Making Decisions

I had my performance appraisal today and it came close to about 2 hours long.

To sum it up, Mr.Boss is pleased with my performance for the past one year. He kept saying, “I’m happy..I’m happy.”

I didn’t reveal my true feelings because it was kind of hard and the appraisal is designed in such a way that key objectives and criterias have to be discussed. Not deep down true emotions that you feel. So, Mr.Boss still hasn’t got a single clue that I’m not happy with what I’m doing.

I don’t really like the way I’m being measured now that they have got modern phone system, which comes with all kinds of data. I’m part of a statistics and that would be how I will be measured. I’m not really bothered about the statistics for now because I think if I do my job well, the statistics won’t go anywhere bad. If I bother too much with the statistics then it would add up to unnecessary stress.

And then, Mr.Boss said things like, “I’m happy that I have you in the new team.”, “I would have to rely on you in teaching the others…”

If I like my job and would like to see myself still being a Call Centre agent, I’d say I would have felt terribly happy if my boss were to say that to me. But when he was saying that, I appreciated the fact that he is pleased with me but inside me, I was saying, “I’m doomed…I’m doomed.” because it just made it even harder for me to leave just like that. I would feel sorry. That would be one of my weak points. I just cannot take things like that. I’ll turn soft-hearted and God knows what I’ll do next.

At the end of the appraisal, I asked him what I can do to be better. He said I’ve been performing well and there isn’t much that he would asked more from me and told me to maintain the way it is now.

“Grace, don’t be too nice. It’s driving me crazy.” He joked in the end.

“How do you maintain that way?”

“I don’t know. I think it’s just me. I do get angry but I would not show it. I would only suffer alone inside.”

“But that’s unhealthy.”

“I know. I will try not to be too nice.”

Oh man, this is one of my strength and weakness too. Like how the others would label me, “Tak ada harapan.” No hope in becoming mean.

What should I do next? I would be thinking about this for the days to come.

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