冬至快乐

It has been a week since I last slept in my own room. Mummy’s friend was here for a week and so I had to give her my room and camped with Pappy and Mummy. Slept with Mummy on the bed, while Pappy slept on the mattress on the floor. Pappy wasn’t pleased. Not because he had to sleep on the floor but because I couldn’t sleep in my room since there was a guest. He warned Mummy not do to this anymore and Mummy told me about it yesterday.

“Your father loves you very much. He asked me if I know how hard it has been for you.”

But it’s over now. I came home with my room waiting for me. But I also came home to an empty home because the guest has left and Mummy flew back. I was expecting Pappy to be around but I got to know from Mum that he’s flying back too for work.

The first thing I did when I entered the house was to walk to my room. I’ve not had a decent sleep for a week. I’ve been trying to fall deeply asleep among the loud snores from both sides, mum and dad. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I force myself to sleep. So for the entire week, I’ve been rather irritable and grumpy due to the lack of good sleep. It was natural of me to go check out my room because Mummy said she’s gonna get it ready for me before she goes back. Bed sheet changed and all.

When I switched on the light and saw a Christmas gift on my bed, I burst into tears. I don’t know how to explain that. I don’t know whether I was happy or sad. The thing is I don’t even know who got me the gift. It could be mum, dad or mum’s friend. The thing is it really didn’t matter who gave me that when I saw it because I walked out of the room, without touching the present and lied on the sofa at the living room and cried for a good 15 minutes. It’s also because of the look of my soft toys queued up so neatly on my bed, giving me that “we’re happy to be back at our original positions” look. You see…they all came with me to camp with my parents. Mr.Wombat fell into a ravine, Ms.FooFoo slept upside down, Bebeki was nowhere to be found under the blanket, Ducky survived.

I wasn’t having the best of days today. I was making and dragging myself to be productive at work. Managed to get the things required done but it didn’t come with a feeling of accomplishment. I just felt tired and annoyed to a point where a colleague was saying something funny and trying to be very funny and I didn’t find it funny, I got even more annoyed but I couldn’t show it so I had to just keep it inside.

Then, before I left work. I received a call.  A call I always dread to answer. A burden I’ve been carrying for about 2 years now. When you allow people to mess up your life with you being kind. Was also close to tears while staring at my workstation but I couldn’t cry so I kept it inside again.

I was so determined to go get some “tong yuen” after work but I didn’t because traffic was heavy and I was already hungry. I wanted to make my day slightly better, even if it means driving alone to go get some “tong yuen”.

Back to the crying part…I went back to the room after crying a good deal on the sofa and this time I opened the gift. It’s a candle in the shape of a lamp. In pink. It’s quite sweet because it drew a smile on my heavily-teared face. But I still didn’t know who got it for me. Mummy was still on the flight so I couldn’t ask her just yet.

Went to the kitchen to get my dinner. Mummy cooked before she went back. While eating, the tears still gently poured down. Then Pappy called.

“Are you at the airport?”

“Yup, flight delayed.”

“Did you go to check out your computer already?”

“No. Why?”

“There’s something there, near your computer.”

I know he got me something so I hang up and went to the study room to check what’s for me.

It’s an iPhone. 🙂

THEN I CRIED AGAIN.

The gift on the bed was from my mum’s friend. I don’t know why she bought it because we are not very close but nevertheless, I’m still touched.

That’s winter solstice for me.

Crammed

Today the whole world went to cram all the shopping malls available.

11am, there were already cars queueing up to enter the car park. Got some Christmas gifts but my shopping list wasn’t done yet when Pappy called. Had to drive to Kepong to have lunch with him and his friend. My heart was still in One Utama.

Came home for awhile then made my way to Sunway Pyramid. Another crazy shopping mall. You can see the basement car park filled with cars because the cars were also queueing to go in from above. So I went to the upper levels but it’s also the same. I guess I went up and down the levels until I got so fed up because some parts were closed and I felt like I was driving in circles. Because I was too smart and didn’t want to follow the crowd, I headed for the exit sign, hoping to get into another lane in search for other parking space. But too bad…it only led me to the exit.

Then, I had to choose between 2 routes. Chose the one heading to KL/PJ. Then when I was driving down the ramp that connects to the highway again, I felt like I want to cry. Hahaha. The  U-turn back to Sunway Pyramid was so jammed so I took the traffic light to go towards the Sunway toll to get on the ramp that connects me to Sunway again. This time I didn’t want to go into Sunway Pyramid’s parking bay…I went for Sunway Resort’s parking instead and I managed to get one.

The entire journey took me 1.5 hours. By the time I got off the car, I was walking like a zombie to the mall. It was an early Xmas celebration with 2 girlfriends of mine at Bubba Gump.

Tomorrow I’m going to have my well-deserved sleep and I don’t want anyone to disrupt me with any plans. It is so hard to have the whole day to myself even when I’ve pre-announced my plan to just stay home because it’s either Pappy will ask me to join him for meal with his friends (which I don’t always enjoy because of the generation gap) and sometimes I can’t say no (when you have to be a good daughter or when Pappy threatens not to befriend me anymore). And that’s just Pappy. Mum is still around too and she wants to follow me if possible to where I want to go. But you know sometimes I just want to go alone. To shop or whatever.

She asked me last night if I’ve plan for Christmas. Truthfully, I don’t have any yet or probably wouldn’t have any. But I just told her…if you are and Pappy will be here, then I cannot have any plans (because by default I’ll have to go with them anywhere unless I have a boyfriend that would save me and bring me out). It has been ages since that happened and you know what I was doing last Christmas? Catching up on sleep because I worked on Christmas Eve till 3am. The next day, I was so determined to quit that job and I’m glad I did.

My point is…it has been such a long time since I had a good Christmas. It is so long that I don’t even remember when was the last time I really enjoyed Christmas. I don’t need to be going out to have a countdown with party-goers. I just want to be with someone I like, at least that’s how I want it to be for the coming Christmases.

Life changes when you grow older. There is more need to be fake because if I were to be very true, I think I’ll be very rude at work or in general life. There are certain times that you still need to put on a smiling face when you really feel like killing the other person. Sometimes I get very sick of doing this but because we need to survive in a world of such, we got to do a little bit of that. That’s why sometimes I prefer to just stay home and be myself. I can just be as quiet as I want to…without having anyone to have any problem with my quiet personality. And I don’t have to worry or bother what others think of me.

Of course, I won’t be fake with friends that I know and are close with. Because I don’t have the need to even hide or fake myself. They know me when I’m happy or sad. They know me for who I am. I know I can be very loveable and I can talk a lot when I really want to and in the mood or in the spot-on topic of conversation. But of late…it’s just rare.

I know I still function normal on the outside, sometimes inside also still ok. But there is something that is missing. When I take pictures and I smile, I’m smiling but it feels like I’m not…because there’s something about the smile that makes me feel sad, that I feel sad…that something is just not right. I want to find the smile I used to have…without even have to try too hard in front of the camera.

I’ve never felt this way before. It’s not just plainly…I”m feeling sad or I’m feeling down. It’s a very long drag of emotional unstability…that I sometimes wonder if I’m sinking into depression. I don’t even know how to describe this phase that I’m going through. It’s like a personal battle I’m fighting with myself. It’s like I’m constraining myself. I don’t know since when this blog has turned into a crap blog because I’ve not been writing and churning out pieces like I used to. I write very depressing posts now and I know it.

I want to walk out of this…being happy, being alive, being happier than I used to be.

bits n pieces

  • Yesterday while I was walking towards my car, a cat was waiting next to the pillar. When she saw me, she brushed herself against the pillar and meow, it’s like her saying “Good Morning” to me. I meowed back.
  • Today, while I was in the lift and when it opened at the level I thought I was supposed to get out to, I walked out so confidently…to realise that I went out on the wrong floor. I had other colleagues in the lift with me. One that I know…the other I don’t. I walked back in and I was laughing at myself. I think I left my mind at home.
  • The first movie that made me walk out of the cinema in my entire life is Twilight:New Moon. I think it’s not because it was bad but because I didn’t watch the first part so I don’t have a clue about what is happening. So I don’t really know if it’s good movie or not since I don’t understand it at the first place.
  • More friends have gotten married and while browsing through the photo albums in FB. I can’t help but to feel a tinge of sadness. But I know I got to brush it off and move on.
  • I like 方大同’s Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You. very nice.
  • Tomorrow is the last day to work before the long weekend comes. I should be happy…but not really.

A Detox Post

I like my hair now. Still very short but not too short like a month ago.

I need to smile more.

I screwed up at work yesterday. Probably it wasn’t that bad but because I spent most of the day on it and to realise in the end that it was all wrong…I felt bad. Was staring at the monitor for a while, trying to think of the consequences and whether it’s reversible and how long it’ll take to be fixed.

I woke up today not knowing what to expect in response to what I did yesterday. But I told myself it won’t be that bad…but just in case I was wrong…I decided to just dress my favourite skirt so that I feel better myself. It turned out fine in the end. And what I thought was major…is now just peanuts.

I cannot stop thinking about the actor from the Korean series “The Queen Returns”. Handsome. Loving.

I’m getting quieter lately. It’s so natural and easy for others to respond to a conversation or just any random statements. It’s quite a task for me, especially of late. I used to be quiet but not this way. Sometimes I don’t think it’s quiet but more to isolating myself. Like I don’t want to be involved. I just want to be listening, not participating but still in the loop.

I think situation or challenges in life that affects us somehow changes us to behave differently thereafter. I’m more wary about the people and friends around me. Sometimes I still can’t get over the fact that a friend that I used to trust so much and gotten close to…turns out not quite what I expected to be. I would wonder why a friend can do things behind you even when you treat them well and treat them as real and true friends. It does bother me once in a while. Sometimes I find myself trying not to stay in touch because logically I shouldn’t. Why do I need to be nice when the other party isn’t and is not sensitive towards how I feel? But somewhere in my heart, I have this longing to know if my friend is doing okay, like I want to care for a friend.

I know this is one of my weaknesses. I can love you and then that person makes me hate him/her and then after sometime, I may not feel that I love you but I know I still at least care for you, to want to know if you’re doing well. I don’t know if this is what forgiveness is like. But for all I know…there’s a possibility that I may decide to love you back again but the cycle repeats and then I”ll feel like shit. More shitty than the first time. So I guess I’m really tired about this part and there are times…I don’t know if I should bare my heart to a person…because I’ve misjudged once.

It is very painful to hate and I’ve been trying to define my feelings because I want to know what makes me feel and act towards isolation. One of the things I look forward to now is a day that I complete my work and get the job done well. Come home to have a meal, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends, now with my mum. Watch some tv..try to write more. Make use of the extra time that I have on my personal goal that I’ve set for myself. Trying each day to be braver, just trying to walk ahead and drop those things that upsets me as I go on.