2nd Week of 2011

You know…sometimes I wish we had a subject called “Financial Planning” in school. If only we had that, I think it would save people from lots of headaches and problems. I wished there were more information readily available and knowledge being shared on how to save, how to manage your money, how to handle your loans, how they affect you, what are the processes like, what are the situations you’ll meet if you do or don’t do certain things, how to invest.  The only thing I learnt in school  is menabung. I used to enjoy dropping coins into my piggy bank…well it was a camel, maybe I should call it camel bank. That’s about it. I did not grow up like how my others friends did, in terms of having allowance when you go to school.

I don’t have the 50 cents that I can go to the canteen to buy things with. I just didn’t had any. It wasn’t necessary because Mummy would pack food for me to be eaten during recess. I didn’t had to go to the canteen. I had no clue how to get a hot steaming bowl of noodle from the primary school canteen, how much it cost and I was always awed by looking others scrambling through the crowd to get that bowl of noodle.

Coming to think of it, I don’t even know how I got the coins to be dropped into my camel bank. I guess they are loose change from my parents. Although I didn’t get daily, weekly or monthly allowance back then, I think my parents’s form of allowance to me and my sister is in the form of saving for us. It is only when you are older that you appreciate how thoughtful they are in looking into the future for you. I am definitely going to do the same for my kids even if they can only feel the real meaning to it when they turn 29.

I went to Bank Negara yesterday to get my credit report. I never knew what a credit report is. I didn’t even know there is a self-service kiosk that you can get the report from. It was a friend’s friend that is facing a similar situation I’m in that wanted to share with me what he knows and what I should know so that I don’t get into unwanted situations. I knew what I could get myself into even if I wasn’t the one putting myself intro trouble. This has been troubling me for years now. No matter how bleak it looks now and how stagnant it is and how helpless I am because someone is not responding and thinking problems will just evaporate by ignoring what is going on, disregarding my pleas, I am still hopeful and I know I will get this solved one day.

It was also this friend that kind of pushed me into solving this. I’ve never had the courage because I was lost and I didn’t know what to do. I was very afraid. I was just waiting and waiting, hoping I’ll get to meet someone who I can share this with and this person will go through this with me. It’s been years so I think I should just stop hoping someone will be my my side to go through this with me together. Whether or not that’s going to happen, it is still my problem and I should be one to braved through it no matter how it sucks. I didn’t want to share with too many people because it was a very stupid thing I did out of kindness but really…I don’t think it’s kindness anymore when people take you for granted and puts you into such miserable situation when it all started with you with the only intention to help but ending up getting into shit. I’m neither here nor there.

I’ve forced myself and pushed myself to just take that first step to do something. Just make a call and so I did, the last week. The problem isn’t solved but at least I know what I’m into. What are the possible solutions and what I can do for now. In some way, I feel better because I have an idea of what it is about compared to maybe 2 years ago. I told my friend if she knew how I was feeling now with all these. She said she knows, I must be feeling terrible. Then I told her, yes but I also feel like I’m an investigator and police detective. I have never used so much my my brains and my heart and my tears and my fears into one thing, I don’t even know how to describe it. There are mornings and they are also nights that I’ll be thinking about it for a long time before I go to bed or before I get up from the bed.

In fact, I’m glad I’m still alive. Whatever it is, whether or not I like it, this is what is happening now so I don’t want to be afraid anymore. This is indeed a test but Gracie, as long you keep trying, I’m sure the light will come.

Through this all, I discovered I am the kind of person who whenever possible will not get help from others. I want to try, try and try to solve it by myself before asking. Sometimes, I think I should learn to get help. I have this thinking that if I get help from others without even trying it by myself, I’m not doing enough on my part first in order to have the privilege to get help from others. I think there is a need for me to help others whenever I can but it’s ok and I allow myself to suffer in silence in certain situation and knowing no one will ever know if I don’t announce it to the world. But I’m like that but I’m also trying to allow others to help me. This is also happening at work. I’m the only one doing what I do…so I’m sinking into this habit of becoming very very independent. Not by choice but the situation is such that I have to be that way. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad but I have to manage what I have on the plate, I make sure I see things through because there is no one else who would take care of it but me. I have this drive and motivation to keep things in control, I want my work to be done well. In short, at the end of the day, I want to go home, feeling I’ve done my best everyday at work.

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