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I Need to Vent

I’ve been wanting to write for so many days. Write as in write whatever that I’m feeling or thinking but what I’m going to write isn’t really what I really like to write about. So, I’ve tried to refrain from typing it when the anger and sadness consumed me. But I guess I need to jot this down, acknowledge what’s really happening and then move on.

For the last two days, I wasn’t really having a good time with Mum. Well, you could say it’s more than just the past two days because sometimes when she starts with her whole nagging thing, I’ll turn sulky, moody and at times with tears streaming down my cheeks when she’s asleep and I’m alone.

She called me stupid two nights ago and I was sad and angry. I never like the word “stupid” to be thrown at my face and certainly not from my mum. I think the word “stupid” is very damaging even though the other party that utters it may think it’s not much of a big deal to say that word to someone.

Usually, I’ll just listen and absorb everything that my mum says. But that night I just couldn’t remain calm. I talked back. Of course, mum always would find the last word to say, even if it means giving me lame excuses. And because I didn’t want it to continue and become a never-ending argument, I let her have her say and many last say even though I wasn’t agreeing to what she said.

The next morning, just after I woke up, after brushing my teeth and all, I went back to the room to continue with my daily facial ritual. Then Mum shouted my name and I asked her what it is. She never replied what she wanted…but when I came out of the room seconds later, she was starting to lose her temper, asking me why I’m not in the kitchen, drinking the drink she’s made for me.

Hello? Am I supposed to read her mind by just her calling my name?

And with that, I talked back again asking her what’s wrong with her, making such a big fuss early in the morning.

Of course, she didn’t like it and she started her lecture thingy again, saying things like I don’t appreciate the things that she does for me.

Sometimes I find it so hard to talk to mum because sometimes it just seems that she’ll never understand. Sometimes I don’t think it’s too hard to understand what I would want her to know, how I feel and what I think. I think it’s just plain ignorance from her side where she think she’s always right and I’m always wrong. And why I say it’s so hard to talk to her is because she already has this set mindset and she’s not going to change the mindset or at least listen to what I’ve got to say and try to understand how I feel. So, sometimes I choose not to tell her things that matter a lot to me because I know there’s going to be a clash of opinions.

I wish so much that I could tell mum how much I like this guy but I can’t do that yet. Not now and I’m not sure if there’s going to be a time when I can tell her that and she would be really happy for me. Breaking the news to my parents about a guy in my life has always been a very scary and stressful thing for me. My dad wouldn’t really comment much and I think he’s a lot more understanding than mum. My mum, she thinks a lot. If she spots one thing that she doesn’t like about the guy I like, she’s going to take that little flaw and remind me of it everytime. That isn’t very enjoyable. I don’t know what’s her point of reminding of the things she’s not pleased with someone, things which I’m actually okay with. It’s not like he’s a criminal, takes drugs and kills people.

In one way or another, I’ve always felt that I’m never really going to please my mum because I’m never going to find a perfect guy to her definition. And if you’d feel like knocking my head, I feel that my mum is going to find a flaw in a perfect guy anyway…which is why I said now..I wouldn’t tell mum lots of stuff. Sometimes, I just keep them to myself.

Things are a little better today. Knowing that I could have another row with my mum again because that’s just part and parcel of life, I’m just trying to forget about it now.

Things that I did with my mum today: Watched Astro Sports to see Lee Chong Wei playing against Taufik Hidayat at the Japan Open. Had fish slice noodles at SS20 (It is very nice!). Went to the pasar malam. Went to the park to jog. Washed the car. Had dinner.

And now, I want to continue reading “I Am Muslim” by Dina Zaman. It is a very interesting book.

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