A Closure to 2013

2013 was a crappy year for me, at least for the first half. I continued with the recovery of my eye surgery and the recovery period was filled with lots of doubts and worries. All these uncertainties really took a toll on my happiness and mental health. I also had a wisdom tooth surgery which added to the worries I already have but I’m glad it turned out well.

I tried very hard to be happy but I just wasn’t happy. I figured something was wrong with me.

In June, I went to see a psychiatrist and the doctor diagnosed me with major depression. I was advised to start with medication but my family encouraged me to get out of it with my own willpower.

In July, no amount of willpower was helpful since I think I was already in a major one. A day after I turned 31, the bouts of panic attack that came to visit me for the past few days emerged even stronger. That was when I started my healing journey with anti-depressants. I have only read about people having it and never would I have thought that I’ll be a depression patient. Now I know what it feels like to be one.

It was definitely one of the darkest and bleakest moment of my life thus far. It is like hiding in the darkness until I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel in October. That’s when I felt like I was back to my normal self again. Even though I felt like I’ve recovered, I had to continue medication for another 6 months to prevent a relapse. The only thing I didn’t like with the medication was how it made me gain weight. But then again, I’d rather be fat than depressed.

I also went to the optician to get my astigmatism glasses prescribed. It wasn’t so much of a dry eye problem that I initially thought I had. It was the astigmatism that would cause blurry vision when lighting is low. This pair of spectacles helped a lot in my recovery. For times where I used to look at something/someone far that’s blur, I would start to question myself if there’s something wrong with my eyes and then the worry loop starts playing. Once I started wearing this glasses, I had a clear vision and there was no need to figure if anything was wrong with my eyes. And I could figure out and see things clearly the first time. Just calculate how much unnecessary thoughts have been eliminated!

The perfectionist in me also accepted this imperfection fact. Even though the purpose of the eye surgery was to remove the need to wear contact lens and glasses, now I’m back to still wearing glasses only for astigmatism (no more short sightedness). I have come to terms with this.

Work wise wasn’t that rosy too. It was down to just me alone from the former 3 people team that I was in. I was not learning anything or anything new and most of the time, I wasn’t occupied at work which created more time for me to worry of all of the above. With the skill gap that I have, I wasn’t confident in being able to get a job I’d wish to have. Most of the time, my self-esteem was low and was so not confident. In September, I managed to find a job. I had the option to continue to rot in my comfort zone or try to conquer out of it. I resigned from a company that comes with lots of employee benefits to join a small company with not much benefits.

I had a very long notice period. 3 months. I had the option to join earlier but I was more concerned about my health than my job. I just started to recover from my depression and thought it would be wise to just hang around, go slow and recover even more.

I started going for tennis classes and am still going now.

The 3 month period was the laziest period. I’ve never been so lazy in my entire life. The doctor said I may just be learning to enjoy life more than I used to. I enjoyed sleeping a lot and I wasn’t the very active or planner me. I’ve always been the kind that would plan and list out things I would need to do for the hour, for the day, the next day, the week, in coming weeks and etc. I would plan ahead. I stopped doing all those. I just let life takes it flow and I went with the flow. But of course, it was too much of a drifting and I know I cannot flow too aimlessly. I used to care every about single damn thing. Now, I couldn’t care about a thing! That’s what my boyfriend noticed about me.

November came and my boyfriend proposed to me. It was unexpected and came a little too soon that I thought. I was surprised, scared at the beginning but it was not long after that that I let reality sink in and was overjoyed that I’m finally getting married. Grace getting married! 😀

I’ve got things to do, things to plan. It gave me a goal to look forward to.

I finally left the company in December. Had a week break. Welcomed the new year in Singapore, started my new job on 6 Jan 2014 and it’s only today I finally had time to sit down and write. I just want to look back at 2013, know what I’ve gone through and move on with 2014.

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