The past is back to haunt me. Something that makes me feel miserable by just thinking about it. I’ve always been avoiding and pushing the thought back to the back of mind everytime it appears. That’s because I don’t have the courage and strength to do it all alone.
This time around I have to put an end to it. I’m not sure how I will go through this. Sometimes i just wish I have someone to watch over me and protect me while I’m at it. But then there are just things that you got’ve to face and do it on your own. No one’s going to help me if I don’t step up and allow myself to help myself.
I’ve been trying to act strong for the past 2 years or more. I think I’ve done well but there are a few times where I’ll break down like today. It’s 3.37am, just finished watching a fun movie, was laughing 1 hour ago but now lying on the bed with my face stained with tears, typing this post with my iPhone.
I can’t sleep if I don’t write it down. This is probably the first time i’m crying in the year 2010.
One thing that I enlightened myself with, a thought that came across the mind…is that I think my heart is quite scarred. Giving out your heart to the wrong hands is very fatal indeed. You may have the most sincere intention but it doesn’t guarantee you’ll receive the same.
It is even scarier to think of how a person can delicately treat you so well and detailed, to only discover that the same person can just turn around and walk away, with no need reason explained and no consideration.
Sometimes I wonder whether it was all just a plot. A plot that certainly took time to realise. So well-crafted. Because I’ve analysed and analysed it all over but I still don’t get a clue. You see, that’s the thing that is killing me too. The need to know but never would I get to know. So I tell myself there’s no need to know but no matter how I keep that curiosity buried deep inside, it had it’s way to resurface.
I don’t have to try to think about because it comes hit you when you least expect it, or maybe there’s some kind of hidden schedule that makes it happen.
I’ve learnt my lesson and I’m also more protective about myself. I’m not sure if i’m too protective to actually open my heart to someone in the near or far future. In fact, I may already have my heart locked unknowingly now.
I’m just afraid, afraid, just afraid. I know time heals but I don’t know if it applies to this one I’m having issues with now. Maybe it’s not really a big problem but I’ve never gotten into situation like this so it’s still big for me. The biggest I have for as long as I’ve lived.
I know if I can beat this, nothing else can be harder. Time does heal, perhaps I need a longer time. I will heal myself no matter how dreadful it is.
One step at a time. No need to be ashamed. You’re not the only one with problems. Problems can be solved. Big problems are hard to solve but they can still be solved.
I’ve come so far, I should strive on.
It’s 4.07am, I’m tired.
Thanks for hearing me out.