Find the Way

“Grace, what happened? YP told me you quit your job. You free tomorrow? Can have dinner together and gossip.”

That’s my ex-colleague.

Sometimes I don’t want to tell so many people of this story of mine. Resigned for what I thought was a better job but ended up resigning because what I thought was not what I thought. But it’s hard to keep it a secret when you are asked how you’re doing, how’s work and why are you online and why are you still online at 2am, 3am?

I can only cover that far but the truth will always prevail and that one day someone will know about it too. Of course, if someone doesn’t ask me that question, I would not announce it so it’s only when I’m triggered that question that I’ll give them the answers.

Life sometimes is about that isn’t it? Asking questions. Answering them. It’s easy to ask questions but the challenging part lies in answering them. And it’s about solving problems too. Big and small.

So.., since I hate to lie and would not like to remember what I told who, unless I hate that person so much, I don’t want him/her to know any single thing about me then maybe. But so far, I’ve been telling others my current situation as it is.

And when I told one of them a few days ago, the news spreaded fast. That is why I got the above SMS today. I was laughing when reading it.

Are you afraid of what others think of you? Of the certain decisions you’ve made that you think wouldn’t make sense to others? I used to care about that a lot. Like how I must make sure when I’m in a relationship, it must be long and everlasting. For if it doesn’t last then I may be seen as incapable of loving someone or that I’m just not good enough.

And when it comes to working, I used to want to work in a place for long. Because if I don’t, I may be seen as incapable of working and that I give up easily. But then I’ve learnt that when things don’t go the way you expect it to be, it’s not always or solely about your fault. What matters most is you know you’ve tried your best. That itself is enough to answer any doubts within you.

I’ve learnt to listen to the inner voice than to think of what other would think. Because if I were to listen to what others would think, I don’t think I would be able to satisfy everyone and do something in which most will agree with. And even if I did, it is them I have please but not myself. It’s easier said than done because I’m the kind of person who cares a lot about what others think. I really do. And I’m learning not to care so much.

I have difficulties of letting go. I always try to my maximum possible before I let go. I would try to love until it pains so much till I find no space in my heart to continue. And if once I’ve decided to let go, there’s no turning back. No matter what you may say. You can call me stubborn. So, I would never go back to unfold a relationship that has ended in the past despite how tempting it is.

One must look forward. And if the past is too poignant to let go off, reminiscing is fine. A closed chapter will remain a closed chapter.

I don’t know how to continue writing this because ilhamku dah melayang tiba-tiba. So, we’ll talk about something else.

I’m going to accompany Iris for an interview tomorrow. For a university. She’s going to give her shot in this and stand a chance to be offered a place. I’ll be there too for that extra boost and support. Wish her luck, okay?/

Which was why we drove to KL City today in search for that building so that we know how to get there tomorrow. I am not confident driving around the city because I’m not familiar with the roads there. And I just simply drove there to find the way. And we managed to find it. “Find The Way” is a song by Mika Nakashima. (Tengok sebelah atas, sebelah kanan, tekan play). A song I know some time ago but today I thought about it again after watching Nana, starring Mika itself. A Japanese movie. I like.

Good night.

Hope you get to find your way too.

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