I’m Thankful For …#6

…My fiancé and my sister who have been patiently listening to me over the weekend regarding my doubts, worries and stress-related matters.

They have managed to crush the many self-inflicted pressure I imposed on myself and reassuring me that whatever I’m feeling is valid but I’ve got to learn to let it go.

Again, I think too much about what others think based on what I think they would think.

I shall gather strength and courage to face tomorrow. If all else fail, I will get another round of it from my dad tomorrow.

I may still be wobbly but I’ll try until I’m strong and steady again.

It’s Been Awhile Since I Last Cried That Much

For the past week or so, I’ve been waking up at around 3 or 4 in the morning and having trouble to get back to sleep. The mind jolts to think about many things, mostly revolving around work. I had a hard time snapping out of it and the harder I tried, the more frustrated I get.

The past 2 nights was the same and instead of trying to snap out of it. I just accepted that I am awake at this hour and I wanted to be calm. Not that it helped in getting myself back to sleep but I just didn’t want to add more stress to it.

I had a very strong feeling of wanting to take a career break yesterday. It’s just one of the things my heart wanted to tell me. I’ve been ignoring it for awhile but it came back yesterday. I’m going to give it some thought because I don’t like getting all stressed up and I’m afraid that would trigger another episode of depression. I would need to take remedial steps to prevent that from happening and before it gets out of hand.

I’m staying very alert and aware of each sign and negative emotions that I’m feeling because I really can’t afford to sink into the black hole again. I have been doing fine without medication for about 2 months until last week or so. I’ve been trying my very best at work but my best sometimes is still not enough. I know I’ve told myself I would need to compare with myself only, on the progress I make everyday. However, sometimes it’s hard when the work comes with a deadline and it’s something you’re not familiar with and you have no idea how long you’ll take to complete the task. And when I don’t have an idea of it, I don’t have a sense of control and which I would feel overwhelmed. Each time a negative thought pops up at work, I would try to shoot it down and replace it with a positive one. Sometimes I’m just so tired but I have to keep reminding myself to stay positive.

This morning I decided to take a day off and relax the mind. As much as I wanted to persist and force myself to function because that would be the “right”thing to do, I decided to be kind to myself and not torture the mind and soul. My mum was flying home today as well and I managed to slip in a chat with her in the morning, both of us lying on the bed. I shared with her my thoughts and feelings even though I guess that would worry her too but I just can’t keep bottling my feelings inside.

As I hug her twice before she gets on the taxi, I put up a brave front and waved goodbye. The moment I turned around, tears started flowing freely and I went back to the house and cried even more. Partly I miss her already and I know she’s been doing a lot of things for us for the house, watching over the maintenance work that’s being done, cooking, cleaning and all, making sure she does everything she can before she goes back, knowing how busy we can be with our working life. There were also times when she annoys the hell out of me and I have been impatient with her, speaking with an irritated tone. I wanted to change that and be more patient and we had quite a good two weeks without much annoyance and we were just talking very nicely to each other after that.

It’s been awhile since I would actually cry like that when my mum flies home. I’m happy because that means I’m alive inside. It’s definitely not feeling dead inside like when I had the big D.

Resilience

The past week wasn’t a good week. It was a little off balance for me and there were few nights where I woke up at around 3-ish and 4-ish to find my mind cluttered with too much thoughts. It was uncalled for and it just happened. I had trouble snapping out of it in an instant as I would like to. This was triggered by a stressful week at work, with deadlines I wasn’t sure I’m able to meet as it involved learning new things and delivering it at the same time. It has been about learning something new since the beginning of this job and it just doesn’t stop there, it keeps evolving and so it seems to me it would be that way moving forward. On my part, I would like to do a good job and the worries that tagged along were related to whether I would be able to do so and how others would perceive the quality of my work.

I am not very good with working under deadlines with something I’m not very familiar or skilled at. Firstly, I can’t estimate how long I would take and that itself is a worry for me, especially when someone asks me how much time I would need to finish it.

This morning I found myself waking up at 4:30am and I wasn’t happy about it. Many unwanted and negative thoughts came flowing into the mind.

It goes something like this…

Why am I awake at this hour? What should I say during the meeting tomorrow? Would I be able to do the task? There are so many things I need to do. I must make sure I balance out work and personal life. Is this the right job for me? Should I change job? Should I change career altogether to another field that is less stressful? Am I not strong enough to withstand stress? Why am I not able to withstand stress? Why am I feeling this way? Should I go back to further my studies? But that would require money and I need to work to earn money. I’m getting married so I need to earn money. Should I just quit before I get married and then look for a new job after getting married? Should I go to work today since I’m feeling crappy? But I’m not crappy to a point where I can’t function at work….

The above was just a portion of what I thought.

I tried listening to music. I even read a book but I ended up with tears flowing down my cheeks. I gave up and got out of bed.

I talked to my mum and the idea of whether I should go to work or not still lingers on my mind.

In the end, I just forged my way out the door and went into the car, in which I let out a good cry as I was driving to work. I reached the car park and looked myself in the mirror, hoping it doesn’t look too obvious that I’ve been crying.

Went to the office and do what I needed to do. I felt better.

I Asked For…

I asked for strength…
And God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom…
And God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity…
And God gave me brawn and brains to work.

I asked for courage…
and God gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for patience…
And God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait.

I asked for love…
And God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for favors…
And God gave me opportunities.

I asked for everything so I could enjoy life.
Instead, He gave me life so I could enjoy everything.

I received nothing I wanted, I received everything I needed.