I had another deep and analytical conversation with my mum last night. We were just talking about life. She was being very open and honest about her feelings about us. My dad. Me. My sister. I shared my bouts of feelings and thoughts too. Now I don’t really see my mum as just my mum. I’ve always defined mum as being the one to always tend to a children’s need, and I still do. But I’m seeing beyond that now. More than ever, I’ve learnt that I’m coming to love and appreciate mum more because there are just some things you don’t realise or understand until you do.
I was telling my mum of how I sometimes feel I’m less capable than the people around me because I’ve been lucky to have my parents tending to my needs, whether or not I wanted it in the first place. I’m not complaining about how they have cared, loved and being VERY protective about me and my sister, particularly me I would say since I’m the first child and it’s only natural for them to be more paranoid about me. But sometimes I wished I was just left to do, manage, solve things on my own so that I could learn and not to be cushioned so much.
My mum understood what I was trying to say and she agrees to some extent. She admitted how she would have done certain things differently if given another chance. She says she knows better how to bring us up looking back…but we are all grown-ups now. 🙂
It’s no one’s fault because that is life. No one really knows how to go through it beforehand. It’s a journey that unfolds itself as we experience it. Being able to share and talk to mum about this would be one conversation I’d never forget. No one raised voices or became defensive but listened attentively to what the other side has got to say.
Mum said sometimes we take things for granted, like how my mum have always did things for us and in return, we assumed it’s forever mum’s job to do it. Like how we think a mum should cook for her children but on the other hand, we never really thought about cooking a meal for her in return. That’s one of my mum’s wish. She said I never cook for her. Ouch. I told her how I always feel pressured in the kitchen because I just feel I’m not good enough. My mum always want me to be better. Always wanting me to see her cook, to learn to cook from her. I’ve got to shift my priorities around a bit now. Don’t we all sometimes just want to rest after a day’s of work outside or do our own things? I have a to-do-list that never ends and sometimes I don’t know when I’ll tend to them. But I’m going to tell myself it’s ok. I’ll do what I can. For now, I just need to spend more time with mum now that she’s here.