Acceptance and Coming to Terms

I’m calmer and more positive this week as compared to about 4 months ago. I’ve been very depressed, negative, forgetful and on the verge of breaking down. You’ll find me staring into space, mind is blank, feeling numb, spiritually empty, finding the slightest and simplest task to be very very hard. I lose interest in things that I used to like. I talk a whole lot lesser on top of being talking less by default. I was just disconnected. It was hard to admit and accept that I was becoming someone I didn’t recognise. I have no clue of why I was behaving that way and seeing and knowing that I’m behaving that way made me even more depressed and hence the loop of not being able to get out of the vicious trap I was in.

Before I turned to become a total emotional wreck, I was talking and helping someone with a similar condition. I never quite understand why she was acting and feeling the way she does but I was trying to get her out of her “own” world. I wouldn’t say I understand fully now or is experiencing the exact same thing but I know how scary and helpless one can be when trapped in a mental state that is so fragile. As much as someone can help you from the outside, the only person who can help you is yourself.

For me, it started off with the eye surgery which has taken a toll on my emotional well-being. My mood fluctuates as my vision fluctuates. I can be driving and seeing very clearly under sunlight then once I enter a car park, my vision is not that clear and as I enter a shopping mall, I can’t really see well in terms of recognising faces at a distance. I have days where my vision is good and clear. Some days not, not even with the help of artificial tears because those clear moments are very short-lived. I don’t know how long this will go on and the doctor is giving me the 6 months time frame or it could take as long as one year. Every patient is different. He says my brain is still adapting to the new vision. All in all, it’s not fun at all. I just wasn’t prepared to go through this as I went in being very optimistic that I’ll be getting great, positive results. I’m not giving up hope yet and I’m trying my level best to stay sane.

I wasn’t happy at work because there is no goal or development for me. I sometimes go to work with no work to do. I don’t usually get the help or reply that I need. For the one year or so, I’ve been drifting and floating and waiting for changes to happen. And I’ll be left alone soon as I see my only team mate leaving for a better opportunity. It could be a good or bad thing and I’m not sure yet. I wasn’t able to take in the news well in the beginning but now I’m ok.

Things may not necessarily needed to be so hard but because I was already in a fragile state, my ability to adapt has gone down the drain too. I had difficulties adapting into being in a relationship and maintaining it. I also find it tough adapting to another family. I’ve been single for so long, 4 years and I’m very used to doing things on my own and having a lot of time for myself. I’m slow at warming up to people and with my quiet nature, it just seemed harder for me.

I had my wisdom tooth surgery 2 weeks ago and I was scared because I have had a bad experience before. And with my eye surgery which brought about things I wasn’t expecting to experience, I was skeptical about whether this wisdom tooth surgery would bring about something I’m not expecting as well. Chain reaction.

I finally found the tiny light at the end of this long tunnel after I had my wisdom tooth surgery done, when my vision improved gradually and then became blur for a few days last week, faced a really bad day at work because I couldn’t get something done (I’ve never not get something done for the record which was why it hit me really hard) and when I finally went to see the eye doctor again. Yes, I woke up when I struggled the most because I was being so miserable beyond the point of rescue, I didn’t want me to be like that anymore. The only way to go once you reach pit bottom is up.

Eyes: I will be patient until I reach the 6 months’ mark. By then, things could have improved or remain the same. If this is going to be what it is, I’m going to accept it and come to terms that this is the best I can see under certain dim lighting. Or I will seek a second opinion. An ophthalmologist just replied to me personally by email out of expectation and it’s comforting.

Work: Do the best I can. Learn during my idle time. Start to look out and move on.

As with everything else, I’m incorporating changes into my life now.

1. I go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. I’m coming to work earlier too.

2. Exercise. I started going for walk around my apartment area. It started last Sunday where I woke up at 7 something and it was unplanned and my heart just told me to walk. And walk I did. For an hour. Who would have thought I’d walk for so long…alone. Smiled with a lady who was walking too. I felt better and since then I’ve been walking at every chance that I get because every walk makes me feel better. I bumped into my dad’s friend as I was walking one day and I was just able to strike a conversation. It’s like for the first time for so long, I was able to speak without feeling afraid of what I’m supposed to say because I was at ease. I wasn’t thinking very hard of what to say.

3. Initiate small conversations. Just talk. Whatever.

4. Meet up and talk to a friend.

5. Show interest and focus.

6. Be courageous.

7. Be grateful.

Bumped into this quote and love it.

God let me accept the things I can’t change, courage to change things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Conversation with Mum

I had another deep and analytical conversation with my mum last night. We were just talking about life. She was being very open and honest about her feelings about us. My dad. Me. My sister. I shared my bouts of feelings and thoughts too. Now I don’t really see my mum as just my mum. I’ve always defined mum as being the one to always tend to a children’s need, and I still do. But I’m seeing beyond that now. More than ever, I’ve learnt that I’m coming to love and appreciate mum more because there are just some things you don’t realise or understand until you do.

I was telling my mum of how I sometimes feel I’m less capable than the people around me because I’ve been lucky to have my parents tending to my needs, whether or not I wanted it in the first place. I’m not complaining about how they have cared, loved and being VERY protective about me and my sister, particularly me I would say since I’m the first child and it’s only natural for them to be more paranoid about me. But sometimes I wished I was just left to do, manage, solve things on my own so that I could learn and not to be cushioned so much.

My mum understood what I was trying to say and she agrees to some extent. She admitted how she would have done certain things differently if given another chance. She says she knows better how to bring us up looking back…but we are all grown-ups now. ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s no one’s fault because that is life. No one really knows how to go through it beforehand. It’s a journey that unfolds itself as we experience it. Being able to share and talk to mum about this would be one conversation I’d never forget. No one raised voices or became defensive but listened attentively to what the other side has got to say.

Mum said sometimes we take things for granted, like how my mum have always did things for us and in return, we assumed it’s forever mum’s job to do it. Like how we think a mum should cook for her children but on the other hand, we never really thought about cooking a meal for her in return. That’s one of my mum’s wish. She said I never cook for her. Ouch. I told her how I always feel pressured in the kitchen because I just feel I’m not good enough. My mum always want me to be better. Always wanting me to see her cook, to learn to cook from her. I’ve got to shift my priorities around a bit now. Don’t we all sometimes just want to rest after a day’s of work outside or do our own things? I have a to-do-list that never ends and sometimes I don’t know when I’ll tend to them. But I’m going to tell myself it’s ok. I’ll do what I can. For now, I just need to spend more time with mum now that she’s here.

Run If I Could

Another sleepless night so let’s write!

If I could, I’d like to go run now. Just run till I could see a better perspective, and run to free my mind.

If I could, I’d like to quit and take a break. Spend time with my mum. Make new friends that matter to me and me matter to them.

If I could, I’d like to become who I used to be. Happy, chirpy, calm, steady, dare to leap, not what I’ve been feeling lately – tensed, stressed, insecure, indecisive, lack of courage.

I have a certain view towards life and that I’d like it simple. But then life brings you to a point that requires you to think deeper and things start to appear more complex. You have more stuff added to your plate whether you like it or not or whether you’re ready. Just exactly what I’m feeling right now.

When it gets bottled up and when you think there’s just too much for you to handle, somehow you’d find your way despite the changes and challenges. It’s still not easy but because it’s been so difficult, you would want to make it easier for yourself so that you could go on, so that you could breathe and let go of words that are hurting, moments that petrify you, let go off the clutter and just to be able to walk confidently and take life in as it comes.

I pray and want to work towards loving myself again.

If I could, I’d really like to go run now.

Eating Like a Snail

I have been eating for hours the past few days. I could only chew on one side and I can only take soft diet for now. I just finished one apple in about an hour’s time. Amazing.

Iris cooked dinner today and she cleaned the house too while I tend to other light housework, arranging the kitchen stuff a little and ironed many many clothes.

Can’t wait to eat like normal again. Now I just want to snuggle on my bed with a book.