Read Only If You Like Rants

It’s 10:46 and no one is talking to me. And before I turn gugu, I shall write.

I just got back from dinner about 15 minutes ago and I wished I wasn’t there. I wanted to spend an evening with Pappy because he’s flying off to some place tomorrow. Not knowing that he had his friends with him, I went. And he had his drinking friends with him.

The rain didn’t help either or I could have just walked home. Too bad, I didn’t have an umbrella with me so walking home wasn’t an available option anymore. So, I had to sit from 7:30 to 10:30, without speaking a word, listening to all the beer talks. Yea, they can get very funny but more often than not, they love to argue. Pappy can be the best arguer ever and there were moments in which I had wanted to speak but if I were to speak, I don’t think my dad would be very happy because sometimes I’m not on his side. So, I didn’t say anything.

Now I feel like crying and I don’t know why.

And because I want to move on with a better day tomorrow, I want to write something that has been caged in my mind for a while now.

When you find that things are not right, would you consult or inform or discuss it with your senior at work or would you just hope it disappear in thin air because you are new and you are a super-duper junior?

I used to work in an environment where ideas are always welcomed, corrections are welcomed to be directed to your boss (who encourages it so much and would feel happy when corrected), where voices must be heard, where you must defend for yourself, where juniors bombarded me with questions and I had to answer them or find out what the answers are to the things that they asked which I don’t know, where I had to listen to what everyone has got to say, where everyone would just speak their mind. For if you don’t, you would drown.

Then, it was a short experience in another environment where people spoke their mind but very crudely. And it was so unlucky for me that the boss told me that he had been counting the days to see when I would resign. Maybe he was just joking but I didn’t like what he said. He would never hesitate to “express” his feelings when he’s annoyed or angry by saying vulgar words, in English, in Mandarin, in Cantonese, whatever suits his mood during meetings. I seriously cannot work with people like that. It’s okay if you swear in mamak stalls, I would laugh with you but not at work. A place where I wanted to voice out but was unable to because I was still new and I didn’t know how to answer when asked. Sometimes I didn’t have a choice because from what I can see, most of the people are not happy working. It’s not harmonious so I was made to listen to their grouses whether or not they know me, just as long as I stood next to their computer, trying to fix the problems they have with the computer. The next minute you bump into them again, they act like they don’t know you, never spoken to you. Shit! I HATE repairing computers and I HATE being asked why the printer IS NOT printing. I DON’T KNOW. That resignation was the best one, the best decision I’ve ever made, the most gaya one of all!

So from all of that and now I’m here in a whole new environment, it’s totally different. After moving about 3 times, I can conclude that each place has got its own working culture. For if I were only to be in one place, I wouldn’t know what cultures there are outside. Of course, there is much adapting to be done because by adapting sooner, you would be able focus better. Adapting can be both hard and easy, depending on the environment, the people and your personality.

I have to mellow down a little here which is such a big contrast with the first working environment I’ve experienced. The job is not as tough as the first one. Yeah, to my surprise because I wouldn’t need to deal with people all the time, maybe that’s why. I used to be struggling to have my voice heard since I’m not talkative nor very outspoken and I would only speak when I’m very sure of the subject matter or I feel justice is not done. And because everyone around me was so different than me, I had to try to at least speak up.

Here, applying the same thing doesn’t seem to be a wise thing to do because I know certain individuals who do not like to be corrected even though I have my correct points and that it is not encouraged to try to your ultimate best to get things working when it’s not working in the first place. Certain individuals prefer you to ask them every single question and every single step before you proceed. And because I’m the kind who would try to make things out and try to think of a way to solve problem, now I have to tell myself to act stupid. Act bodoh because then people would be happy.

Sometimes, I’m very confused you know? Of how I should really carry myself.

Whatever it is, I am still happy. Little things like that will not affect me. Maybe for a while lah, when I’m trying to adapt to it but once I get tuned to the style of different people, I will be very okay. If people want it their way, I’ll do it their way. I’m very flexible one and I think I’m the kind who will always try to accommodate others than having others accommodating me. It’s like stuck in me already because I want others to be happy, others to approve of me (yes, sometimes I want people to like me.) so it’s okay if sometimes I get hurt or sad. But of course, not too much of it, then I’d be a totally different person altogether. For as far as I can accommodate, I would do it no matter how hard.
I should be thankful to be close to what I’ve wanted to do (I’m not exactly there yet but this is good enough for now). I have a very good friend at work whom I can talk to. I learnt two Chinese words from her today. I have someone new who joined us for lunch today and I don’t know why she asked me to get her Maxis top-up card and sweets for her when I went out to tapao. But I gladly did it for her.

It’s 11:57. It took me 77 minutes to write this one piece and you would only take less than 5 minutes to read it. So not fair!

Good night and I will have a better day tomorrow. You would to! Just remember all the happy things, remember the last time someone said you are pretty, and someone wished me hello and good morning today (i don’t know him at all and he doesn’t know me. he was smoking, I just got out of the car.) and that for each struggle you face, it means you are given an opportunity to learn how to deal with different people in different situations.

Oh man, I’ve got so much more to learn.