Depression #14: Astigmatism

My expectations towards my vision correction surgery was that I was able to see clearly again. My definition of clearly means perfect vision. Therefore, when my vision didn’t turn out to be perfect, it was hard for me to accept.

At first, I thought something was very wrong with my vision and I think of everything that’s negative about it. Am I getting cataracts? Why can’t I see well in certain low-light conditions? Am I suffering from serious dry eye?

After about 8 months of getting my vision correction surgery, I resorted to wearing spectacles for my astigmatism, when necessary. -1.5 on the left and -1.25 on the right. My astigmatism power has increased from the last time I was tested at 4 months after surgery.

My ophthalmologist couldn’t understand what I was going through (at least that’s what I felt) because I’ve been trying to tell him of why I wasn’t seeing as well as I think I should. He suggested dry eyes but dry eyes wasn’t what I think I was suffering from, at least right up till the point when I wore glasses for astigmatism. I’ve stopped using artificial tears and I now wear glasses in low-light conditions where I can’t see well. Outdoor or in bright-light condition, I’m able to see well without my glasses.

When my vision is blurry or hazy, it gives me a sense of insecurity and fear and lots of doubts. With the help of the glasses, I was able to rule out that astigmatism was the cause of the blurriness. And knowing that I don’t suffer from anything else but astigmatism, it gives me a sense of security, which helps in me overcoming depression.

I love my ophthalmologist but at the same time, I also hate him. He’s good with surgery but it’s just unfortunate that I was respondent to the steroid eye drops which was necessary to be used after surgery. You won’t know what you’re responsive and allergic to until you try something anyway. To me, it’s steroid. What I didn’t like was that at times, I didn’t feel he understood what I was trying to say and that he ruled out astigmatism to be the cause.

With all that I’ve been through, people would wonder if I ever regretted getting my vision corrected by surgery. My answer would be no because I had extremely high power of short-sightedness which was corrected by the surgery. I had complications of high eye pressure which may have caused my astigmatism to occur but then again, there is just so much convenience of going out without wearing thick glasses. With the imperfect vision of slight astigmatism and perfection mentality, I also learnt to embrace imperfection.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: