Depression #22: Morning Depression Disappeared

I was waiting for today to come as it is the day I’ll be travelling to China with my family. The main intention of this China trip is to visit a Chinese doctor, Miraculously, my morning depression just vanished today as I woke up early to get ready to go to the airport. It took me a week to pack my suitcase due to my failing memory. I packed as I could remember and each day for one week I put items into my bag till it was ready to go on a 10-day trip. I guess I was looking forward to it so much and it gave me hope that I will be cured that the depression condition seemed to have took a turn for the better.

I will spare the details of my visit to the Chinese doctor because unless you’ve seen and experienced it, what I’ll be telling will seem like a magic or a fairy tale. I will never forget the experience I went through and I’m grateful to my family who came with me and my uncle who organized this trip.

In Western doctor’s view, my condition is known as depression. However, in Chinese doctor’s view, my condition is hormone imbalance. From what I understand, hormone imbalance can lead to depression so I might be having both. In Chinese term, I was born in summer hence there’s a lot of fire in me. And the period where my depression is the worst (which happens to be on my birthday this year and last year – month of July which is also a summer period), it is bad for me. Especially so that this year is the year of the Fire Horse…it adds more fire than I need.

What I need is to reduce the secretion of enzyme in my heart and increase the secretion of enzyme in my liver and kidney. This would restore the hormonal balance for my body. I’m still searching for power foods for this but what I’m doing currently is to take 2 table spoons of black fungus and a drink of black bean powder mixed with black sesame in the morning. This is because black colour food supports the kidney and kidney supports the brain. Brain = mental health.

During my trip to China, you’ll see black fungus in the menu a lot and I’ve been eating a lot of black fungus. It has become one of my favourite food by choice.

I’m taking the Chinese medicine that was prescribed and I’m also continuing my course of anti-depressant. I was a bit hesitant to take both at the same time, especially the anti-depressant which has never been my favourite kind of medicine but this time I’m just going to listen to my doctor. The last time I didn’t finish the whole course because I thought I have recovered and there were moments during the depression relapse that I wonder if it’s because I got off the medication on my own will too soon than what the doctor would like to. Anyway, it’s the past and this time around, I will stick to it till the doctor says it is time to wean it off.

I went for a follow-up yesterday and the doctor said I improved tremendously. It was such a happy thing to hear. He asked me what I want from now on. I told him I want to maintain and keep on improving. He also advised me not to rush into finding a job until I feel ready.

Depression #20: Shake No More

I woke up today feeling different. There’s a little joy in it but I was still cautious if the shaking would return.

I watched a heart-warming Thai movie today called “The Teacher’s Diary” and I was able to focus. Loved it so much. This is just my kind of movie. I do watch hero or action movie but I prefer something light, simple and heart-warming.

Overall, I’m seeing improvement in myself from the day I sunk into a depression relapse till now.

My memory is still not good but my appetite is back. Like it’s really back that I have to start controlling the urges because I’m not sure if it’s medication that’s causing the increased appetite or it’s just me. Either way I still have to watch what I eat and watch my weight.

I also had pearl powder which my dad got from the Chinese medicine shop. It’s said to give me courage (胆). Took it once a day for 3 days.

In short, everyone in my family and my fiancé have been scrambling around to find ways to support, help and cure me. From western medicine, Chinese medicine to talk therapy. I even went to see two neurologists to rule out that there’s nothing wrong with my nerves and both concluded that my shaking is caused by psychological stress.

I will not give up, will take it easy on myself and continue along the road of recovery.

Depression #19: God’s Whispers

I’m writing this while I’m waiting at the hair saloon to cut away the bad ends.

For the last 2 days, I’ve been doing things that comes to my mind. It can be very random stuff like walking into the bedroom to fold my parents’ blanket to attending a yoga session that isn’t pre-planned.

I have this signal that just comes to my head and I take it as sign or hint that guides me what to do next. To make it sound beautiful, I would like to refer it as God’s whispers.

Depression #18: Jerking All the Way

If you happened to bump into me, you will find me shaking, jerking or suddenly having a twitch. It has been like that for days.

I’ve been hiding at home because of this but yesterday I think I know what God wants to teach me. I was in a shopping mall, trying to choose bedsheet for the new bed with the help of my sister. My parents were just accompanying me too.

I had troubling explaining finding tack-it from the bookstore after that. I went circulating the stationery area twice but couldn’t find it. The me before would probably circulate another 3 rounds to find it. I am the kind of person who finds it hard to ask for help because I would want to do it on my own. I finally mustered up courage to ask the worker, describing it in the best way I can – plasticine-like, doesn’t peel off paint from the wall, used to stick stuff. I finally found it and I held the item so dearly as though I found treasure.

What God wants me to know is not to care of how others would think of me and how others would judge me. I sometimes have no control over the shaking and jerking so I let it be and still went about doing the things I wanted to do, even in public.

What God also wants me to know that it’s ok to be lost and to open my mouth to ask, no matter how silly the question is.

What God wants me to do is share my thoughts, fear, worries to people close to me so that I don’t get jammed up inside.

What God wants me to know is it’s ok to let others help me and it’s ok to rely on them.

As what I told my mum, God is grinding and moulding me. I don’t know what else he wants to teach me but I’m trying everyday to cope and to get back to being Grace again.

Depression #17: Cockroach

There was a cockroach in the toilet this morning. I started panicking. Wanted to kill it but I was so helpless. I went to another toilet but before going in, I told my mum who was in the kitchen that there’s a cockroach. She came to my rescue. I had a panic attack after she sprayed the cockroach.

Looking back at it now, I find it funny how a small creature can set me off to a panic attack.

Went to see a psychologist today who has the same name as my fiancé. He can’t help but let out a little laugh when I told him about the incident today.