This is supposed to start off happy but as I was about to type this, Mummy started her round of nagging and picking on me. It all started because of a lizard that came into the room through the window and apparently it is my fault that the bloody lizard came in. The rest is history because then everything came blowing up, my pimples, my flaws that I know pretty well what they are but they just have got to be dug out and re-emphasised again and again. Hate it when this happens. No notice nor warning. It just comes like a hurricane.
Ok. End of Rant.
Okay..I don’t think I’m done yet.
Beginning of Rant.
The problem with me is I’m still not comfortable being myself. More often than not, I like to linger behind the shell. Wanting to be daring but just doesn’t seem to be able to get out of the shell. The more I try, the more uncomfortable it gets but if I don’t try, I’m just not going anywhere.
Got my confirmation letter today but I wasn’t particularly very happy. Maybe it’s because I was tired and it’s the after effect of a long holiday. Lesson learnt: Never ever go back to work the next day after a long holiday, especially so if you are taking a flight and landing at night.
It felt like crap today and it was so hard to focus. Then the feeling that I was so afraid to encounter with re-surfaced and there I go again questioning about what I want, my life, what’s missing, what’s not missing, why I should be contented, why I shouldn’t be contented just yet, why am I built this way, why is it not okay to have a quiet personality.
I’m still thinking about him, especially when I was in the plane, with nothing to do. I guess there will always be someone in your life that will make you feel that way, pain you in that way, makes you miss them in some ways and it’s going to be like that as long as it can be.
I’m not really thinking about meeting the right one even though deep down inside, that’s what I really want. Maybe that’s the only thing I want right now which is killing me bit by bit. I keep telling myself that it’s okay to be alone. My time will come. But the next question comes, when is it going to be or will it ever happen?
You know..sometimes I’ll go wondering if I will ever end up being alone for the rest of my life. Silly I know but after going through a few bumps in this relationship journey, it doesn’t help.
Please tell me I’m normal to be feeling whatever I’m feeling now. Suddenly I’ll have this feeling that I’m still trying very hard to understand myself. I will also feel like I’m floating, as in wandering aimlessly. Just going through life as it it is, work, go home, then work again.
When you grow older, you are supposed to know what you want right? But why is it that as I grow older, the more confused I get?
?????????????????????????????????
I really must write something happy tomorrow.
You’re the fourth person I know who has spoken about the feeling of just floating through life, day by day – me being the first, and I’m not even 20 yet. I think tiredness does that to us. And at the end of the day, we just don’t feel like doing anything at all. It happens at certain times too, it’s either nearing the end of a long haul of work, or the beginning of going back into the harsh reality after a long retreat. But I just want to share a random thought with you, and it goes like this:
“There are days when we know exactly what to do, and there are days when we don’t. And then there also those days where we don’t even want to know. But as they keep on coming, there’s a reason why we are still where we are today – we are survivors.”
🙂 Welcome home, you.
I’m a strong believer that the bumps you go through in your relationship journey will only make you stronger. These things happen for a reason and it is to enable you to detect what you want or need as oppose to what you don’t want or need. It helps you grow and understand yourself better. You may not be able to see the positive side of things right now but when the time comes, you’ll appreciate the experiences you had to go through, no matter the pain those experiences caused you.
Hang in there. When the wave of negative distress envelops you again, think happy thoughts – things that make you thank God you’re alive. Also, it can be good for you to pick up some new activities. Join some dance classes, or anything that piques your interest. You will eventually find yourself not having the time and capacity for depressing thoughts.
gracieqs last blog post..Jumping into the blogging bandwagon
vern: Thanks for the random thought. Liked it. 🙂
gracieq: Thank you too. 🙂 We often know the logic to it all but we just need others to remind us again about what it really is.
ben: And to you too for your separate email. *hugs*
everything is a cycle, whether you like it or not…
:((