I started the first Monday of the year falling sick. Took the day off today to get some rest. I practically slept the whole day since last night. I had so much sleep that I feel so much awake now. But I know I need to get some normal sleep after I finish writing this piece.
It still didn’t feel quite much like it’s the new year for me. The transition wasn’t that great since I fell sick but I should have seen it coming since I’ve been staying up late for the past couple of days. It is hard to just feel great all of a sudden just because the new year is staring at me. What I mean is I don’t want to feel great just because it is the beginning of a new year and then the feeling slowly dies off as the time goes by…and then you make another resolution the next year and then it repeats.
I don’t want too much to change. There are a few critical issues that I need to work on but the rest can maintain as it is.
I listed down a list of things that happened in year 2009 in a separate post like I would every end of the year, just to give myself a flashback and review of what’s happened and what I’ve achieved. I don’t like the idea of listing them down because it doesn’t really mean anything so I want to write it in summary of what 2009 was for me.
I had one of the most draining resignation ever. It was a hard decision to make. It was either to go back to what I think excites and makes my eyes glitter and make my heart pound or continue to something that may not excite me that much but would pay better. I don’t like the idea of working just because it pays well because then I don’t think I live a life. The pay is important but so long as I feel I can live with it and can still support myself…I think I’m alright. It is very easy to just go towards the money but there are many little things that weigh me down. So long as I can still work in a place where I can get along with the environment and people then I’m happy.
Year 2009 was an emotional ride for me. The past continues to haunt me but I think I’m slowly breaking out of it. It reminded me that no matter how kind you are, it doesn’t guarantee that someone will not hurt you. I think back about the people I used to love and I guess my mistake was that I never took the time to really learn and know them before plunging into a relationship. I’ve always had this innocent thought that if someone likes or loves me, I shouldn’t just throw the opportunity away. Why? Because I was afraid no one else was going to love me if I did.
Now..the next person I’m going to fall in love with will be someone who will start off as a friend. He’ll learn about me and I’ll learn about him. We’ll be comfortable in each other’s arms. We will look cute together. We’ll share the same goal and work towards it. We’ll make a great couple.
I’ve never blatantly wrote this because I thought it was embarrassing and the least I’d thought it would happen to me but I’ll write this out today because I want to leave it behind. I was introduced to a guy by a friend. A friend that had good intention to match make us and had me believing the guy was interested too. Somehow along the way, the agenda found its twist and I was still living in a dream. When reality sets in, I discovered the ugly truth that this friend was doing lots of hanky panky behind my back to win this guy’s heart. And she got him. Never in my life had I felt so cheated by a friend. It affected me, in the way I trust people and I was coping with it by having to stare at the couple when they appear in front of me.
It’s really nothing now, now that it’s over. It wasn’t so much that I lose out on the chance on the guy but it was the friendship that I had with this friend that boiled and disappoint me. I sometimes wonder how she’s doing because I’m refraining myself to be friendly and kind to people who don’t care about how I feel. I don’t want them to think I’m okay with it by being friendly, like nothing happened. But on the other hand, I don’t want to bear this grudge. So what I’ve decided to do..is to just let go. I’ll still say hello if we bump into each other but I can never be the kind friend she used to have.
When you lose something, God gives you something back. I’m very grateful that I found a friend that was helping me through to get out of the situation and still remain a very true friend to me now. We may not have known each other for long but it seems like she knows me for so long. She seems to be able to understand me so well without even the need to explain so much.
What I want to see in 2010 is to excel at work, get my project up and running and be really focused in it. I need to lose some fat on the tummy. I’m looking forward to the day I’m getting my braces off. It’s near. I want to spend a lot of time with my sister to make up the years we’ve been apart. I’d like to love someone. I need to exercise more and lead a healthy lifestyle. I’d like to go travelling with good travelling companions. I want to go to a new country this year. Most of all, I want this to be a happier year than 2009.