I cannot imagine that I’ll be writing what I’ll be writing. But life is such that things do not always go our way no matter how good you’ve been, how careful you’ve been, how badly you want something.
I have been thinking of many many things at work, when I’m with nothing to do.
I’m happy to say that though I miss the old workplace, I have somehow overcome the old-office-sickness (Some people are home-sick when they are away from home, some people, like me are office-sick when they are away from their previous workplace.)
Leaving the old place has made me thought a lot. I have been thinking a lot too when I was still there, wondering how it is outside there. Now that I’m out, I’ve got a different set of thinking, which can be pretty scary.
I would feel that it would be better if I could have left earlier to pursue things that I want to do. Why? Because while most of those around me have equipped with skills and experiences, I’m only starting to find out what it is that I really want to do. Even though I think it’s late but I must tell myself that it’s still not too late. If there is a will, there is a way. And no use lamenting about the past and or the road taken, something of which I could not change now, what I can control would be the future.
Having said that and thinking a level deeper, it’s always easy to say “I should have”. Well, let’s just say I’ve got no regrets in being there as I’ve mentioned in my previous entry. It may not have equipped me with technical skills I wished I could have but it has taught me compassion, kindness and communication. There are times when I wished I could speak louder and talk more but more often than not, it doesn’t always come easy for me. This has always been my obstacle. At times, I do not know what I’m afraid of but I just hope I’ll have more courage.
Now that I’m 6 days into my new job. I don’t like what I’m doing. I don’t know if it’s only the beginning that I’ll be feeling that way but I just cannot imagine myself doing this for long. And if I can’t imagine, I don’t know how to continue. To try is fine but sometimes trying can be so hard when you are trying to do something you have no passion for.
Some would say we cannot always get to choose what we want. But I stubbornly still believe that there would always be something that we can choose from. Else, how do we find meaning in our daily lives? I don’t know how I could go on doing something I dislike and then feel happy about it or conclude to the fact that life’s like that. I stubbornly do not want to believe in that. Or am I being too idealistic?
I know I like to dream and there are many things that I want to do, which I have not put into action. It’s something like a “to do list” before I die.
So yeah, I don’t like my new job. Really shitty of me to feel that way but that’s really how I feel no matter how I would like to deny it. 🙁
I will TRY again as long as I’m still with this job until I get something which I think is suitable.
So, I say looking for a job is like looking for a boyfriend. You may want to work with a company but the company might not find you good enough. Or a company employs you but you feel that you are not compatible working there. Sometimes you love the company so much but the company doesn’t appreciate you for the time and effort you put in. That happens to relationships as well.
First love, it is supposed to be the sweetest and most memorable. My first love ain’t sweet but horrifying. I’ve always wanted my first love to last forever but that is not going to happen anymore. And it’s there and then that I learnt that life is not a bed of roses. I learn to accept disappointment. My first job is memorable. Though not exactly what I love doing but it’s really quite an experience. It’s painfully beautiful. (If you know what I mean because I can’t find an exact word to describe it.) It comes with love and it comes with hatred. And no matter how much you hate it, you still love it. What’s the word to describe that?
Looking for a boyfriend for me now is finding someone I can love for the rest of my life. Looking for a job is something like that, something I can do for long. Something in which as I go on doing, gets better, gets more interesting, able to develop both personally and professionally.
It’s also about the timing. Some job offer comes when you are already in a job and you feel guilty to quit. That happened to me. Sometimes I wished I was braver to just go out there and get what I want. There are people that you love but the time just ain’t right. Yet sometimes when the time is right and you are so ready to love, there is no one there for you to love. And I don’t mean just no one but no right one.
You are a lousy lover when the other person don’t let you love him or her. Your talent and capabilities are not fully utilised if being put in a job position that does not allow you to do so.
So sometimes to find the right one, we have to meet the wrong ones. Though it may prolong the journey but there is always something that we can learn from the mistakes and the short detour that we make.
Gah! Now I feel better.