Depression #26: Fast Forward to the Future

I used to worry that I’ll not become a good mum or how to become one. I know…it sounds ridiculous, especially when I’m not even at step 1 of becoming one but these were my thoughts before, especially when I see a kid with his/her mum or when I see mums handling their kids. I will wonder what it’ll be like and how do I cope with it especially when I couldn’t even handle myself. That was one of the many thoughts and worries I had when I had my major depression last year.

I’m also afraid of handling babies because I do not know how. Seeing others carrying babies so naturally makes me wonder why I can’t do so like them. I rather not hold or handle them just in case I fail. I had a bad experience once but I’ve already forgiven myself for that.

I used to have so many thoughts and worries about the future that they jammed up the system in me. Sometimes I still have these fleeting thoughts and worries now but I’ll just let them pass my mind and go away. I don’t dwell on it too much or put too much deep thought on it. I will deal with it when it comes and not worry about it because for all we know, our worries may not become a reality.

I thank God for the guidance I have so far. I’m grateful for the ability to focus, plan, see a bit to the future but not too much till it stresses me out, the ability to feel joy, the ability to relax when I’m tired. I think yoga has helped to calm me down and give me the inner peace I’ve longed for.

I had been practising sun salutation – a series of 12 yoga poses, for the past few days. I’m not able to attend yoga classes now that I’m back in Sandakan so this is the best that I could do. I hope to maintain this to help strengthen the mind, body and spirit.

Depression #25: Road to Recovery

I’m back to Sandakan for a holiday. My mum insisted that I come back for at least 2 weeks. I was still worried that it would be too long a stay and I kept thinking about the many things that I still need to do…for myself, the house-decluttering project and the wedding. It’s my third day here and today I suddenly have the urge and motivation to build my wedding website. I’m grateful for the motivation that is resurfacing.

Previously I know I wanted so much to get the website done but then the urge died down while I was feeling stressed at work and needless to say, it totally went down the drain when the depression hit me once again. Having the ability to just focus and get my creative juice flowing is what I’m grateful for. I appreciate the gift of having the ability to focus so much more now. Let’s cheers to that!

 

Depression #24: A Song and a Sport

During my last major depression, there was a song that gave me a sense of peace and it was Pachelbel’s Canon in D. This time around during my depression relapse, I listened to Celine Dion’s “The Power of The Dream” repeatedly while I was searching very hard deep inside to rise again.

Last depression, I picked up tennis. This depression, I picked up yoga.

During my visit to Chengdu, the place I loved most was Leshan Giant Buddha. It’s as tall as 24 stories. It was just huge and amazing. (Did I tell you that I once told my fiancé that I just want to sleep floors in the temple?) The tour guide whom we signed up with on the spot made a statement that is still vividly imprinted in my mind. She said it is by letting go that we would be able to receive more. Imagine holding on to two bottles, that’s going to be what you’ll be having but if you put them down, you’ll be able to pick up another two bottles.

Today I want to practise giving instead of receiving. I’ve been receiving a lot from my dear family and friends so it’s time to give some back.

Depression #23: I’m Planning Again!

I went for yoga for three days in a row. I’m less anxious for the past few days and my time planning is coming back to me. Before this, my days are muffled into one. Then, my family helped to plan things for me and set something of a routine. Now I’m glad that I’m able to start planning of what I want to do. It started with just planning for the day when I wake up. Then it moved on to planning for tomorrow.

Before this I was just living hour by hour, then one day at a time and I hope soon I’ll get to see a bigger picture and accomplish more.

I’ve been just being and doing whatever my mind and heart tells me too. Spent some money today buying sports bra and wedding accessories. The good thing is I’m not always calculating and worrying about the money too much.

Thank you God! Thank you Mummy! Thank you Pappy! Thank you Iris! Thank you hubby-to-be in 5 days! I love you all!