Healing is not instant. I woke up still reeling from the blues. I’m trying and I know this blue will soon past..just maybe not today.
I was lying on the bed still recalling and thinking of what happened until I had to snap myself out of it. Today is going to be a day I’ll spend quality time with Pappy and being with him today kinda healed me a little even though he has no clue of what is happening. As I grow older, I face more problems. Some are results of mistakes of my own, foolishness of my own. And for some reason, I do not want Pappy to know any of those because I would like to deal it on my own, to fix my own problem, to learn how to solve it on my own because sometimes, it’s really really back to just you..I cannot always have someone to back me up..and there are things that you cannot hide or avoid. You got to face them head-on no matter how you dislike it. I’ve getting quite a few of those lately that I’m beginning to question what is really wrong. I don’t think I will have an answer to that and the only thing I can do is to solve it one by one. Some requires time but I know it will be eventually solved. Pappy has always been helping me for so long and I know he’ll always will when he sees the need to..and even when he doesn’t need to so…I need to be strong, try to kill whatever comes my way and still come out alive, still able to draw a smile on my face and just want Pappy to be proud of me, that I can handle things on my own.
This part of me..I learnt it from past relationships that went sour. I don’t know if it’s a good thing but I don’t like the idea of me being helpless, being too dependent on my partner that when I’m left alone, I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I don’t like to be in a situation like that because I know how it feels and I know how scary it can be. It has got its downside too…sometimes I don’t know how to ask for help when it’s really ok to ask for someone’s favour.
Breakfast with Pappy today was cool. We got lost in KL city, trying to find the way to one eating place in Jalan Ipoh but we found it anyway. Then, we tried the new DUKE highway because I was curious where it leads to. Pappy wanted to go to Subang Parade and we managed to get there using DUKE to connect to NKVE and then Subang.
Pappy will forever be my best boyfriend that I’ll ever have in my life. I love him beyond words.
You may read a few more posts like this because I’m fine-tuning my emotional being until I’m stable again.