- I’ve got a lot to write but I’ve got no time since I have been waking up earlier than usual and sleeping earlier than usual as a result of that.
- So let’s do the numbering entry. Ready, get set. Go!
- Taking the LRT today was a disaster. I was lucky enough to get a parking at the station. That is actually one of my nightmares. I often wonder how early people drive to get a parking at the station. I have been getting there earlier as compared to yesterday but I think I have to be earlier than today because it’s just not early enough when you get to the station even though the clock shows it’s still early.
- Okay, back to taking the LRT is a disaster today. There was technical error or something like that with the track system from Setiawangsa to Gombak which affected the whole track. When I queued up, it wasn’t so bad. Saw one train left but I managed to get on to the next. I was worried because they keep announcing that they will be delay and it will take up more than an hour before it is being rectified.
- I feel for those commuters who are getting on the LRT on the stations ahead because trust me, it’s like an impossible feat. Ask me to travel like that everyday to work, I don’t know if I’d ever survive. I do not mind taking the LRT but I’m just scared of travelling during peak hours. It’s just…WOW
- Yesterday it was nice though it was crowded in the LRT. A guy was talking aloud…I don’t know who he was talking to since half the time no one actually responded. When he got off the LRT, he said, “Have a great day all. REMEMBER TO SMILE!”
- How can you not smile upon hearing that?
- Funnily, not everyone smiled.
- Maybe it’s really stressful taking the LRT?
- But I did…and the guy standing next to me was also smiling when our eyes met.
- But he is taken.
- Because a girl who got off earlier than him was touching his face before that.
- Today, it wasn’t nice because a guy was standing so close to me. Our butts met.
- I know it’s unavoidable but…our butts met, you know? It’s like…why must our butts meet?
- The reason why I’ve been taking the LRT is because I am attending training in the city centre.
- I’ve got new friends. A malay girl who sat next to me and an Indian girl who sat to my right.
- I’ve been lunching with the Malay girl. I love myself for initiating a conversation with her. I think I’m getting better at this. Making the first move. I also talked to another new colleague who joined me for training and though it didn’t last long, I’m glad I made the first move.
- I like my new friends though I don’t know if I’ll ever meet them again.
- I scraped the rims of my front tyre while I was parking…in the name of rush. *sigh*
- I performed C-section on my soft toy duck, Bebeki. Remember which one?
- Apparently, there’s some bugs growing inside its stomach. I know it’s hard to comprehend this but just imagine it okay? There’s this aromatherapy or dried flower thing in its tummy that I can microwave and put it into its tummy and when I hug the toy, it gives me a warm feeling. But because I’ve got no microwave at home and I’ve not heated that thing even once…maybe that’s whole the bugs came alive.
- I didn’t realise it until last night when I switched off the lights and jumped right on to the bed and then got bitten.
- If I was too exhausted, I don’t think I’d even bother.
- But I felt something wasn’t right so I woke up, switched on the lights and inspected my beds.
- I thought I grew fleas on my body…there were little black creatures crawling on my bed!!!!!!!!
- Inspected every inch of the pillow, pillow case, bed sheet, mattress, blanket, towel, DUCKY but I cannot find any trace to the bugs…until I saw Bebeki and I decided to strip open its stomach to check.
- Lo and behold!! There were a few bugs in there but I cannot imagine how many there are inside. I put Bebeki in a plastic bag, tied it and went to bed. Bug finding…is for tomorrow (which is today). I’M TIRED.
- Bebeki is lying on the sofa now…remained unstitched. Poor Bebeki.
- I think that’s about it for today, yesterday and the day before yesterday.
- Oh..I actually saw two men fighting. A man rushed out of his car,,ran towards another car. Scolded and asked questions. Man from car came out with a bloody STEERING LOCK, followed by a woman, maybe his wife, who I believed her intention was to stop any bloodshed. I mean…why must someone take a steering loud even when one is in anger. It’s just not right lah. And he’s SO OLD LAH.
- I was stunned, just standing by the roadside with my mum because we were on our way to the pasar malam when the guys started making a scene. The guys starting shouting and trying to grab each other while the woman was trying to stop them. Screaming and more screams. Another lady who was in the car of the first man who came out, kept sounding the horn and waving to others for help. If I were a guy, maybe. But I don’t know how to help in situations like that…just thinking about the steering lock is enough right?
- That’s why sometimes even though I meet stupid drivers. I just close one eye if I can. You don’t know when you’ll meet road bullies like that. They cannot stand being corrected, what more having their mistakes pointed out.
- I once scolded my dad who kept staring at the car behind me. Trust me, I think he had the urge to show his middle finger too should I have not uttered a sound. The light was yellow then red. I couldn’t have possibly beat the red light but the car behind me kept sounding the horn. I mean I was mad lah. Cannot see it’s red kah? But I will never use the middle finger or do something funny lah.
- Because I’m a lady driver and I drive alone sometimes.
- Enough said.
- I need to go to bed.
- LRT, please don’t die on me tomorrow.
- Thank you.
and it wasn’t scary at all. The male nurse was very good. He initially wanted to take blood from my left hand but my veins weren’t visible. It was there but it seemed vague. So, he tried with my right hand and I wasn’t looking at the the needle. Felt something like an ant bite and I was still thinking he was still searching for the blood vein. When I decided to peek, the needle was half filled with dark red blood.
So it was painless. Very good.
Had my urine test. ECG. Ultrasound.
Ultrasound was okay…nothing wrong with the organs that they checked on.
Now I’ve got to wait the results for my blood test. A bit scary but hmm…it’s like that lah.
It has been a month. How time flies and this time I’m going to have my first “full” paycheque of this new job of mine. The last time I got paid, it was only a week’s pay since I joined at the end of the month. That was easy money earned. 🙂
This time around, it is a little harder and it will get even harder next month. But so far, I don’t have any major complaints.
Now, I really would have to learn to talk. There is more talking to be done here. Meetings, etc. It is very different from the previous job where talking was minimal. I love the way how some of them speak, with such good spoken English. Listen also will feel syok.
Well, this was what I was hoping for. A job where I’ll be required to talk more. So this time I’ll get to practise it.
Don’t worry about the post last night. I’m all cured already … until the next time it happens again. Tomorrow is Friday and Saturday is blood test day. It’s going to be my first. It was a sign, I tell you. I was thinking about doing it but just thinking and not doing anything about it until the other day, they were doing a promotion in a shopping mall and I just signed up. Doctor/Nurse, please be kind on me. And I hope I’m healthy.
After the drama I had last night, I went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet bowl and cried. Then, I walked out from the bathroom after bathing, went straight to the bedroom and sleep. I didn’t wish my mum good night or told her I am going to bed because I was still fuming. Going to bed angry is obviously not a good choice because I couldn’t sleep!
On top of that, suddenly I miss him.
Yea, sometimes it just comes and hit you just like that.
Thinking that I hate him so much, there’s still some reserved feelings for him. I don’t know how that can happen. I mean I can list down all the bad things he’s done to me and yet after I’ve acknowledged all of them. I can still afford to be cool about it.
I felt the need to pray for him so I clasped my hand, talked to God and ended it with an amen. I’m no Christian but I learnt this during Sunday School when I was still a little girl and it has been like that. I’d pray when I’m really sad or in dire need of direction. I remembered I prayed at the kitchen door, looking to the sky, sobbing and praying when I was very very small. I don’t know why I was so dramatic then also. And now also very dramatic.
I really miss him. Really. So much so that I was hugging on to Ducky so tightly, imagining that Ducky is him. Just wanted the feeling to go away as I suffocate Ducky. (Ducky is a soft toy duck, so she won’t die. Thanks.)
So I ended reading magazine in the room and I actually took a bag and block the door so that it is dark and I didn’t want Mummy to know I switched on the lights after switching them off. I wanted her to think that I was really asleep.
This morning I woke up to find out that I forgot to switch off the computer last night. And while I was closing Windows Live Messenger without my contact lens, I saw a chat window from him. He sent me a nudge followed by a few lines of messages. Totally unexpected of him to do that. Timestamp: 2:23am.
It wrote, “I do love you very much girl. Nvm, hopefully you’ll understand one day.”
All of a sudden, I feel like I’m trapped in a TVB series or Korean series where I’m one of the main actress of a love story and I could either end up happily ever after or end up in the saddest love story of all.
Even though he’s not my first boyfriend but he was the first person I actually fell in love with. How is that possible? Well, that kind of feeling comes hitting you as well and there is no way stopping it. The first boyfriend that I had was more to, he confessed, I think he’s okay, we got into a relationship and I feel and think that I’m in love. Let’s just say I just wanted to feel what it’s like to be someone’s girlfriend and to be in a relationship. You could also say it’s due to slight peer pressure. You could also say it’s puppy love and you could also say it was one part of life that I had to go through. And I can tell you the me then was naive and stupid to a certain extent. It’s okay to be stupid when you’re young.
When I knew I have already fallen with him, I said to myself and I can still remember it so clearly because it’s some sort of a defining moment in life. I said, “He is the one…if he’s not naughty.” He isn’t the kind who love studying while I love studying. I’ve never skipped a class but it was him that taught me how to skip a class. But I only skip once lah. I feel guilty skipping classes.
I found it very exciting to be with him because I get to do things I don’t normally get to do. I come from a very strict family, at least during the early years of my life. Now I think my parents are a bit lenient and allows me to do most things. So when you are restricted and when you get the freedom to things when you leave home to study at a new place, you get that sense of thrill. He introduced that kind of thrill to me. Going out late to the mamak is a kind of thrill to me then because I didn’t get to do that while I was back home.
It was a dangerous period also because I mean if I didn’t know how to think wisely, I would have changed to a different person altogether. Maybe I’ll be skipping classes forever.
So you see, I like bad guys. I hate to admit this but i think that was one of the reasons I fell so deeply in love with him then.
Now I would say, “He is the one…if only he had the time”.
Part of me wants to continue lingering with whatever leftover feelings I have. I can choose to wait for that “one day”. Part of me wants to get over it and hopes so much the missing feeling doesn’t come revisiting me anymore. And that I should start falling in love with good guys.
Well, he isn’t all bad (see how I’m protecting him?). He just has got a complicated family background which makes him complicated as well. He’s knocking his way through life, in terms of career and everything else. If I think my life is hard, wait till I see his. And life with him, is going to be hard too.
I don’t know why he’s doing what he’s doing now but I guess he has his own reasons which I may not be able to comprehend. Whether or not, we will make it in the end, I guess it’s not my call to decide. I’m not going to waste my life, waiting for him. I may do it unconsciously, like how I realised I’m still missing him when I think I’ve gotten over him. I will continue to live life as I ought to, whether or not the missing feeling comes back. I will treasure my family and friends. I will love myself. I will not force myself to forget about him. I mean how could you ever forget someone you’ve loved before?
I don’t know what else I can do so I think this is what I can do best for myself. I know he needs time off. He can have it and he’s having it. I will take it as my time-off to do some soul-searching and self-discovery. The problem with me is I’m not firm enough. If I’m a little more hard-hearted, I think I wouldn’t have so many heartaches and sobbing to do. But I’ve been made the way I’ve been made to be. I have this heart that can be so soft towards certain people that I allow them to do whatever they want with it.
This entry is leading me nowhere. Let’s just put a full stop here for now.
Sorry but I’ve got to rant.
My mood is actually quite chirpy like I was excited and was parading to mum the new clothes that I bought which I thought was nice. Well, if it wasn’t nice I wouldn’t have bought it in the first place, right?
Then, the comments started flowing in. I looked thin. I looked old. Nothing that I wore actually looked right. My favourite skirt that I’ve been wearing suddenly got a judgment today that it’s horrible. I mean..I don’t know what is nice anymore.
Every time I put on my shoes, this white shoes that my colleague commented just the day before that it’s pretty, my mum would say I’M ALWAYS WEARING THE SAME SHOES EVERYDAY. What’s wrong with that? She will say it again tomorrow and day after tomorrow and the days to come.
Sometimes my mum makes me feel ugly. She comments about everything that I wear. Sometimes I really feel like suffocating. And don’t get her started to talk about my face. It’s never right. It’s always with pimples, pimples and pimples and pimples and pimples and bloody PIMPLES.
And don’t get her started about relationship. She’s always asking me to give birth to a baby. I don’t know when I can do that okay? Not with the lousy relationship state I am in now. And she’s always got this way of relating how I dress to why I’m not attracting possible suitors. So much so that I’m already frustrated myself, I’m feeling even more frustrated with how she’s feeling towards me and the whole thing. You think I don’t want to have someone to love me meh? I just don’t understand why they wanna treat me like shit lor.
I’m trying to understand my mum’s point of view. Like maybe she’s worried that I’m getting older and she always think this is MY MARRIAGE PERIOD. BUT SOMETIMES AS MUCH AS I TRY, I CANNOT UNDERSTAND. I mean what do you want me to do lah?
SO TOMORROW I’M GONNA WEAR UGLILY TO WORK!
since whatever that i think looks good on me doesn’t seem to be the right choice