For the past week or so, I’ve been waking up at around 3 or 4 in the morning and having trouble to get back to sleep. The mind jolts to think about many things, mostly revolving around work. I had a hard time snapping out of it and the harder I tried, the more frustrated I get.
The past 2 nights was the same and instead of trying to snap out of it. I just accepted that I am awake at this hour and I wanted to be calm. Not that it helped in getting myself back to sleep but I just didn’t want to add more stress to it.
I had a very strong feeling of wanting to take a career break yesterday. It’s just one of the things my heart wanted to tell me. I’ve been ignoring it for awhile but it came back yesterday. I’m going to give it some thought because I don’t like getting all stressed up and I’m afraid that would trigger another episode of depression. I would need to take remedial steps to prevent that from happening and before it gets out of hand.
I’m staying very alert and aware of each sign and negative emotions that I’m feeling because I really can’t afford to sink into the black hole again. I have been doing fine without medication for about 2 months until last week or so. I’ve been trying my very best at work but my best sometimes is still not enough. I know I’ve told myself I would need to compare with myself only, on the progress I make everyday. However, sometimes it’s hard when the work comes with a deadline and it’s something you’re not familiar with and you have no idea how long you’ll take to complete the task. And when I don’t have an idea of it, I don’t have a sense of control and which I would feel overwhelmed. Each time a negative thought pops up at work, I would try to shoot it down and replace it with a positive one. Sometimes I’m just so tired but I have to keep reminding myself to stay positive.
This morning I decided to take a day off and relax the mind. As much as I wanted to persist and force myself to function because that would be the “right”thing to do, I decided to be kind to myself and not torture the mind and soul. My mum was flying home today as well and I managed to slip in a chat with her in the morning, both of us lying on the bed. I shared with her my thoughts and feelings even though I guess that would worry her too but I just can’t keep bottling my feelings inside.
As I hug her twice before she gets on the taxi, I put up a brave front and waved goodbye. The moment I turned around, tears started flowing freely and I went back to the house and cried even more. Partly I miss her already and I know she’s been doing a lot of things for us for the house, watching over the maintenance work that’s being done, cooking, cleaning and all, making sure she does everything she can before she goes back, knowing how busy we can be with our working life. There were also times when she annoys the hell out of me and I have been impatient with her, speaking with an irritated tone. I wanted to change that and be more patient and we had quite a good two weeks without much annoyance and we were just talking very nicely to each other after that.
It’s been awhile since I would actually cry like that when my mum flies home. I’m happy because that means I’m alive inside. It’s definitely not feeling dead inside like when I had the big D.