A primary school classmate of mine when we were studying together during Primary 1 and 2 found me on Facebook. After Primary 3, we started to lost touch because she had moved to KK. She still remembers my Chinese name and I’m so happy she still remembers me.

I got most bookings done and itinerary planned for my trip so my stress level is reduced to a safe level now.

I need to start sleeping earlier now that the big chunk of work is done.

Tomorrow is a new start.

Night.

I’ve been staying up really really late for the past few nights to plan an itinerary from scratch, researching and referencing other itineraries I can find on the Internet, personalised and customised it to suit my family’s needs.

With a relatively short amount of time as compared to what a normal itinerary would take and that the travel date is approaching, it doubles the stress. Because I have so many places that I want to go but I cannot be that greedy because it’s just not going to fit into the short time that we have. I’m only choosing the “must-do” and “must-see” and that itself is also difficult because there are too many “must-do”and “must-see”. ARGH!!!

I’ve been going in circles for days already into which place I should go, what time it starts/end, how one activity/place connects to the other. I’ve finally completed the rough overview, with some details of the places I really want to go and which cost a bomb. But because I think I’m going there once so I might as well just spend and go.

I have 3 hotels booked already for a period of one week since we’ll be moving around to one town to another. There is another hotel that I need to book but my brains are not working anymore so I’m going to do that tomorrow. It just feels like I’ve been looking at all the hotels that are available in that city/town. Reading reviews…comparing rates. Mind-numbing. Booked two domestic flights. Booked one cave tour. Booked a half day excursion. These were tough decisions, I hesitated for a long time before hitting the “purchase” button online. My credit cards are already hitting the limit….but thank God that it’s claimable. (ha!)

I hope the weather will be fine. Not too cold.

I hope everything goes as planned.

I hope my choice of accommodation satisfies everyone in the family. It’s a tricky one…must be comfortable but cannot too expensive. If it’s just me, maybe I could just do with basic but good.

The major ones are done…so now I got to break it down in details. How long each place would take, which attractions to connect to, where to eat (oh my god..).

My Raya holidays are spent on planning and there wasn’t a single house that I visit. That is so sad. Worked one day of the three public holidays I was entitled to. Tendered my resignation..which turned out to be a little draining…so much so that I’m not really tuned in into being excited about a new phase and the change that would involved. There will be lots of answering to be done next week.

My mind is just a little tired to really feel happy or excited or sad. I’m just TIRED!!! and trying very hard to stay afloat around the many things that are happening….which is the reason why I told myself that I’m going to book everything today…hotels, flights so that I can have a peace of mind tomorrow.

It’s bedtime.

No matter how tired I feel right now, I’m still grateful for the opportunities that I have in hand. To go for this holiday and to have a better job offer.

1. I actually like my day today. Was alone most of the time after my 3-hour class in the morning. Came home and was studying Korean until now so you can say I studied Korean the whole day. Yes, I don’t know where I get the motivation, probably it’s the accumulation of guilt for not really studying for the past 2 weeks. My teacher has just asked me to write a 150 word essay, which is intimidating, really but I’m going to churn that out, maybe during the Raya holidays. She’s making me learn faster than I expect myself to. I like it though…I like the push.

2. I’ve been looking up lots of words from the dictionary and now I have a habit to search the meaning of Korean vocabulary in both Chinese and English. I’d look up the meaning in English first then Chinese, so that I get the “full” meaning of it. When I don’t get the meaning entirely in English, Chinese meaning helps. When I’m not sure what it actually means in Chinese, English helps to clear the doubt. In a way, it makes me practise my Chinese too. You know when you don’t write Chinese words for a long time, you will not remember how to write them. Now, I’ll write both English and Chinese meaning next to the Korean words.

3. I LOVE my new mechanical pencil. I also LOVE the fact that I have excuses to buy stationery now. I have a thing with stationery. I like writing with a pencil than a pen. I LOVE my eraser too. It’s black in colour, which works better than the white. I like writing on the paper or a notebook with straight lines of words, all neat and well-spaced. I like the view of it…it gives me a rush. I call this life’s simple pleasures.

4. Next week will be the beginning of the end of a phase. I have been having mixed feelings about this. My head tells me it’s time to move on, it’s right to hold on to the opportunity, it’s ok to let go, it’s ok to feel that I’m challenged out of the comfort zone, it’s ok to worry about the uncertainty. My heart tells me…why change when you are already comfortable with where you are, what you do. However, at the same time, it also tells me, things have changed and I have changed. I’m already quiet but I’m quieter because I just want to suppress those feelings for I’m afraid if I let myself express, it’ll be ugly. I pretend that everything is ok. Whatever it is, I’ve made up my mind and I’m going to go with it. I hope it will be for the best.

5. Discovered audio note on WhatsApp today when a friend sent me one. Love it and I started sending audio notes back and then started harassing my sister with funny and nonsensical audio notes.

6. Met one of my junior in high school for dinner last week. We have not met since I left school. That’s like 12 years. Learnt a few things from him. I was tired from work but I just told myself to go out and meet people, to talk to people, maybe it would help to clear my mind, just to do something that is out of my routine. And it doesn’t kill to have more friends.

7….which brings me to this point that I don’t have many friends that are older than I am. I have many younger friends. I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing. Being with younger people..makes me feel uhm…young? But sometimes I’d like to have older friends who would talk to me about serious stuff, to give me advice, to tell me about things I ought to know. They would have gone through life a bit more than me so they would be able to guide and be my mentor.

8. I really would love to own a piano one day. It’ll be white in colour. When I’m sad, happy, stressed or in despair, I’ll reach out to it and play it when words can’t help express what I’d like to say. Yea…thanks to those Korean OST that is played on piano, they just make me go crazy.

9. Bed time. Meeting a friend tomorrow. We are going to buy books.

I think I’m going to like sleep like a pig tonight. I REALLY HOPE!

I can sleep right now but I’m too full.

I also hope to resume my normal life next week. It’s been ages since I last cooked. I’m looking forward to the 3-day break but at the same time still contemplating if I should work to earn some money. Will decide on Monday…if the workload is kind to me, I’m gonna give myself a break. Else, probably work one day out of the three since the work will be waiting for me by the end of the holiday…and no one’s helping.

I want my life back.

Don’t know what’s wrong with me. Been 3 days that I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and can’t sleep well.

Too many things I’m worried about because I find myself waking up with a heavy heart, thinking either about things I have to do, things that are not solved yet, things that are pending.

I need to learn how to relax and manage stress even if it gets too overwhelming.

It’s 4am and I’m crying for no reason. I don’t mind if it helps to release some tension.

I’ve spent most of my money on flight tickets within these days. It’s not even funny.

First, there’s this KL-Seoul return ticket that I’ve bought for next year.

Then, there’s this KL-KK return ticket for 2.

Followed by, KL-Singapore return ticket.

The best part is….after buying the KL-Singapore ticket, I just realised my visit coincides with Singapore F1 Grand Prix..which means hotel rates are ridiculous. Don’t know whether to laugh or cry but I have to be there anyway F1 or not so I’m finding ways to justify my spending.

The only way I can  comfort myself is by telling myself, “Money earned is to be spent and money can be earned again.”