It’s been awhile since I took days off for a holiday. It is so nice to just go out and put work behind of my mind. Was down in Singapore the past 2 days to attend my cousin brother’s wedding. A cousin brother whom I’ve not met for a very long time that he doesn’t recognises me.
Took Aeroline, the double-decker bus down. My first trip to Singapore by bus so it was a new experience for me.
Met up with a friend for 2 consecutive late nights. Went for movie, “The Ugly Truth”. This is my second serving of the movie but it was cool because this version shown in Singapore is uncensored, unlike the one in Malaysia. Got stopped by Singapore police in the middle of the night when we were in a taxi. It was just usual checking. And I actually felt secure…it’s not the kind of feeling I’ll get if I get stopped by a police here. You won’t know what will happen. One of the reason I like Singapore is the sense of security when I walk on the streets. Tak payah nak jalan macam tikus.
As always, after a trip somewhere, when I don’t get to think about work (maybe a little), I ponder over other stuff.
I think I’ve lost the enthusiasm that I used to have. Enthusiasm towards life…towards anything. I just feel that I don’t care much about stuff anymore. I used to be very curious and when I’m really into something, I’ll get all hyped up. It just doesn’t feel the same anymore that it scares me.
I used to blog almost everyday but I don’t anymore because I don’t have anything substantial to write…not that this piece is substantial but I need to get my wacky thoughts out of my mind.
So…I’m tracing back what makes me feel this way. I just thought maybe I used to put too much feeling into something and I always question if it adds value or if it is meaningful. The truth is…we don’t always get to choose to do something that adds value or is meaningful. Sometimes we just got to do things because that’s how it’s supposed to be.
I know I’ll get very disheartened if I put too much soul into something and it doesn’t go my way…so in some way, to protect myself from feeling horrible, I choose not to put too much soul and not to care too much…but it’s really not helping. I get into a kind of trend that I don’t get excited about anything anymore.
And with the things that are happening lately…just doesn’t help a single bit. I used to care a lot for other people. My friends..my family. But it’s getting different now. It was Pappy’s birthday yesterday. I bought him a card before my trip to Singapore but I forgot to bring it along to Singapore where we celebrated his birthday. This is not me. And while I can go get another in Singapore even though it was hard because Pappy was always with us all the time, I didn’t get one either. Anyway, we had dinner in one of the restaurants along Orchard Road but I just felt that I should have done more.
I used to fill his birthday cards with lots of words. I used to be very expressive. Now the card gets really empty..at least for the past year or so. Be it Father’s Day card or birthday card.
I need to find Grace back.
My friends are very concerned about my single status. I’ve got a friend who wants so much to introduce me to guys. She’ll ask me to go out her with some other of her eligible guy friends. The thing is as much as I would like to be in the loop again, to be in a relationship…I just don’t feel quite like it when people arrange such outings for me. I just feel so unnatural that I actually am starting to reject the next invitation.
People at the workplace is also behaving the same. Never in my life where I have so many people getting very interested in my relationship status at one time. They are so interested about it so much so that I feel so not interested about it. I don’t even know what I am anymore.
All I know that things must change. I need to be more enthusiastic. I need to put the passion back into my life. I shouldn’t care too much about getting hurt or being disappointed. I should maybe just allow that…then at least I know I’m living a life.
I’m not living one now because I’m protecting myself by holding myself back. I’m not all into it. I’m at the surface..just hanging around on the surface because I’m afraid what lies beneath and beyond. Just one word to summarise it all…I’m cold.
I used to like the old me. Although I was once the naive and innocent me, at least I really put my soul into things that I do. Be it loving someone or doing something. I didn’t quite care what the outcome will be like. I just wanted to do it. I know going through heartbreaks changes a person and I think that’s what makes me ..me now. Afraid after being hurt..but I know I must come out of this shell…and give it another shot.
I need to fall in love with myself again, then maybe someone.