Had a very tiring Saturday. A high school of mine got married and I was there to become her “jimui” along with 6 other ex-classmates. I even brought Mummy along to the wedding dinner as the bride insisted that I bring her along since there’s extra seats. After which, we dropped by a cafe near Kepong Baru to have another round of drink and chit-chat. I’ve not had late nights like this for quite some time so it’s nice.
Seeing friends of mine getting married would somehow make me feel like tying a knot too. But sometimes, I don’t feel like I want to get married. I guess it’s hard seeing myself getting married when things seem to be far reached. I believe whatever that needs to take place will take place subsequently but all I want to do now is focus on my job-hunting process.
Had lunch at One Utama today with mum. Supposed to attend a wedding dinner tonight but the wedding invitation card never came. My friend had told me she would pass it to me 2 weeks ago..and then last week..but it just never came. I don’t know what happened really. But since it’s mother’s day. It was best spent with Mummy.
Bought her something she like last week so today I just wrote her a card, which I tried to stop myself from crying when writing it because my friends stayed overnight after the wedding dinner so I didn’t want anyone to see me cry.
Even when I wished her “Happy Mother’s Day”, I had to whisper to her in the kitchen. 🙂
I passed the card to her when my friends left.
“Mee, I got a card for you.”
“Got card ah?”
“I didn’t dare to give it to you just now.”
“Because I’m shy.”
When Mummy opened the card to read it, I was feeling so uneasy, still feeling so shy lah.
Then she said thank you and I then lied on her with a pillow separating my face and her body. Tears started to drip. Oh man! But I had to cover it also, allowing it to sip through the pillow and then forced myself to stop crying.
I still feel like crying right now. Oh God! I’m just extra emotional lately. I’m still thinking about the job I wish I could have but also preparing myself for the worst, that is if I don’t get the job. Sometimes it is meant to be, sometimes it is not meant to be so I will have to deal with it, whatever the outcome is.
Mummy has been listening to all my craps and I think I did shift some of the worries and pressure on her. When I worry, she worries too. But I just had to tell lah, because I think she would worry more seeing me keeping to myself and showing my crumpled face. That’s why I need a boyfriend that will always be willing to lend his ears to me. The current one has ears but he just has got no time to even lend it to me. And I don’t want to talk about him now.
Mummy also stayed back to accompany me during this interview period. She could have just gone back to Sandakan, yamcha with her friends, go for dancing lessons and all but she has to stay here, cook for me, help me clean the house and listen to my worries and problems. Sometimes I feel bad lor. Now you know why I feel like crying.
I’ve got 2 interviews to attend tomorrow. 1 is a 2nd interview which would ultimately decide if I get the job or not. I hope there is no 3rd interview because I’m already very stressed out. The other is a first interview which I’m not very sure of the route and traffic condition so it’s going to be another adventure tomorrow.
Another reason of why I think I’m so stressed out is because sometimes I just am not confident. Looking at my experience and working history and comparing it with the job requirements, macam not entirely matching pun, which is why I’m scared of not being able to do a good job. But then I know I will be able to do it, if I learn on the job and training/guidance is provided. But before that, you’ll be nervous about not being able to convince the employer since you don’t fulfil whatever skills and requirements listed and thus not landing yourself that job because I’m not the kind of person who brags about being able to do things which I don’t know how to do.
I think I’ve gone through this from the beginnning of my job search and finally I am to able to pen it down in words of what is really bothering me. So when you are able to find out the exact root cause of me being a complete pain in the ass in these few weeks, I think it helps to clear the mind a little.
And this is also why I wish I get that job so that I would be able to build my skills and gain experience and it will be much more easier for me to carry myself around as I venture further. I just need that one opportunity to allow me to walk down that path. Then maybe, when I look for job the next time around, I will be more confident and will be proud of the skills that I have which would help me achieve more.
To all the people who are attending interviews too, I wish you good luck!