Depression #15: My 31st Birthday

This birthday is one that I’ll remember because I was in major depression while I was celebrating it.

I dressed up for the day to work. Wanting to look good despite feeling down still. I managed to carry myself well for not crying at work. A girl who had suffered from and recovered from depression organised the birthday lunch for me. It was such a sweet thought coming from her. I was moved to tears. Anything that’s a bit touchy would make me tear during my depression period.

We had lunch at a newly-opened Japanese restaurant and when asked if there was a free cake for the birthday girl, they happily made one fresh from kitchen for me. Very nice indeed!

My boyfriend organised a karaoke session after work with some colleagues and it came with a surprise. He had invited one of my close friends to appeared halfway through the karaoke with a mini cake, accompanied by a candle. I was glad to see my friend there and still feeling a bit dazed. I was trying to process that this is a surprise and I’m supposed to feel HAPPY. But I wasn’t HAPPY. I was just GLAD.

Even my friend felt it. She didn’t feel how I would normally react. Jumpy and excited, when I’m feeling really happy.

When I sang during the karaoke, I just sang words but I didn’t feel any emotion in me. That troubled me a lot that I cried during my drive home. I was questioning again and again what was wrong with me. Why can’t I be HAPPY on my birthday? Why can’t I feel overjoyed? This is a wonderful birthday celebration after all.

I reached home, opened the door, to find my sister and parents singing “Happy Birthday” with a chocolate cake waiting for me and not forgetting 3 minions standing in front of the cake, which my sister got her boyfriend to get for me from McDonald’s.

I was a little happier now compared to the cry during my drive back home. I went to bed with the 3 minions, a gift my mum got for me, a gift set from my sister and the white seal soft toy from my dad. I went to bed with all my birthday presents because I want to remember what a great birthday I just had.

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