This is supposed to start off happy but as I was about to type this, Mummy started her round of nagging and picking on me. It all started because of a lizard that came into the room through the window and apparently it is my fault that the bloody lizard came in. The rest is history because then everything came blowing up, my pimples, my flaws that I know pretty well what they are but they just have got to be dug out and re-emphasised again and again. Hate it when this happens. No notice nor warning. It just comes like a hurricane.
Ok. End of Rant.
Okay..I don’t think I’m done yet.
Beginning of Rant.
The problem with me is I’m still not comfortable being myself. More often than not, I like to linger behind the shell. Wanting to be daring but just doesn’t seem to be able to get out of the shell. The more I try, the more uncomfortable it gets but if I don’t try, I’m just not going anywhere.
Got my confirmation letter today but I wasn’t particularly very happy. Maybe it’s because I was tired and it’s the after effect of a long holiday. Lesson learnt: Never ever go back to work the next day after a long holiday, especially so if you are taking a flight and landing at night.
It felt like crap today and it was so hard to focus. Then the feeling that I was so afraid to encounter with re-surfaced and there I go again questioning about what I want, my life, what’s missing, what’s not missing, why I should be contented, why I shouldn’t be contented just yet, why am I built this way, why is it not okay to have a quiet personality.
I’m still thinking about him, especially when I was in the plane, with nothing to do. I guess there will always be someone in your life that will make you feel that way, pain you in that way, makes you miss them in some ways and it’s going to be like that as long as it can be.
I’m not really thinking about meeting the right one even though deep down inside, that’s what I really want. Maybe that’s the only thing I want right now which is killing me bit by bit. I keep telling myself that it’s okay to be alone. My time will come. But the next question comes, when is it going to be or will it ever happen?
You know..sometimes I’ll go wondering if I will ever end up being alone for the rest of my life. Silly I know but after going through a few bumps in this relationship journey, it doesn’t help.
Please tell me I’m normal to be feeling whatever I’m feeling now. Suddenly I’ll have this feeling that I’m still trying very hard to understand myself. I will also feel like I’m floating, as in wandering aimlessly. Just going through life as it it is, work, go home, then work again.
When you grow older, you are supposed to know what you want right? But why is it that as I grow older, the more confused I get?
I really must write something happy tomorrow.