Hopping Away

Something happened and I’m feeling rather outraged about it. My whole Sunday afternoon was ruined just thinking about it. I had no mood to do anything at all. What accompanied me was tears and unnecessary confusion.

I couldn’t sleep well either because I wake up every hour. Went back to sleep to find myself waking every hour again. Woke up in the morning and I didn’t feel like going to work because I know I look ugly after all the crying and I didn’t have enough of sleep. But I thought I should just differentiate between work and personal life. And I told myself there are many customers out there that still needs to speak to me. I have to teach someone to upload files to the intranet. I cannot just walk away.

I went to brush my teeth but the tears kept flowing.

I went to work and a colleague asked why I looked like that.

“I didn’t have enough sleep.” I replied but of course the answer was more than that.

The first few calls I had, these people were frustrated and one screamed at me. I wasn’t as patient as usual having gone through what I had to go through yesterday but I tried very hard not to lose my temper because I so wanted to. I gave up and just let her scream all that she wanted.

Before lunch, Mr.Boss asked me.

“Grace, are you okay? How is it? Are there many complaints? Anyone screamed at you today?”

I told him about all the complaints like there weren’t complaints at all, as in I didn’t complained about the complaints. I was just telling him stories of what had happened, sharing him weird things that are happening which I don’t have a clue to solve it. Emails that were sent on 24 February but no one is reading it? I can’t believe that myself. How do you answer a customer who asks you if someone has read that email and responded to it? Sucks, right?

“So are you still okay?”

“I’m still okay for now.”

“But you won’t be okay for long, right?”

I laughed.

I don’t know what he’s trying to say really because it gave me a feeling like he knows I can be gone for good soon and he would understand why I would make a choice like that if one day I were to leave.

But, that one question from him, by just asking how I am doing was enough to make me feel a whole lot more better. That was what made me go through my day as bravely as I can.

Then, I discovered that two of my beloved colleagues of a different department is leaving soon. They are very smart girls. Very capable and I deal a lot with them. So, when I know they are leaving the company soon, I can’t help but to feel the impact it would have on us. But then, at the same time, I feel happy for them because I know they wouldn’t need to do what they are doing now and are capable of doing something better.

Today, I was the only one that’s sitting far away from my old team, which I’m still helping out with. My colleague would occasionally wave out to me, like they missed sitting near me. Yes, I miss them too even though they are just a few steps away.

Normally, they would just shout across their desk if they wanted to ask me something or just to express their feelings after a difficult call. Now, they would have to call me on the phone instead but I’ve been making walks over to their desks as well to become a busybody.

Came back home and I’m back to the real world again to face the thing that I’ve ignored and trying not to think about when I was at work.

I forgave someone today but I don’t really know whether it’s a right thing to do.

I pray that I’ll be fine.

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