I Hate and Love!

After the drama I had last night, I went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet bowl and cried. Then, I walked out from the bathroom after bathing, went straight to the bedroom and sleep. I didn’t wish my mum good night or told her I am going to bed because I was still fuming. Going to bed angry is obviously not a good choice because I couldn’t sleep!

On top of that, suddenly I miss him.

Yea, sometimes it just comes and hit you just like that.

Thinking that I hate him so much, there’s still some reserved feelings for him. I don’t know how that can happen. I mean I can list down all the bad things he’s done to me and yet after I’ve acknowledged all of them. I can still afford to be cool about it.

I felt the need to pray for him so I clasped my hand, talked to God and ended it with an amen. I’m no Christian but I learnt this during Sunday School when I was still a little girl and it has been like that. I’d pray when I’m really sad or in dire need of direction. I remembered I prayed at the kitchen door, looking to the sky, sobbing and praying when I was very very small. I don’t know why I was so dramatic then also. And now also very dramatic.

I really miss him. Really. So much so that I was hugging on to Ducky so tightly, imagining that Ducky is him. Just wanted the feeling to go away as I suffocate Ducky. (Ducky is a soft toy duck, so she won’t die. Thanks.)

So I ended reading magazine in the room and I actually took a bag and block the door so that it is dark and I didn’t want Mummy to know I switched on the lights after switching them off. I wanted her to think that I was really asleep.

This morning I woke up to find out that I forgot to switch off the computer last night. And while I was closing Windows Live Messenger without my contact lens, I saw a chat window from him. He sent me a nudge followed by a few lines of messages. Totally unexpected of him to do that. Timestamp: 2:23am.

It wrote, “I do love you very much girl. Nvm, hopefully you’ll understand one day.”

All of a sudden, I feel like I’m trapped in a TVB series or Korean series where I’m one of the main actress of a love story and I could either end up happily ever after or end up in the saddest love story of all.

Even though he’s not my first boyfriend but he was the first person I actually fell in love with. How is that possible? Well, that kind of feeling comes hitting you as well and there is no way stopping it. The first boyfriend that I had was more to, he confessed, I think he’s okay, we got into a relationship and I feel and think that I’m in love. Let’s just say I just wanted to feel what it’s like to be someone’s girlfriend and to be in a relationship. You could also say it’s due to slight peer pressure. You could also say it’s puppy love and you could also say it was one part of life that I had to go through. And I can tell you the me then was naive and stupid to a certain extent. It’s okay to be stupid when you’re young.

When I knew I have already fallen with him, I said to myself and I can still remember it so clearly because it’s some sort of a defining moment in life. I said, “He is the one…if he’s not naughty.” He isn’t the kind who love studying while I love studying. I’ve never skipped a class but it was him that taught me how to skip a class. But I only skip once lah. I feel guilty skipping classes.

I found it very exciting to be with him because I get to do things I don’t normally get to do. I come from a very strict family, at least during the early years of my life. Now I think my parents are a bit lenient and allows me to do most things. So when you are restricted and when you get the freedom to things when you leave home to study at a new place, you get that sense of thrill. He introduced that kind of thrill to me. Going out late to the mamak is a kind of thrill to me then because I didn’t get to do that while I was back home.

It was a dangerous period also because I mean if I didn’t know how to think wisely, I would have changed to a different person altogether. Maybe I’ll be skipping classes forever.

So you see, I like bad guys. I hate to admit this but i think that was one of the reasons I fell so deeply in love with him then.

Now I would say, “He is the one…if only he had the time”.

Part of me wants to continue lingering with whatever leftover feelings I have. I can choose to wait for that “one day”. Part of me wants to get over it and hopes so much the missing feeling doesn’t come revisiting me anymore. And that I should start falling in love with good guys.

Well, he isn’t all bad (see how I’m protecting him?). He just has got a complicated family background which makes him complicated as well. He’s knocking his way through life, in terms of career and everything else. If I think my life is hard, wait till I see his. And life with him, is going to be hard too.

I don’t know why he’s doing what he’s doing now but I guess he has his own reasons which I may not be able to comprehend. Whether or not, we will make it in the end, I guess it’s not my call to decide. I’m not going to waste my life, waiting for him. I may do it unconsciously, like how I realised I’m still missing him when I think I’ve gotten over him. I will continue to live life as I ought to, whether or not the missing feeling comes back. I will treasure my family and friends. I will love myself. I will not force myself to forget about him. I mean how could you ever forget someone you’ve loved before?

I don’t know what else I can do so I think this is what I can do best for myself. I know he needs time off. He can have it and he’s having it. I will take it as my time-off to do some soul-searching and self-discovery. The problem with me is I’m not firm enough. If I’m a little more hard-hearted, I think I wouldn’t have so many heartaches and sobbing to do. But I’ve been made the way I’ve been made to be. I have this heart that can be so soft towards certain people that I allow them to do whatever they want with it.

This entry is leading me nowhere. Let’s just put a full stop here for now.

Toxic Tears

Happy Birthday to Ching! :d

Finished the book last night and woke up reading a new book, “You’re What You Eat” by local author, Chia Joo Suan. This is bought by Pappy as well for everyone to read. Whenever I don’t eat right, Mummy would always always say to me, “You’re what you eat!” without fail!

There was this line which I really like from the book which I’ve just finished reading. “A problem shared is a problem halved”.

Don’t we all have problems? Some have it written on their faces whenever they go. Some just appear not to have any problems at all. Some are trying so hard not to have it shown while they try to battle and solve their problems in silence.

This is weird but I am actually thinking that the boyfriend would definitely forget about my birthday. The weirder part is I have already figured what I would say to him if that happened. The next thing that would happen is to know how much I really matter to him, which I believe is less than zero. Knowing and understanding the one million reasons why I should leave this relationship has not made me make any decision on what I’m going to do. Well, I know what I want to do, like I hope to be single before the year ends. I wouldn’t mind to admit that my relationship has been a disaster and I’m not very sure how many failed relaitonships God wants me to have before I can see the light to a happy and longlasting relationship. I can’t end it just yet because there are things between us that I need to sort out before I can say goodbye forever to him.

I do not blame anyone, not even the boyfriend, but myself that I’m allowing this to happen to me yet again. It’s not like there hasn’t been signs that are giving hints to me that this may not worked out after all but I chose to go ahead, thinking maybe I could change it.  I always have this ideal that when you really love someone wholeheartedly, everything would prevail. But I’ve come to learn that maybe that’s not the case. I may or may not still feel for him even if the whole thing ends but I’d like to give myself a chance to have something which I think I deserve to have. Love.

It sucks the most when someone asks me if I have a boyfriend and that’s like the question I really pray I don’t get. Just like the other day, the shampoo girl asked me in a very concerning manner if I have a boyfriend. I paused for a while. Saying yes doesn’t justify the condition I’m in now since I don’t see any difference with me being single and me having boyfriend who doesn’t even care if I should die the next minute. I’m not even kidding because when he doesn’t even bother to call, I might be lying dead in the toilet and nobody would ever discover me. Not trying to be pessimistic even though I think I can be spared to feel pessimistic a little now that I have this relationship issue going on. I just told the shampoo girl, “It’s a bit complicated.” The topic on relationship stopped there and then.

I might give different people different answers, depending on when you’re asking me, depending on who you are, depending if I was in the mood to tell you why it can be a yes and no answer. It’s just not easy because it would always remind me things I do not want to be reminded about…but something I know I cannot choose to hide and avoid from. Just like what the boyfriend is doing. Avoiding and running as far as he can.

One problem with him is he has too many problems. He holds on to his pride very dearly and thus he doesn’t let you in a bit in problems that has the ability to explode his head. I can only get hold of bits and pieces of information from the very short phone conversation which he always seems so in a hurry to end it. When probed further, he sounds annoyed and what else can I do? It’s best to leave him alone.

I think I’m also beginning to understand how he works. His main priority is his job and career. Next, it would be his family. Then, it would be everything else. The last would be me. I don’t expect myself to be listed first in his priorities but I think you should set some time for each of your priorities. And if setting me aside as also one of his priorities is such a burden, shouldn’t he just tell me about it? Grace, I don’t think I can afford to love you anymore.

I know the fact that he’s not going to say it, maybe again due to pride. So he’d choose to give me all this cold treatment, thinking I’d understand and stop being a pest. Then when I leave, it would have been very easy for him. He doesn’t have to deal with it. He would allow it to burn and rot until there’s no more hope for revival.

What I’ve said may not be true but this is what I have been able to collect and digest with what’s going on. I don’t think my problem is halved now but I do feel better. Have been wanting to write this for so long but the words just don’t seem to flow. Now even the tears have flowed. And there’s one other thing..I’ve learnt that you shouldn’t be ashamed with whatever problems you have. All of us have problems whether we like it or not. I may have this problem and you don’t. You may have that problem but I don’t…so it’s all the same.

Do you know that when you cry, you release toxins from your body through your tears? 

一日不见,如隔三秋

I love him.

And I hate him.

Sometimes I think I hate him more than I love him.

But when I hate him so much, I feel that I love him more than I hate him.

Each time after not meeting him for a long time, I tell myself that the next time I meet him, I want to be fierce and I need to scold him, to tell him I’m angry. But each time I meet him after a long while, I just look at him. And no matter how angry I am before that, I’m no longer the angry person I wished to be when I see him. His tired eyes. The look that is trying to hide the one thousand things that’s going through his mind. That cigarette in his hand. And the other on my lap.

I don’t know where I get the patience that always put me in a waiting mode that seems to cross decades. I know I’m exaggerating. Let me be.

Just as he was driving me back after dinner and wanted to bring me somewhere to jalan-jalan, his car broke down. He flagged down a taxi for me and I went home alone, while he waited for the tow truck to come. He wasn’t talking or answering to any of my questions while he checked out his car so I just let him do what a man’s got to do.

He called when I was about to reach home and then again when I reached home. My tone of voice when I got into his car before dinner was like he owes me a million buck, because I was angry and I just wanted to shout at him la. But tak jadi because the heart suddenly went cuckoo and so the feeling inside me was like milo mixed with tequila. Hard to decipher and decrypt.

Then after I got home, I talked to him so nicely. I don’t know lah. Aku sakit hati.

Happy Fart

Finally met him again today after 3 long weeks and we had dinner in Kepong.

I’ve been very bitter and angry about him for the past few weeks. So much so that I thought when I meet him today, I would still be in the same mode.

But there’s just something about him, or me, or us, that makes my heart skip a beat by just looking at him after not seeing him for some time. Him holding my hand while he’s driving. Him constantly serving me food when we had dinner, which is what he usually does when we have dinner together.

I looked at him before getting down from the car and he asked what happened to me. I just wanted to look at him because I don’t know how many days or weeks it would take before meeting him again.

He looked at me and farted.

He derives pleasure from farting in my presence.