A Lot of Growing Up To Do

Not the best of days. Teary-eyed since morning. Teary-eyed when cooking. Teary-eyed while eating. This is so pathetic. Just driving home itself, my mind was occupied with thoughts if I should go for shopping (retail therapy) or just head straight home. The deciding factor was my hungry stomach so I drove home. Prepared soup for my mee sua but it ended up with less soup than how I wanted it to be because my mind was drifting, I was lying on the bed, again with dripping tears, then I went to watch TV then back to the kitchen. Ah well, it was a mess!

I cannot pin point exactly why and what’s the cause. It could be a combination and accumulation of various minor stuff.

There are things that I came to realise and would have to learn to accept and adapt. This should get better once things sink in.

There really is no reason for me to continue with this crying spell but I just can’t help it.

I’ve been making some deliberate change and conscious effort. There are times when I have to push myself or rather force myself in doing things. At times it’s the fear, at times it’s the laziness. As much as it is unpleasant, I’d have to keep doing this because I find no motivation within me so the only way to motivate myself and to get the ball rolling, is to force myself to do something.

Been changing how I react and think at work. I may not be entirely happy of where I am now with the lack of challenge and learning opportunities but I’ve been telling myself to think differently. Whatever work that I have been assigned with, whether or not it’s value added or just administrative, I would need to do it well and put heart in it. The reason is because that’s the only way that I could feel better and positive. For as long as I’m still here, I need to stay positive and give my work a little love.

Have not been socially engaged… so again, I’m making myself speak. No matter how reluctant I am sometimes, I tell myself to just speak.  I’m still not doing well in this area so there’s more work to be done. I just find no particular interest in talking to others, or finding a topic to talk about. My mind is just blank.

What I would like to say is that simple things have been viewed as very challenging to me. Sometimes it feels like I’m climbing a mountain even though I’m practically walking on flat land. But I will not give up. I may be teary-eyed again but I’m not giving up just yet.

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