Gracie, Go to Bed

It is almost 4 in the morning and I’m awake. I actually went to bed at 11 but I woke up at around 2…as the air conditioning isn’t functioning well. It’s cold in a while, hot the next while.

Turned on the lights and thought of what to do. After much tossing and turning on the bed, I called Iris. It’s late here but just nice for me to call her over there. Talked for like 45 minutes. One of the longest calls I’ve made with her. Don’t know how much that would cost but I don’t call her very often so it’s alright.

Tomorrow’s the weekend, or you can say now since it’s 4am. But I’m not feeling excited or very happy. I would look forward to the weekends during the weekdays and when I’m at work but then when it really comes to the weekend, I sort of dread it sometimes. I don’t know what is wrong with me but this has got to change.

I don’t think he will be free this weekend. Don’t want to be hopeful and to expect anything because when I do and we don’t get to spend time together, I feel very lousy. One thing I like about falling in love during school/college days is that you have more time to be together, to do things together, to go somewhere together or just being together. Once you start working, you devote most of your time to work. He devotes even more time at work than me. I don’t know how he does it. He is always tired and I’m a bit worried that he’ll fall sick (he does, here and there, minor flu, cough, fever). I don’t think it’s good for his health in the long run. But he hasn’t got a choice, he needs the money. Being with him has taught me something, that life is not easy and that you cannot and mustn’t rely on man entirely. I guess you got to rely on yourself more than anyone else because at times no one can help you but you.

Some of my colleagues assume I’m single because I don’t talk about him much. For example, they’d ask me what I did over the weekend and I don’t always say I spend time with the boyfriend so they would assume I have none. And I’m not the kind who would go around, telling everyone that I’ve goy a boyfriend (except here..but then I’m not telling everyone, it’s just those who reads me that knows about it) so if people don’t ask, I won’t tell.

The girls sitting around me at work are all taken. Not married but staying together with their guys. Their guys send them and pick them up from work. They eat together everyday and so on. Sometimes, it makes me look very odd but I know I’m not really that odd, it’s just that the situation makes me look so. I don’t want to let the oddness sink in.

Yesterday I went with a few colleagues to a colleague’s open house. The colleague whom I car pool with came with me. He comes with me everywhere that I go during lunch or if there’s anything after work. I’m the driver and he doesn’t have a car so he’s got no choice but to come with me. It’s okay with me actually, at least I have company during my long drive home. We went to our colleague’s house in Kinrara and it was drizzling. After we got down from the car, he opened up his umbrella and walked beside me. I have my own umbrella in my car but I thought it’s not a heavy rain and that I already have an umbrella above me so no need for another umbrella. I think it’s just a kind gesture, a normal one a guy would do or just any person would. I mean..if he didn’t share that umbrella with me, I would have called him a bastard.

My colleague actually teased me when she saw us walking together.

“Eh, macam boyfriend dan girlfriend ni.”

Nak pengsan aku. I somehow felt this coming. I don’t know whether the others in the office would think we are a couple since I go to work with him, I leave the office with him and so forth. But I don’t want to happen lor, okay?

I just want to be with my guy even though judging with the current situation, it’s gonna be hard. He’s going outstation for work for a minimum of one month, maximum I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t know why I want to love him because this path with him isn’t going to be a rosy and easy one. It is going to be very challenging. But there’s just something about him that makes my heart skip a beat, makes my eyes lighten up when I see his name appearing on my mobile phone screen. They are little things…but little things matters very much. Cannot be seen with the eyes by normal people, only can be sen by abnormal people like me.

You see, when I’m bored and lonely, I have all this stupid things juggling in my head. Why do I love him? Are we going to be okay? What if it’s not going to be okay? Am I crazy? Am I normal? How?

And as always, I would never have an answer to the questions above. Nothing is guaranteed and that’s life as it is.

One reply on “Gracie, Go to Bed”

Hmmm when reading your hambao entry, I feel like singing Fergie’s. So, big girl doesn’t cry k. Oh well, I also shared this kind of lousy feeling.. just that he has to solve so much of his problems and has as if no time for each other. Hmmm… bian tai feeling I say 😕 but you still love him.. Karen Mok’s interluded “Ai.. shi zhe mo ren de dong xi..”

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