CNY Day 9: I’m Still on Leave

Today is a good day.

Because I am still on leave.

Because it was a productive day for me.

Because I am happy.

Usually, when I know I have a holiday, I would sleep in but not today because days like these don’t come everyday.

I woke up early, had breakfast, went to the management office to collect my new car stickers and then went to college.

I was there to collect my degree certificate. I know it sounds ridiculous, having collecting it so late but it is because it wasn’t ready at the time of the convocation and then I started working and I just didn’t really took the effort to go back to the college to collect it.

It was good to be back. I felt like a student for a moment there.

On my way to college, I saw a lorry carrying a flag that read “Hai Nan Association”. It was a lion dance lorry and the sight of it kept me happy because I didn’t expect to see one.

Then, I drove to another block of the college to pick Iris up. We made our way to Low Yatt Plaza as she wanted to get a Mp3 player. My first time driving down there and so I learned something new today. Learning a new route when I drive gives me satisfaction too.

I got a few pirated software CDs and Iris got herself a Mp4 Player. Nice.

After that, we went to the bank to deposit our ang pau money, having heard a lady commenting that there is such a long queue when the only persons queueing to update the passbooks were only me and Iris. That lady must have been blind. The bankteller even asked us where the long queue is. Iris and I giggled silently because the lady was standing next to me.

Came back home to watch “In Her Shoes.” Lovely movie.

Read. Cooked. Write. Talk. Laugh.

I think I would want to be a housewife.

“Bunny Koh! I like to go shopping with you. I enjoy the most when I’m with you.” Iris said.

She likes to call me different names from time to time. Lately, my new name is Bunny Koh. I like it though because everytime she calls me that, it sounds so dear to me.

I feel a little different today. More positive than my usual working days. I’ve planned the date to resign and I hope I’m following my plan as scheduled or else, I would never leave. I would be feeling guilty to leave the company. I would be reasoning out why I shouldn’t leave even though there isn’t any reason left for me to stay any longer, unless I like being tortured and become really depressed. I just need to not care for a while and look forward. The only reason why I’m still here is because I want to wait for the performance appraisal.

A friend asked, ” What if your appraisal is good?”

I told her, “Even if it’s good, I would still be answering calls.”

And that isn’t what I really want to do. Whether or not my next job is going to suck more than this, I still need to make my next move. Always feeling a little scared but at the same time, convincing myself that I would be okay. It’s my first job and my first time resigning soon so it’s normal to feel like it’s a big thing. I don’t really care whether or not by the day I resign, I would already have a new job. Maybe I would be lacking income if that happens but then I guess no amount of money would be able to cure the damage that has been done. I just think that I’ve pushed myself to stay longer than I should and it’s time that I start loving myself and listen to what my heart really says. I don’t want to waste my time anymore, battling with myself when I know I am capable of looking for something I enjoy doing. The grass is always greener on the other side. But what if it is really greener on the other side?

It’s comforting to know that after almost a year of handling calls, from the nicest to the ones from hell, I thought I would become a totally different person. But today, when I’m not answering any calls but just out there living, I am still me. I can be happy without the tears, the frustrations. I know I can’t be like that everyday because sometimes, you just have got to wear a different hat, put up a smiling mask even though deep down inside you are bleeding, live as though you’ve got no personal problems hogging your life. That happens when you are out there working because you would always need to appear “professional”. Likewise, when I’m with people who know me, I’m just Grace. And to know that you are still you, that’s a blessing.

Mummy called today for a few times. Teaching me how to cook the things I’ve brought over. Asking me whether I was okay.

I told her I cried last night. She told me when she saw the plane took off, her heart sank too.

“I really miss you Grace.”

Just listening to that made my heart sank again and I was holding back my tears and choked a little when I spoke. I tried to cover up as much as possible.

Sometimes, I think I should just go and act in a teary drama since I like to cry so much.