Sakit Kepala Aku

For the past few days, I have been staring at the mobile phone, occasionally switching tabs to my email account on Internet Explorer. Any calls or new emails that I get may change my life forever. Okay, I’m exaggerating. But yes, when you hope for something so much, you stare at the mailbox longer than you usually do and when the phone rings and shows an unknown number, your head tells you opportunity is knocking at your door.

Perhaps after my first job as a call centre agent, this could be the period where I’m talking to more strangers than I usually do. I like it though because it feels like I haven’t really been speaking for a very long time.

After rejecting the job offer that I got, I received a call from the company the next morning, asking me why I declined the offer. The phone call came unexpectedly and I was thinking someone else was calling me for an interview. So when I heard the voice on the other end, I could somehow recognize who he was.

I must say it wasn’t an easy conversation, considering the fact that I’ve never felt so bad rejecting an offer, more so after the phone conversation ended. At first, some misunderstanding about the working hours was cleared when I mentioned why I didn’t think the job suits me. Then, it seemed to be not an issue anymore but then I needed more time to think over it.

Then, he asked me of what I’m really looking for in a job and I paused for a while because that is also something that I’ve been thinking of but my answer seems to change all the time. He was trying to persuade me to take the job and he said one line that just doesn’t seem to go away from my head, “I think you are a great person.”…and that he hoped I’ll join the company.

I just died.

One of my weaknesses is I have a soft spot for people who are nice. And when they say killer lines like that, it makes me think. And it made me think even more when you know the person calling you is of the highest management level. No one from that level has ever spoken to me like that before and I just felt … You see I can’t even find a word to describe it.

..which is why I feel so bad.

But I cannot just accept the job just because someone persuades me. I must think of what I really want to do and whether this is what I really want to do.

Now, let us just go back a little to my history of job-hunting. When I was in my first job, in customer service in the shipping line, it was hard for me to switch back into IT. Maybe it wasn’t really that hard but that was what I felt and I still remember a recruitment agent who told me the company didn’t think I was suitable I didn’t have at least one year of working experience..even though I have already been working for more than a year by then. What they were looking for was 1 year of IT working experience. It was sad really but I didn’t give up just yet because that was what I had set myself to do, to get back into the IT career path.

I grabbed the first offer that came along, not considering long enough if I really could do this. I ended up hating what I do and quit in less than a month. Another offer came a few months after that, it wasn’t the most fantastic job..but it’s fine and I was comfortable. I’m still working where I am working now in spite of the distance. While many would cringed at the thought of it, I stayed on and got used to the distance. There was a period where I thought I had to look for something which I could learn more on the job, to find something more challenging when I realize this isn’t going to bring me very far.
However, I stayed on a little longer because the desire to change a job wasn’t strong. Do you know that you need a burning desire when you hunt for a job? At least for me. Then, I’d really focus on looking for a job. Making sure my resume is in spick-and-span, making sure I prepare well for the interview (when I totally blew my first interview during this recent job hunt) and mentally preparing myself for it.

I would say the trigger to the hidden desire to look for a better opportunity was during my visit to the career fair. It opened my eyes again to the bountiful job opportunities and areas that I could explore in and I really felt so small. There are so much to learn out there and I feel that I’m not exposed enough.

Without really refraining myself but maybe striking off jobs that I know I wouldn’t enjoy pursuing, I tried to apply for jobs that I think I could venture into. And so far, I’ve attended 4 interviews with varied job scope, namely designing, software testing and IT auditing. Now, I’ve got one 2nd interview, one 1st interview and waiting for a reply for a position.

Because this job offer came so fast, faster than I ever expected, it puts me into a headache mode, because I’m waiting to attend the other interviews and then compare and choose the one I think would provide me the opportunity to grow in a longer term. I could have just took up this first offer I’m getting right now if at the same time, I do not have any other interviews or waiting for other replies. But because I know I still have options, that’s why I don’t feel like jumping into conclusion.

It may be good or bad. Maybe when I miss this first offer, I don’t even get offers for interviews that I’m going to attend. Then maybe I’ll kill myself or something. (I know I won’t but it’s just an expression.) But it could also be, I may get something that is better or something that I’d love doing or something that could allow me to build my career on. I’m just trying to chart my career path as best as I can.

Writing this down and spilling it out makes me feel a little better now. Sometimes after answering a phone call, my mind goes jammed, I think and think and I just can’t concentrate on my work. I’ve also been driving with my mind still thinking about the same thing. I wake up thinking about it the first thing in the morning and before I go to bed. Sometimes I even dream of it. And I think I’m going crazy soon for making myself think too much.

I can only say job hunting is a mind torturing process.

One response to “Sakit Kepala Aku”

  1. yes indeed it is.. i have been through the torturous processes like u did.. a thousand what-if ran through my mind. what if i regret taking it? (or not taking it).. what if i dun like? what if bla-bla-bla?
    so someitmes, i just refrained myself from applying a job that i dont want that badly. coz i didnt want to put myself under that ordeal again.
    my friends faced them too, so each time, we would go through it together, giving opinion and trying to work out.. it’s tough..
    for uncertain people like us. not really knowing what we really want and not sure what is good for us..
    but i always remind myself (if i want the job more than 50%) that “you never try, you never know”..
    if i dun like the job so much, “there’s plenty of job out there waiting for me”
    sorry, babbling too much 😛

    cbenc12’s last blog post..Hanoi, The People & Culture~

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