Happiness is…#81

Knowing you are happy. When you wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about the good things and all the words you can’t describe enough of how you feel turns itself into a form of tears. Not a bucketful but slow gentle stream of tears that trickles through the side of your eyes.

Being 30

It’s been 5 days since I officially turned 30. How does it feel? It feels great!  :waii:

When I celebrated my 29th birthday, I could not help but worry about celebrating 30 the next year. 30 seems to be a very big number. It meant having to act like a normal grown adult. It is a reminder that I’m not young and I should be planning for my wedding or I should be in one already. In short, it meant morphing into the next stage of life.

Now look at me…and I can’t help but feel I’m nowhere 30. And honestly, I don’t really care!

The good thing about being 30 is that now I can summarise what my 20s was to me.

I’ve worked in a 3 different roles. An IT graduate and started her first job out of her field of study. I worked in a call centre for one of the world’s biggest shipping line. It wasn’t all great. I had my share of really depressing days of answering phone calls from nasty people and it was very draining and damaging to the soul. It had its happy moments too, when people tell me I have a nice voice, when they tell me I’m kind, when they tell me I sound like a beautiful person. I’m quiet by nature so this job is a stark contrast of who I really am inside because I would need to talk the whole day. Sometimes I come home and wished to be a mute. It is a good experience though because I’ve learned to be kind to people who call me from a call centre and to people I talk to in a call centre, as a customer now.

I moved on to a next job, knowing I may not like it but because it allows me to go back to where I think I should be, which is to the IT world, I thought it was a right move. But you see, I didn’t like dealing with printers, especially malfunction printers nor formatting computers. I lasted less than a month and that was the happiest resignation ever!

The next job was the happiest job. I was in charge of web content and websites. Why? Because my mum said I never complained a single bit. I looked like I was alright to go back to work the next day. I didn’t have any stress. I enjoyed my weekends without dreading about Monday. But then I get scared when I’m too comfortable and when I feel that I’m not adding value to my resume. So, I moved on again to a different role as a software tester. This is the most boring job to me ever. Maybe I didn’t like to break things and try to make things break. I preferred building things. I didn’t like to seek the imperfection and flaws all day. “Defect” was a word I feared. The long hours didn’t help. The last straw came when I had to work on Christmas Eve till 3am.

I was lucky I was able to get an offer at an international company in a different role altogether than the previous job I had. In fact, I count myself lucky that I was able to get a different role each time I changed jobs. I think my braces did help me get the job because I had something in common with the hiring manager then. She was on braces too.  🙂  I went back to do what I feel I’m passionate about. The Web. I really really liked this job. I was comfortable but at the same time feeling I’m over the edge. I knew what I was doing, I knew how to do my work and at the same time, I was also learning things. It wasn’t always work-related. I learnt how to write emails with empathy, how to communicate with people of different culture, how to communicate with people at the other end of the world and purely by writing. And for the first time, I was alone. I used to work in teams with people doing similar things I like do. But for the first time, I’m actually on my own, still belong to a team but no one does what I do. It can be lonely but I enjoyed the solitude because I had everything in control. I steer my own wheel.

Things happened and I wasn’t happy. Even though I loved the job but I didn’t think I’m going to be happy with what was going on. I moved on again to almost a similar role and I’m here now. What I really wanted to say is through all the job changes, I found out what ticks me and what doesn’t. And with that, I think I have a clearer mind and picture of what I would like to aim for in my 30s. 20s was more about finding out about myself, my interests, discovering myself over and over again.

Relationship wise was something like my jobs. I had my fair share of sweet moments and have also experienced the worst. When it happened, I wished the bad things didn’t happen but now I’m grateful that it happened because it was during those painful days that I actually learned to be independent. I adapted to eating alone, walking alone, doing things on my own, talking to my own sometimes, talking a lot to myself actually, mending my own broken heart, dealing with things on my own because I’ve learned that ultimately, the one who’s going to help myself is nobody but me. So to the guys who broke my hearts, I thank you.

I have friends whom I’ve come to know in my 20s and who are still friends with me now. I also get to see who’s for real and who’s sincere, who’s not, who’s taking advantage, who’s pretending, who’s not worth my time at all. All in all, I want to be a better friend.

The most important advice and something of which my Pappy had shared with me and Iris recently is to “Prepare for every eventuality“.

It just sums up what life is about. I’m never going to know what will happen tomorrow but I’ll learn from yesterday, be grateful for today and be hopeful of tomorrow. I’m still a work in progress. I still have things I’d like to discover within myself but I think I’m less lost than I was in my 20s. I still have the same dreams, if not more. I have a long to-do list that I don’t know if I’ll be able accomplish all of them but it’s better than not having a set of mini goals for yourself at all. I want to be kind and nice but I want to protect myself from ill-intention people. I want to be a better person. I want to be happy and healthy.

Hello 30!  😉