During this holiday season, all I have been doing is shop, eat and sleep. Parents are here so the thought of hanging out with friends is pushed to the other side of my brain. I have come to realise that the way I handle my parents now have changed somewhat and will change in the future.
I hate to say this because it seems to portray me as a bad daughter but I sometimes wish Mummy would be back in Sandakan and I’ll have time to do things on my own and to spend time with my friends. For as long as she’s here, I just don’t have the heart to leave her alone during weekends or after working hours.
As you may already know because I say this like a thousand times in my blog, my mum is always very worried about me. She worries about me more when I’m near her more than when she’s in Sandakan. The fact that I don’t have a boyfriend whom she feels will be able to take care of me and protect me adds on to her already very worried mind.
The thought that she thinks I’ll be lonely this Christmas made her extended her stay. She was actually saying she’ll be back to Sandakan before Christmas. I’m happy and sad at the same time. I appreciate her thoughtfulness of thinking I’ll be alone but at the same time I really don’t like the idea of her thinking like I’m incapable of having friends to celebrate you just because I don’t have a boyfriend to celebrate Christmas with. So maybe the rest of who were enjoying with your friends but I was stuck at work this year on Christmas eve and then on Christmas Day, I spent it with my parents. Not that I don’t like to spend time with them…it’s just that when I think of it…I don’t think I’ve ever really celebrated Christmas with my friends.
My parents are so used to me following them wherever they go, including lunches and dinner with their friends that i sometimes wonder if I’ll ever get out of that. I have been sending them to places they need to go and because I’m the driver, it actually means I have to be with them. Where there are times that I tried to excuse myself from going but still offering to take them there and then pick them up later, Mum would be asking me repeatedly to go that I just gave up and do as she say..just to please her even though I really don’t have the slightest mood or interest to be with their friends. I’m usually quiet and I just feel so weird. They’ll be talking about things that really isn’t my topic of conversation and I’ll need to entertain myself by listening to their conversation or staring blankly at the tv. Watching but not really watching.
All my life…my parents have been a very protective lot. Sometimes their love overflows and I begin to choke. And when I feel the way I feel right now, feeling that I cannot take control of my life when my parents are around because I have to suit to their needs…these few days I really do feel a little stressed out and I just want a break.
Mummy said she’ll be going back next Monday then hesitated again and asked me if I wanted her to stay a little longer. Honestly, I prefer her to go back because she can then go back and enjoy with her friends and I can have my time to do my things. But I can never tell her that because she would think I don’t like her companion. I can only let her decide when she wants to go back.
This New Year’s eve, I’m going to spend it with my parents too. Pappy is flying from KK to KL even though he just flew from KL to KK like 2 days ago. He is the kind of man who insists he must spend time with his family on celebration like this. Pappy prefers Western food while Mummy is very oriental..so it means Chinese. Sometimes we have a clash of taste when it comes to thinking of places to eat on days like these. Whenever we go for Western food, Mummy would be saying how bad the food is when we come back. I hate to hear it but I take it in anyway. When we go for too much Chinese food and Pappy needs a breath of Western food and knowing that Mummy wants Chinese food, Pappy would just ignore and insists for Western food anyway…so it comes back to the same cycle. I’ve gone through this cycle so many times, I shouldn’t even be complaining but lately I just snap at them easily because I was thinking since they know each other’s preferences, why can’t we just go for Chinese meal or Western meal happily? When I’m with Mum only, it’s Chinese all the way. I can be very Oriental too but a few Western meals in between won’t kill me. When I’m with Pappy only, he would sometimes take the chance to have Western. I don’t have to ask him what he would like to have sometimes. He’ll just tell me he wants to have some Western food whenever he feels like it.
Mummy always prefer places that are cheap yet serves nice food. Pappy doesn’t really worry about the money spent on food that much…though I remember once, we walked out of a restaurant when the fried rice cost RM75 per plate. Neither of us can swallow those rice that cost so much. He doesn’t like the idea of us worrying how expensive it will be. So long as it’s decent food and not too expensive, he’s fine with it and wants us just to enjoy that meal and stop bitching about how expensive it is.
And aku entah kenapa or maybe it’s because they are growing old. The arguments heat up pretty easily and I’m often caught in between. So you see…I have something else I need to learn. To cope with it when it happens. Must remain calm and to pacify both parties. ????
Thank God for Japanese food so I’m bringing them to a Japanese restaurant I’ve never been before tomorrow for New Year’s eve dinner. It better be good or else, I would be the one who gets complained tomorrow! One more thing, my Pappy can really party one lor. He can go out from day to night and still got the energy to repeat the same thing again the next day. Ada kalanya, I cannot catch up. I will sure need one day to nestle in the house with the book or with the TV or just writing.
Ada juga saya rasa macam holiday saya beberapa hari ni macam bazir aje..because I don’t think I did anything productive…aside from spending money. But I really do hope I can end the year with a good note. The journey ahead is going to more challenging than this because that’s how it’s supposed to be. You grow older, you grow wiser, you grow smarter, you grow more mature so whatever you do also must have a certain level of difficulty added into it. Certain things will stay the same though…like I’ll still be hugging Ducky every other night to sleep (Did I tell you I now sleep without hugging my hanky? Yea..the habit is like long gone when Mum threw one of my hanky away.) I’d still appear desparate for a boyfriend. MUAHAHA. I will try to force myself to be braver. I need to be a complete woman.
I need to be a better ME.
I love you, Gracie.