Crammed

Today the whole world went to cram all the shopping malls available.

11am, there were already cars queueing up to enter the car park. Got some Christmas gifts but my shopping list wasn’t done yet when Pappy called. Had to drive to Kepong to have lunch with him and his friend. My heart was still in One Utama.

Came home for awhile then made my way to Sunway Pyramid. Another crazy shopping mall. You can see the basement car park filled with cars because the cars were also queueing to go in from above. So I went to the upper levels but it’s also the same. I guess I went up and down the levels until I got so fed up because some parts were closed and I felt like I was driving in circles. Because I was too smart and didn’t want to follow the crowd, I headed for the exit sign, hoping to get into another lane in search for other parking space. But too bad…it only led me to the exit.

Then, I had to choose between 2 routes. Chose the one heading to KL/PJ. Then when I was driving down the ramp that connects to the highway again, I felt like I want to cry. Hahaha. The  U-turn back to Sunway Pyramid was so jammed so I took the traffic light to go towards the Sunway toll to get on the ramp that connects me to Sunway again. This time I didn’t want to go into Sunway Pyramid’s parking bay…I went for Sunway Resort’s parking instead and I managed to get one.

The entire journey took me 1.5 hours. By the time I got off the car, I was walking like a zombie to the mall. It was an early Xmas celebration with 2 girlfriends of mine at Bubba Gump.

Tomorrow I’m going to have my well-deserved sleep and I don’t want anyone to disrupt me with any plans. It is so hard to have the whole day to myself even when I’ve pre-announced my plan to just stay home because it’s either Pappy will ask me to join him for meal with his friends (which I don’t always enjoy because of the generation gap) and sometimes I can’t say no (when you have to be a good daughter or when Pappy threatens not to befriend me anymore). And that’s just Pappy. Mum is still around too and she wants to follow me if possible to where I want to go. But you know sometimes I just want to go alone. To shop or whatever.

She asked me last night if I’ve plan for Christmas. Truthfully, I don’t have any yet or probably wouldn’t have any. But I just told her…if you are and Pappy will be here, then I cannot have any plans (because by default I’ll have to go with them anywhere unless I have a boyfriend that would save me and bring me out). It has been ages since that happened and you know what I was doing last Christmas? Catching up on sleep because I worked on Christmas Eve till 3am. The next day, I was so determined to quit that job and I’m glad I did.

My point is…it has been such a long time since I had a good Christmas. It is so long that I don’t even remember when was the last time I really enjoyed Christmas. I don’t need to be going out to have a countdown with party-goers. I just want to be with someone I like, at least that’s how I want it to be for the coming Christmases.

Life changes when you grow older. There is more need to be fake because if I were to be very true, I think I’ll be very rude at work or in general life. There are certain times that you still need to put on a smiling face when you really feel like killing the other person. Sometimes I get very sick of doing this but because we need to survive in a world of such, we got to do a little bit of that. That’s why sometimes I prefer to just stay home and be myself. I can just be as quiet as I want to…without having anyone to have any problem with my quiet personality. And I don’t have to worry or bother what others think of me.

Of course, I won’t be fake with friends that I know and are close with. Because I don’t have the need to even hide or fake myself. They know me when I’m happy or sad. They know me for who I am. I know I can be very loveable and I can talk a lot when I really want to and in the mood or in the spot-on topic of conversation. But of late…it’s just rare.

I know I still function normal on the outside, sometimes inside also still ok. But there is something that is missing. When I take pictures and I smile, I’m smiling but it feels like I’m not…because there’s something about the smile that makes me feel sad, that I feel sad…that something is just not right. I want to find the smile I used to have…without even have to try too hard in front of the camera.

I’ve never felt this way before. It’s not just plainly…I”m feeling sad or I’m feeling down. It’s a very long drag of emotional unstability…that I sometimes wonder if I’m sinking into depression. I don’t even know how to describe this phase that I’m going through. It’s like a personal battle I’m fighting with myself. It’s like I’m constraining myself. I don’t know since when this blog has turned into a crap blog because I’ve not been writing and churning out pieces like I used to. I write very depressing posts now and I know it.

I want to walk out of this…being happy, being alive, being happier than I used to be.