s a long weekend. Spent the day talking to a friend for 4 hours. Then I went shopping by myself and bought some new clothes. Came home, watched tv (like for real) since it’s been awhile since I actually sit down and really really watch something and focus on it and enjoying the content.

Folded clothes for more than an hour…yea it’s like 3 full load of clothes unfolded and I got to do it at one go. Love it that I’ve cleared the little “mountain” that’s building up on my sofa!

I still got a lot of things I need to do but I’m not going to push myself like crazy.

My goal now is to de-stress, restore beautiful skin, be healthy and be happy.

I had a very emotional week last week. If starting anew is hard, deciding to leave is even harder. It is not my first time saying goodbye. I know I cried like shit when I quit my first job. Because it was my first job and my first time saying goodbye so it was hard for me. I can still remember how hard I was trying to suppress those tears when I shook hands with my boss then. He was the nicest boss I’ve ever worked with.

Then, I know the feeling of “can’t-wait-to-quit” so this definitely doesn’t involve tears but triumph of joy.

This time around, it’s different. It was a 50-50 thing. I love my job, I love the people I work with but there has been changes that makes things a little harder to go by each day. I wasn’t sure if I can ignore that and just go on with whatever I have been doing. Somehow along the way, an opportunity came and it didn’t come easy and I thought, why not give it a try?

Even right until I throw in the letter, I still had my doubts because I was so comfortable with where I was, I was so attached with the people I worked with. Let me tell you, it was a tough one. It still pains me writing this.

However, what happened last week reassured me that it’s ok to move on, whether or not the next place would work out for me. Of course, I can’t tell you in detail what happened but I know for my mental health and emotional well-being, I had to move on.

I wrote a farewell note of what I think was the best one I ever wrote. I don’t usually compliment myself but I really liked that note. I composed that one day ahead to make sure I don’t miss anyone, to make sure I thank people that I should thank and I didn’t want to send that in a hurry when the many things going on on my last day.

I was told that I can always come back should the new place doesn’t work out for me. Though it was a very nice gesture but I really really hope I am able to move on and do well wherever I am next.

One of the many people I’ve worked with was sad to me go and appreciated my work so much that she had deliver me a goodbye gift all the way from United States to me and I’m excited and I’m still waiting for that package to arrive. You see….these are the things that just makes it harder for me.

Another one told me if I ever move to the US, I can let them know.

Another one asked me if I was ever interested in one of the roles in the future, she could create an opening for me.

All these melts my heart and breaks at it at the same time.

Which is why…I must write this down because I do not want to forget this lovely journey that I had in this workplace, even though I had wished and I knew I had the intention to be here as long as I can but it’s just unfortunate that it didn’t turn out that way.

I didn’t have a long break before I started in the new place. The transition is hard. Firstly is because I don’t think I’ve let it go fully, I’m still holding on. Secondly, I’m very near to where I used to work so in a way it keeps reminding me of it. I keep bumping into people I know. It is nice that they are no longer my colleagues but my friends. It is a little bit uncomfortable at first, it’s just been 2 days…but I know I will come to terms with it.

The new place is kind to me so far. People are generally nice. I will be travelling soon. Job scope may not be as challenging but what I get is work/life balance, which is important for me. Maybe it’s good to slow down a bit and recover from my so-called “heartache”. Hopefully I get to have more personal time to do my own stuff and get good grades in my Korean exam next year…and I wish to continue studying as long as I can.

I have this instinct that this might be my last job in the corporate world. I don’t know why I think so but I just have this feeling. I have no idea what I’ll be doing next if this is true but it will definitely be something that I can do which allows me to have flexibility in time. I want to be in control of my time and not to have my 9-6 dominating it.

I foresee another “leap of faith”coming but I don’t know how soon or how long.

For now, what I really want to do is to move on, to let go, to store it as just memories, it is ok to feel sad, it is ok to miss the old place but I really really need to move on, to see what’s installed for me next, to be positive, to do what’s right, to do my best in whatever circumstances I’m in, to be more confident…I’ve been so lousy for a start because I’m not being fully present here. Physically I am but my heart and soul is still stuck at the old place. This is bad and this has got to change or I’ll forever be haunted and trapped in this shell of mine. Sometimes I wished I was a little cold-hearted so that I wouldn’t “feel”so many things. But knowing me and myself, I know I need time. I know what I need to do but my heart just needs time.

Helping is a good value but sometimes I get confused on if I should or shouldn’t help and how much should I help.

Last 2 weeks ago, I didn’t had a very good week. It was tough and I really needed help. The help came in different forms. Some listened to me because there wasn’t anything they could do. Some tried to do what they can to help but still the problem didn’t just go away. Some couldn’t help me. Some said words that were not pleasant to my ear. The feelings that I experienced was such a mixture that I don’t know what I was feeling anymore. And again, I am reminded that sometimes there are just things that I can only help myself with. It’s not that I’m not welcoming any help but I just think that I got to help myself to get help and if I don’t get any help, I will need to help myself in whatever way I can.

And I understand very well the feeling and the need to get help desperately and not getting it, which is why whenever I see someone who is in trouble and needs help, I will help them because I’m thinking they must be feeling what I feel what a person in need of help is feeling. But you know what? I may not be right. Some may say I shouldn’t help but there’s just something in me, the soft part in me that just can’t bear the sight or situation not to help, if it is within my means….more so in relation of the feeling of how I wanted help so badly, made me wanted to help even more. Because I don’t like the feeling of helplessness and if one less person can feel the same, I think that is great.

I helped someone last week and I know she feels like what I feel when I really need help badly and when you think no one else can help but then help came. I’m happy I helped and was able to help. I’m not thinking about how helping her would help another party who doesn’t deserve the help at all maybe…but to me, I was only thinking about helping her. I was only thinking about helping her.

Last week wasn’t an equally good week. I wouldn’t say it’s bad but it’s better than the week before but I was just super crazy. It’s like a year’s work crammed into a week. It’s going at a rate where I can’t imagine how I’m going to survive it.

This week is another super crazy week but it will also end abruptly by Friday and I know I’m going to feel lost this Friday because I’ve been too busy and I’m going to stop being busy suddenly as well and I will definitely feel many things.

I’m entering a new chapter next week and I’ve not really had the time to actually get ready or prepared for it. I don’t feel excited or nervous about it yet because I’m still busy being very busy. I guess I’m going to allow life to take its place and let it unfold the surprises for me.

I’m really glad that I’ve not gone crazy. I am very proud of myself. I am confident that I will go through this. I know I will get the form of help I still need in times to come. I’m thankful for the ability of writing things down because it indirectly helps to unload the burden off my chest.

2 more days, Gracie. Give it your best and then you can go for your facial, hair cut and I allow you to get a dress this weekend. Maybe a pair of new shoes…but I think what you really need is a boyfriend! Ha!

I spent two nights in KK after my trip from New Zealand. The day I was due to fly back to KL, my parents were with me at the airport.

My mum took the luggage bag that I was strolling and said, “Let me help you.”

I insisted that I strolled it myself but she refused. I said why and she said, “Because you are my best friend.”

“You understand me. I can pour out all my sorrows to you and you always support me.”

That’s like the most touching thing my mum has ever said lately.

After I reached KL, I called Mum and I said, “Hello, my best friend.”

Since then, whenever we call each other, we’ll start the phone conversation with “Hello, my best friend.” Sometimes I call her 어머니, mother in Korean. So it depends on what we are feeling that day.

Hello, my name is Ducky. I’m 11 years old. The last time I wrote about myself was when I was 4 years old. I’ve grown up over the years but you won’t note any difference in terms of size. I’m still the same size now as I was 7 years ago. It’s just that I’ve grown wiser. I’m a soft toy duck, what do you expect?

The last time I’ve seen my owner, Grace, in distress was when she had a breakup when she was 19 or 20. She really thinks it’s the end of the world. I could only watch helplessly as I let her hugged me while sobbing her heart out. She went through breakups after that too but she somehow managed and grew out of it.

Last week, I saw her in distress again. I think it’s the worst I’ve seen. She usually cries to bed when she’s really sad but one morning last week, she woke up and she was crying when brushing her teeth. I know it must be really tough for her to be crying while brushing her teeth. For the whole week, she goes to bed thinking about the thing that is causing her pain and she wakes up the next morning, thinking about the thing that is causing her pain. It was almost 5 days straight that she had to keep thinking about the pain. I was so afraid she will lose her mind. Again, all I could do was to watch helplessly while she thought and thought, sometimes cry a little when it gets too much. No matter how hard it got during the past week, I knew she had this slightest hope in her and the strength that she enforces upon herself to go through this challenging period.

The thing that is causing her pain hasn’t go away yet. It would take time but this week, I see that Grace is able to breathe a little and has been very very busy at work.

No matter what happens, I will be there for her, even if it means watching helplessly. She may not know this but I pray for her everyday.