This is to My Friend

Now that you’ve broke up, I feel relieved and at the same time angry, sad and worried.

I feel relieved because I think some of the emotional sufferings will reduce significantly. I feel angry because you don’t mean what you say. I feel sad because you’re unable to let go..and still holding on to someone who has let you go to a certain extend. I am worried because you think if it’s a life without him, it’s not very much life anymore. Maybe I’m wrong but that’s the information that I can gather for now.

As a friend and when I see you feeling sad, it’s only natural for me to say words to comfort you, to give you strength to carry out actions you plan to do but never had the courage to. I think you know all the facts but sometimes the heart just doesn’t want to co-operate with the mind. I’ve told you many things, sometimes I find myself repeating the same thing all over again because I think you still didn’t get it yet.

Today I somehow realised maybe I shouldn’t say anything more from now on. Maybe I’ve pushed you a little too far, a little too hard, for you to cope in such a short timeframe. Therefore, I think I need to take a step back and let you heal in your own pace. I foresee things that might break my heart a little because you are in the midst of wanting to let go but at the same time, not wanting to let go. And to break off from this in-betweens takes a very determined soul given a substantial amount of time. I’ve been there..I know. And I should know better to let you have your time to mend your broken heart, letting you to learn how to deal with the problem even though you may be still doing the things I think you shouldn’t do. I may be the one feeling frustrated at why you still don’t get the message but I wouldn’t comment about it anymore…because I know some people just need to go through a certain process (maybe short, maybe slightly longer, maybe very very long) to finally get the message and practise it.

I used to cry just like you, perhaps even more pitiful than you. 😛 I’ll always be on the phone pouring and pouring my soul out. Pouring the same soul again the next night. And again the following nights to come. I wonder how my friend could take it. I was such a pain. But I can understand it now. He must have gone through the same pain to be able to understand what pain I was going through…so it didn’t matter to him for me to call him at weird hours of the night, sobbing like the world is coming to an end. I still remember very clearly how I would sit on the floor on a particular corner, with the lights off and I’ll talk to my friend. Sitting at a corner with the lights off indeed helps to dramatise the whole thing. When one is sad, one wants to make oneself appear sadder.

The world indeed felt like it had tumbled down. Sometimes it isn’t about what are the things you’ve done wrong. Sometimes it is just really about how you love someone very much and yet he just doesn’t look at that love the same way as you do anymore. It’s not always something you can explain and that is why we are always singing about love, talking about love, looking for love, getting frustrated about love but still wanting to find the love even though it hurts.

I had always had someone to depend on and I thought I forever will have someone to depend on. I was wrong. I started eating alone. I started doing things on my own. It was painful but I forced myself to take one step at a time to get out of that shell. That comfort zone. The mind always tells us…it’s not comfortable…but you know what? Sometimes we just need to do it once to realise it’s not really hard to get comfortable after you’ve tried doing it. From then on, I started to do more things on my own. And I must say it was because of then that I am comfortable being with just myself now, doing things alone and not to depend on others entirely. At the end of the day, the only person you can depend on…is still back to yourself.

I also did many stupid things during my worst breakup ever. I wrote him a letter to tell him how much I hated him even though I was 100% sure I still loved him to bits, right till my very last breath. I know that letter wouldn’t get a reply but I just liked the idea of him feeling that I’m such a pest. I called him a few times in a day just to know what he’s doing, where he is, hoping that he would ask me the same but he just never does. Hangs up just after answering my question.

I cried so much that I began to hate myself. I don’t know why I was doing all those things to trigger his attention when in fact what I was doing is torturing myself. I didn’t want to live a life like that. Why do I need to live like that because a guy that I still love very much doesn’t want to be loved by me anymore?

Yes, it takes time to heal. But what starts the healing process still lies in you. You can still drag on and continue to be sucked in a depressing mode or you can start deciding if you want to move on. If you decide to move on, it doesn’t mean you have to be completely okay by tomorrow. You can take your time but what’s most important is that you have it in your mind. When you are thinking about, think harder so that it will turn into actions. When you start doing just one thing, you will try to do another, soon you will be doing so many things and before you know it, you’ll just be watering the flowers or watching tv or pooping in the toilet and then you suddenly realised, it doesn’t hurt anymore, you’re still the lovable you used to know. It isn’t really that bad after all. Your heart is somewhat mended.

Just remember that we do care for you. I don’t think I’ll ever mention about your relationship or how it is between you and the guy for now because I just don’t think it helps and I think we have overloaded you with information. Maybe you’re not stressed about the break-up so much but pressured by us to see you heal. I don’t want to be such a lousy friend. I must learn how to give you the space that you need but should you raise the subject, of course we’d still be glad to be a listener. You have to agree that we are some very good listeners around because when you are my friend, YOU ARE MY FRIEND.

I love you.

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