Anxious of Being Anxious

Third week into my new job and the panic attack came back to haunt me. I woke up trembling in the morning for 2 days and didn’t report to work. Took another day off to calm myself and went back to work the next day. What’s different this time around is that I’m aware of what’s happening and yet I can’t shake it off as how I would like to. It was a vicious cycle of me being anxious of the already anxious me.

I felt overwhelmed over the course of 2 weeks in the new job, with everything that I thought I had to learn at one go or as fast as I could so that I could get more done. Everything is new to me. I also felt that there is a skill gap as I see how talented and skilful my co-worker is at work compared to where I am. It’s either the new job is challenging or that it’s just me, being not good enough.

In my entire working life, I always had some control over my work. Yes, there were times I do not know how to do certain things but in the end I managed. I also had been at a level where I was very confident with what I was doing even though I had to work alone. People loved me. This time around, especially for the first 2 weeks, I don’t have any sense of control of what I’m doing because I’m just so confused and lost. I was afraid to ask for the second time when I didn’t get it the first time. And when I finally took the courage to ask for the second time but still don’t quite get it, I beat myself up…wondering why I just don’t get it.

My doctor reintroduced another medication for me to curb my panic attack and anxiety and I’m coping well so far. Work is still challenging and I still don’t get it the first time but I don’t beat myself up that much anymore. I accept the fact that I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO IT and I CAN LEARN HOW TO DO IT even if it means asking FOR THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME. I’m very shy when it comes to asking for help because I don’t like to look stupid to others. BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO LOOK STUPID NOW. 😀

One way I do to help motivate myself and to rebuild the long lost confidence is to tell myself I’m learning something everyday even though I’m still not there yet. No matter how small it is, I’m learning. I’m not going to compare myself with the people that are way better than me but I’m going to compare myself today with myself yesterday…because that way I’m kinder to myself. And comparing with others isn’t going to help me anyway. I could only set them as my role model, my goal to reach where they are now by improving myself at where I am now.

Go Gracie, you can do it!

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