Connect More

It dawned upon me that I’ve not been communicating and keeping in touch with my dad as much as I should.

I call my mum almost everyday but don’t do the same with my dad. Firstly it’s because there’s lesser things to talk about as I often share more openly with my mum over the phone, just about anything. With dad, the topics are more limited. Even when I eat alone with him, we can get very quiet too.

Had dinner with dad and Iris last week and I think my dad is feeling quite lonely. Just a thought after he told us things like how I used to SMS and email him with my updates during my college days. Now that I’m working, I don’t really do those things anymore. He said he’s liberal and understand that we are busy with our working lives but those few statements made me feel really bad. I find myself in tears when I sit down and be reminded of what transpired during the conversation dad had with us.

Since then, I’ve started to SMS him and calling him more frequently. My dad is a cool guy and seldom open up his true feelings and emotions. You’ll always feel he has the world covered for you. He still does things for me and make me feel like I’m so incapable. But it’s not because I’m really that incapable but just so he does it because he loves me. He changed the kitchen clock and put up additional hooks in the toilet before he left during his recent trip. He does a lot of things in the background for me because he never wants me to worry even if they are things I should start to worry because I’m really not his small girl anymore.

I’m making a conscious effort to stay in touch and to connect better with him. I’ve been too self-absorbed lately. Just not in my right mind. Been having too many crying moments. Writing this is one of it too. I’m at a battle with myself for reasons I can’t pinpoint exactly.

I have a lot that I need to do, things that I want to achieve, yet I feel bored, unmotivated and hopeless. I don’t like where I am now and moving out of it. This doesn’t take me a day but I just want to tell myself that as long as I put a tiny step forward each day, I will get out of it eventually.

You will be reading a lot of this from me as I want to acknowledge how I think and feel. Perhaps one day it’ll dawn upon me of why I’m feeling this way and that it’s just a temporary phase of life that I need to embrace and that there’s a reason for everything that is happening whether they are good or bad.

I’m so gonna be panda-eyed tomorrow.

Week 9

I’ve started taking bilberry supplement on top of flaxseed oil which I’ve started taking earlier. I don’t feel any drastic change this week but maybe there’s this little tinge of improvement. Sometimes I don’t try that hard anymore to look at things. Deep down I just know I can see better so I’m going to wait it out and do all that I can to achieve that. Eyes can get blurry when tired, especially when staring at the computer for too long, especially when I’m really focused and working on detailed tasks. My job involves staring at the computer for at least 8 hours so I can’t erase this part but I’ll incorporate more blinks in between, or just to close my eyes for awhile to let it have a rest. I’ve been doing warm compress for the eyes too at night. I’ll get a hot towel and cover it over my eyes for a couple of minutes. I’ve read it helps with dry eyes and to help with blood circulation. One thing I notice is that the dark eye circle is lightened. This is a problem I’ve had since forever even if I have enough sleep. It just looks worse when I don’t have enough of sleep and after a long, tedious stare at the computer. I’ve also tried using preservative-free artificial tears of another brand called Vismed. This is more moisturising as I don’t have to apply too many times a day when I just started with it. But then again, there are just days when the eyes are just more tired and dry. I don’t even know if it’s dry or tired anymore. I don’t really feel the dryness in fact, but each time I apply the tears, it just helps with the vision so I guess dry it is.

All in all, I just need to make sure my eyes are well rested, I eat properly and healthily. I’m going back to see the doctor to have my eye pressure checked and to see if the remaining astigmatism is still there. I will be 2 months after surgery by then.

A Lot of Growing Up To Do

Not the best of days. Teary-eyed since morning. Teary-eyed when cooking. Teary-eyed while eating. This is so pathetic. Just driving home itself, my mind was occupied with thoughts if I should go for shopping (retail therapy) or just head straight home. The deciding factor was my hungry stomach so I drove home. Prepared soup for my mee sua but it ended up with less soup than how I wanted it to be because my mind was drifting, I was lying on the bed, again with dripping tears, then I went to watch TV then back to the kitchen. Ah well, it was a mess!

I cannot pin point exactly why and what’s the cause. It could be a combination and accumulation of various minor stuff.

There are things that I came to realise and would have to learn to accept and adapt. This should get better once things sink in.

There really is no reason for me to continue with this crying spell but I just can’t help it.

I’ve been making some deliberate change and conscious effort. There are times when I have to push myself or rather force myself in doing things. At times it’s the fear, at times it’s the laziness. As much as it is unpleasant, I’d have to keep doing this because I find no motivation within me so the only way to motivate myself and to get the ball rolling, is to force myself to do something.

Been changing how I react and think at work. I may not be entirely happy of where I am now with the lack of challenge and learning opportunities but I’ve been telling myself to think differently. Whatever work that I have been assigned with, whether or not it’s value added or just administrative, I would need to do it well and put heart in it. The reason is because that’s the only way that I could feel better and positive. For as long as I’m still here, I need to stay positive and give my work a little love.

Have not been socially engaged… so again, I’m making myself speak. No matter how reluctant I am sometimes, I tell myself to just speak.  I’m still not doing well in this area so there’s more work to be done. I just find no particular interest in talking to others, or finding a topic to talk about. My mind is just blank.

What I would like to say is that simple things have been viewed as very challenging to me. Sometimes it feels like I’m climbing a mountain even though I’m practically walking on flat land. But I will not give up. I may be teary-eyed again but I’m not giving up just yet.

Our Destiny Lies in Our Hands

It was my first time to Joey Yap’s seminar on Feng shui and astrology for 2013.

I don’t understand it fully as there are basic terminology you’ll need to know, such as flying stars. Got to understand my BaZi a little better and I’m curious to want to understand it better further.

There were tips on good directions, forecast and auspicious dates to activate all good things.

What I like most is that apart from all that you expect to learn from a seminar of such, you bring home with you a sudden realization, a knock in the head that serves as a reminder that steering towards a better life is still very much up to us and our efforts.

More than ever, I want 2013 to be a great year and I’m happy with my Sunday to begin with. I’m still not up to my to-do list but at least I made progress today and that’s what matters and that’s what makes me happy.

효이 씨, 화이팅!!!