It dawned upon me that I’ve not been communicating and keeping in touch with my dad as much as I should.
I call my mum almost everyday but don’t do the same with my dad. Firstly it’s because there’s lesser things to talk about as I often share more openly with my mum over the phone, just about anything. With dad, the topics are more limited. Even when I eat alone with him, we can get very quiet too.
Had dinner with dad and Iris last week and I think my dad is feeling quite lonely. Just a thought after he told us things like how I used to SMS and email him with my updates during my college days. Now that I’m working, I don’t really do those things anymore. He said he’s liberal and understand that we are busy with our working lives but those few statements made me feel really bad. I find myself in tears when I sit down and be reminded of what transpired during the conversation dad had with us.
Since then, I’ve started to SMS him and calling him more frequently. My dad is a cool guy and seldom open up his true feelings and emotions. You’ll always feel he has the world covered for you. He still does things for me and make me feel like I’m so incapable. But it’s not because I’m really that incapable but just so he does it because he loves me. He changed the kitchen clock and put up additional hooks in the toilet before he left during his recent trip. He does a lot of things in the background for me because he never wants me to worry even if they are things I should start to worry because I’m really not his small girl anymore.
I’m making a conscious effort to stay in touch and to connect better with him. I’ve been too self-absorbed lately. Just not in my right mind. Been having too many crying moments. Writing this is one of it too. I’m at a battle with myself for reasons I can’t pinpoint exactly.
I have a lot that I need to do, things that I want to achieve, yet I feel bored, unmotivated and hopeless. I don’t like where I am now and moving out of it. This doesn’t take me a day but I just want to tell myself that as long as I put a tiny step forward each day, I will get out of it eventually.
You will be reading a lot of this from me as I want to acknowledge how I think and feel. Perhaps one day it’ll dawn upon me of why I’m feeling this way and that it’s just a temporary phase of life that I need to embrace and that there’s a reason for everything that is happening whether they are good or bad.
I’m so gonna be panda-eyed tomorrow.